Page 73 of Ashes of Us

The guys were up early the next morning and gone before Danica even pulled herself out of bed.

It took her a long time to get to sleep after she and Alex finished talking, the noises very different from what she was used to in Boston, but she must have drifted off at some point because the next thing she knew, she was woken up by the sounds of the motorcycles starting and pulling out of the site.

Pulling her pillow over her head, she tried to go back to sleep, but now that she was awake, she was aware of how warm it was getting inside the tent and gave up, getting up and pulling on the capris and t-shirt she was forced to change out of the day before.

When she stepped out of the tent, Emilia was sitting on the picnic table next to a Coleman stove with a mug of coffee and some toast.

“Hey, you're finally awake!” Emilia smiled broadly at her and turned the burner on under the kettle. “I know you're going to want coffee, but do you want toast or cereal?”

“Coffee, yes.” Danica nodded as she walked over, grabbed one of the single-serving cereal boxes from the box of dry goods and then got the milk out of the cooler.

“But toast seems like way too much of a hassle this morning.” She opened the box and poured the milk inside as she sat across from Emilia, whom she immediately decided wasn't being honest about her mood. “Did we bring cutlery?”

Emilia tossed a bag of plastic forks, knives and spoons at her, so she grabbed a spoon and started eating. “Is the plan still to go for a hike?” Danica wasn't sure where Emilia was with everything and didn't want to make assumptions.

“We can, there's also a canoe and kayak rental place about a fifteen-minute walk from here, or we go for a drive, we're supposed to spend the day on the beach tomorrow, but we could just go relax in the sun today.” She turned off the burner, poured Danica a mug of hot water, and passed her the coffee so she could make it to her taste.

Danica considered all the options while she spooned the instant coffee into the hot water.

“Why don't we go lie in the sun today and rent canoes or kayaks tomorrow with the guys?” She had a feeling Emilia wasn't all that interested in doing very much of anything today.

She was smiling and acting upbeat and cheerful, but she knew her well enough to know it was a show.

“We can talk about why you're putting so much energy into being happy when you're not.”

The fake smile slid off Emilia's face, and she groaned as she dropped her head in her hands. “Yeah,” She mumbled, her voice muffled. “Let's do that.”

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After a change of clothes and generous applications of sunscreen, they made it too the beach and after walking along it for a while, managed to find a spot the was relatively tucked out of the way, far enough from the other campers that they could have a conversation without anyone hearing them, but close enough that it would be hard for another group to set up nearby without encroaching on them and the people nearest to them.

They spread out a blanket, stripped down to their swimsuits and stretched out.

“So?” Danica prompted her after a few minutes of lying there with no conversation besides idle chitchat about the crowded beach and people swimming. “What's going on?” Emilia blew out a breath and covered her eyes with her arm.

“When we went to bed last night, Xavier tried to cuddle me, and I pretty much told him to fuck off.” She started quietly.

“I obviously hurt him, but he didn't say anything and just rolled away from me, which made me even more annoyed, and I kind of grumbled to myself about him assuming I wanted to have him touch me. He was quiet for a bit, then he asked me if I only came on the trip to ruin it for him.” She swallowed and cleared her throat.

“I told him that wasn't why, and that I wanted to come so we could spend time together and reconnect.

He scoffed and shook his head like he didn't believe me, which, of course, pissed me off even more, and I asked why he didn't believe me.

He said I was in a bad mood all day, making it awkward for everyone, and he didn't understand what I meant about reconnecting because he has only ever done what I asked, and ended the conversation by saying he was done trying because it was never good enough for me.”

Danica propped herself up on her elbow, running her hand through her ponytail as she considered the best way to respond.

On the surface, Xavier wasn't wrong. Emilia had been in a bad mood; she had made things awkward the previous day, and in the seven years that Danica had known them, Xavier did tend to go out of his way to do whatever Emilia asked him to.

Of course, what happened behind closed doors could be completely different from what happened when they had an audience.

Still, Emilia had never expressed unhappiness or dissatisfaction with Xavier before, and she really wasn't the type to hide it when she was upset. “Is he right?” she asked hesitantly.

“That's the worst part.” She pulled her arm off her eyes and rubbed them tiredly.

Up close and now actually paying attention, Danica could see she was exhausted and probably hadn't slept a wink all night.

“He is.” She sat up and brought her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them.

“After Gracie was born, she was so clingy, she constantly needed to be held, or she would cry until she made herself sick.” She rested her cheek on her knees and smiled sadly at Danica.

“Well, you know, you saw how bad it was.” Danica nodded.

Emilia had worn Gracie in a baby wrap either on her back or front for the first year and then some, so that she could get things done while Benny was in school and Delilah was in preschool.

Danica, Rita, and Hanna had all tried to help out, but Gracie would scream bloody murder and flail dangerously if anyone, but Emilia or Xavier tried to hold her.

“When Xavier got home from work, I would let him shower and spend about twenty minutes with Benny and Delilah, then practically shove Gracie into his arms so I could feed the other two, get them ready for the next day and into bed while he looked after her.

That first year was hell for both of us, but I was so touched out at the end of the day that when I crawled into bed, and Xavier would want to cuddle or fool around, I couldn't do it.

I couldn't handle being touched, and I would pull away and tell him off if he persisted. He complained about being rejected a few times, and I brushed him off a lot, telling him it would get better when Gracie got older and to let me focus on being a mom.” Shifting again, Emilia began playing with the sand next to her.

“I didn't even really notice that Xavier had stopped trying to initiate things.

I'm not saying we've gone four years without sex or cuddling, but he waits for me to initiate now, and I rarely had the energy or capacity until recently.

Now I want what we had, but he's adjusted and seems happy with what we have.”

“Well,” Danica sat up beside her and mimicked her position. “It sounds to me like the two of you need to spend some time alone and have a long conversation, where you're completely honest and you encourage him to be completely honest with you too.”

“Yeah, I came to the same conclusion at some point this morning. I'm just not sure how to start the conversation.”

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They spent some time developing talking points and figuring out when and where to have the conversation. Danica suggested that they take the next day and do something alone together. “I'm sure Alex and I can keep ourselves entertained for a few hours.” She assured her when Emilia hesitated.

“I'll see if I can get him to agree.” She nodded and started to reapply sunscreen as a sly grin crossed her face. “And how, exactly, are you and Alex going to entertain yourselves?” Her voice was teasing, and Danica gave her an exasperated look.

“Probably rent some paddleboards or a canoe for the afternoon.” She decided the best way to answer was to keep things matter of fact and to the point as she took the sunscreen from Emilia and started to reapply, not wanting to encourage the direction of her very obvious thoughts.

“Oh, come on, you have to give me something here!” Emilia shoved her shoulder and laughed. “You can't tell me you two aren't sleeping together!”

Danica stared at her in shock, unable to believe Emilia thought she would get with someone so soon after Jasper died. “I can, actually. Alex and I are just friends, Em. I buried my husband six weeks ago, I'm not ready for a relationship.”

“Yeah, and?” Emilia raised her eyebrow and grinned at her. “You and Jasper weren't exactly behaving like husband and wife for what? Almost three months before he died? So, it's actually been about six months since you got any action.”

Danica frowned, not liking what she was implying. “You think I'm screwing Alex because I haven't had sex in a while?”

“No.” Emilia sighed, seeming to pick up that Danica didn't appreciate what she was saying.

“You're not the type, and to be really honest, Alex doesn't seem like the type either. But!” She leaned in and gave Danica a knowing look.

“You are more relaxed and happier with Alex than you ever were with Jasper.

And that's not me knocking him. Jasper was a great guy, and there was never any doubt that you two loved one another.

All I'm saying is when Alex walks into the room, you can literally see the tension melt out of you, and you smile more when he's around.”

Danica chewed on the side of her upper lip, not wanting to admit that Emilia was right, but also knowing she would see right through any attempt to deny what she was saying.

“Yeah, well, if I do relax when Alex walks into the room, it's because he's so in control of things that I know I don't have to worry.” She stretched and changed position, flipping over onto her stomach to start tanning her back.

“Jasper was so scattered, unfocused and all over the place all the time, it was exhausting.

I felt like I could never relax, I always had to be in control and on top of things, because if I wasn't, then the bills wouldn't be paid, or something important would go missing or be forgotten.

I don't have to worry about that with Alex.”

She propped her chin up on her arms and watched the ocean waves roll in for a minute, thinking about all the differences between Jasper and Alex.

“He listens to what I say and pays attention to me.

Jasper would say he was listening, but then he would interrupt and start talking about something I reminded him of, even though it usually had nothing to do with anything and by the time he'd finished telling me what he had to say, he wouldn't have a clue about the original conversation.” She tilted her head and looked over at Emilia.

“Do you think Jasper would have found me a new place to live and organized things with you, Xavier and Maverick to get me in there after one conversation where it was mentioned briefly in passing that I thought I was going to have to sell the house because it was too hard for me to be there?”

Emilia shook her head, watching her with the same sad expression she had when she told Danica about Xavier, and Danica looked back at the waves.

“I know it was Jasper's ADHD, I know he couldn't help it, but a lot of the time I felt more like a mother than a wife and I was definitely getting resentful about it.” Her voice was soft, and she felt and heard Emilia shift a little closer to her on the blanket.

“I lied about the whole inheritance and trust thing, you know.

Alex didn't have a financial advisor in the office with us when he gave it to me.

He warned me that in Massachusetts, inheritances were considered marital property, and if I left Jasper, he would be entitled to half.

That didn't bother me so much, at the time I didn't see us splitting up, but I knew if I didn't do something to protect that money, Jasper would have spent it all by Christmas.”

She took a deep breath and let out a sad laugh.

“That was the first time I went to Alex for advice. I asked him to put the money in a trust that paid out a certain amount every month, so I could claim it was what Alexander wanted and avoid answering questions. He said he would if I really wanted him to but told me the will was public record, and Jasper could look it up. He then suggested the financial advisor story so I could make it sound like I was setting us up for the future instead of keeping the money away from Jasper and said he would back me up if it came down to it.”

“So, he had your back before you guys were even friends.” Emilia reached out and lightly rubbed her shoulder.

“I get it, Danica, and I don't blame you for lying about why you chose a trust. I would have done the same thing in your position.

And, like I said, I'm not trying to diminish your marriage, I just think you're more compatible with Alex than you ever were with Jasper.

You guys have a lot of the same values and beliefs about most things, and while I absolutely do agree that Jasper loved you, I'm not so sure he respected you as much as he should have as his wife and as a person. But Alex? He respects the hell out of you.”