Page 34 of Ashes of Us

Danica found herself walking slower than she usually did as they entered the hospital and made their way to Jasper's room.

She had managed to find a funeral home who were willing to come pick up Jasper's body at five-thirty and had been fine emotionally and mentally until they entered the lobby.

She could feel panic building with every step she took, and when they stepped off the elevator on Jasper's floor, she came to a stop, suddenly unable to draw in air.

She let out a strangled sound as the feeling left her legs, and she sank to her knees, feeling like her lungs had deflated.

She brought her hand to her chest and tried to get suck in air, but all that happened was a pathetic wheeze.

A finger tilted her chin up, and through a haze of tears, Danica saw Alex's concerned face, his lips moving, but she couldn't hear what he was saying, not that she could respond anyway.

He frowned and moved away. The next thing she knew, she was hoisted into the air, and Alex was cradling her against his chest. She let out a squeak of protest but didn't have the strength to fight it.

She heard voices that sounded far away and muffled, as if she were underwater.

Then Alex brought her through a door into a semi-dark room and set her down gently on a couch.

A nurse appeared and crouched in front of her.

Danica could tell she was trying to tell her to breathe, but her body wouldn't obey.

She was making weird, strangled half attempts that were doing nothing to get much-needed oxygen to her brain and then the edges of her vision started going dark, increasing her panic.

Alex put his hand on the nurse's shoulder, and she moved out of the way.

He crouched in front of her, put her hand on his chest and leaned in close to her ear.

“Close your eyes and focus on my breathing.” He ordered gruffly. 'I've got you, you're okay, you're breathing, it's just a panic attack. Focus on me.”

Danica immediately closed her eyes and felt Alex take a deep, exaggerated breath, his chest rising and falling under her hand.

He did it over and over until she was able to do the same, the tightness in her chest slowly easing off.

When she was able to match her breathing to his, he gently squeezed her hand and let it go.

She kept it in place for another minute or two, then let it fall into her lap as the nurse came back with Jasper's doctor.

She let him do a quick check-up and answered his questions.

he explained that based on her description, she had a respiratory panic attack, and given what she was about to do, it was understandable but recommended that she follow up with her doctor if she had any more.

As they followed the doctor out of the room, Danica found she was struggling to look at Alex.

She felt ashamed of her show of weakness and that he had to come to her rescue again, and very guilty, because she hadn't needed the extra few minutes of breathing with her hand on his chest; she had just enjoyed touching him.

She told herself it was because his body type was something she wasn't used to, not because she was attracted to him, but her mental excuses did nothing to ease the shame she was trying to push down.

Her conflicted feelings were forgotten when they reached Jasper's room, and she saw Amy, Cecil and Lucy standing with the two lawyers and a man she didn't recognize. She turned to the nurse and pointed at Lucy. “She's been banned from this floor.” She said sharply. “Get her out of here. Now.”

Amy and Lucy immediately began to protest, but the nurse raised her voice and said that if Lucy didn't leave, she would have them all escorted out by security.

This must have made something click in Cecil's head, because he turned to his wife, looking angrier than Danica had ever seen him.

“I told you not to bring her. You've already gotten yourself kicked out of the room by insisting on this bullshit, do you want to be banned from his funeral too?” Amy fell silent, but her cheeks were red, and she glared at Danica for a moment, then told Lucy to wait in the car.

When Lucy was gone, muttering under her breath and pouting, David cleared his throat.

“Well, let's get on with this, shall we?” Danica nodded and glanced at Alex, who was now sitting in a chair away from everyone, idly flipping through a magazine, then followed David and the other man into the room.

When Mathers came in after them, Amy and Cecil tried to follow, but Danica shook her head, putting her hand on the doorframe and blocking them.

“You're still banned from his room.” She told them shortly, glancing at the bodyguard Alex had hired for her, a large, intimidating-looking man who was standing nearby with his arms crossed, before looking at Amy in disgust. “If you thought I was going to change my mind after you brought the homewrecker along, Cecil needs to have you assessed.” Then she shut the door firmly in their faces.

Turning around, she was surprised to see the room was full of people in surgical scrubs and gowns, and the man she didn't know was washing his hands in the sink as a nurse waited with a gown in her hands for him.

Another nurse passed her, David and Mathers scrubs and hairnets, while someone else was maneuvering a large machine into place next to Jasper's bed and motioned for them to put them on.

The doctor who was scrubbing in turned around and looked over the room.

“Right. I'm Doctor Ned Whalen from Fenway Fertility and Wellness Clinic. I will be performing a micro-TESE, or Microsurgical Testicular Sperm Extraction, on the patient. This is done by making a small incision in the testes and inserting a camera to find the best possible sample I can and extracting the sample with a needle, which will then be frozen,” He gestured to a futuristic cylindrical metal container sitting on a table nearby.

“And stored in my clinic until I'm either given the go-ahead to use it or destroy it.

I do want to caution you all that since it's been over seven days since the patient was declared brain dead, the chances are very low that I will find viable sperm.” He turned to Danica, looking appropriately remorseful.

“I understand that there were no fertility issues previously?”

Danica shook her head as she tucked her hair up into the hairnet.

She could hear the sound of raised voices outside the door but chose to ignore them.

“No, he was able to get me pregnant twice in the last year without us trying.” She paused, realizing how that sounded.

“I mean we were trying, but we weren't, you know, actively tracking my cycle or anything like that, just letting nature take its course.” She shifted, a little uncomfortable with talking about all this in front of so many people.

“I had two miscarriages, but they weren't his fault.” Dr Whalen nodded, and they watched as the nurses finished prepping Jasper for the surgery.

When the doctor approached Jasper with the scalpel, Danica felt a wave of nausea wash over her and stepped back, moving to the corner of the room and sitting down so she couldn't see anything.

The actual procedure took close to two hours and Danica was getting more and more flustered as Alex texted her, first letting her know that he was going to get food and asking if she wanted anything, to which Danica texted back a firm no, explaining she wasn't feeling good at all, then to let her know the people from the funeral home had arrived, which meant that she was now holding them up.

Finally, Dr. Whalen announced that he had found potentially viable sperm and used a needle for the extraction.

When he was done, the Preston's lawyer left the room to tell them the news, and within a few minutes, the room had emptied, leaving just Danica, a nurse and the doctor.

“Are you ready?” The doctor looked at her expectantly.

Danica approached the bed and looked down at Jasper.

The nurses had removed the heavy bandages that were covering him, leaving her to see the bruises and cuts on his face that never healed.

She wrapped her arms around her stomach, took a deep breath, and, after a brief moment of hesitation, where she debated being the bigger person and letting Amy in, she shoved the thought away when she remembered that Amy had brought Lucy with her and nodded.

“I'm ready.” It was barely a whisper, but the doctor heard her and started to switch off the machines.

The room went completely silent as the heart rate and breathing monitor stopped beeping immediately.

She had a brief moment where a small flicker of irrational hope that Jasper would start breathing on his own ignited, but it was quickly extinguished when his chest went completely still.

“Time of death, six thirty-two.” The doctor announced, checking his watch as he held Jasper's limp wrist in his hand.

Danica let out the breath she didn't know she was holding, a bittersweet feeling of relief flooding through her.

She could start the healing process and work toward honouring his memory and moving on.

“There will be some paperwork you need to sign when you're ready, but the body can be removed.” He said quietly as he and the nurse started pulling off their surgical scrubs.

Danica nodded and began pulling off her scrubs as they left the room, following them out.

Cecil, Amy and their lawyer were gone, but Alex was sitting with two men, who got to their feet when Danica appeared.

They introduced themselves as Michael and Christopher from Willow and Stone Funeral Services, and Danica apologized for keeping them waiting.

They waved her off and followed her into the room, but when they pulled out a body bag, she found she couldn't watch them put Jasper in it and quietly excused herself.

She sat down next to Alex and stared into space until they wheeled his body out on a gurney, reminding her gently of her appointment with them at nine the following morning.

“I'd like to go now, please.” She murmured, although she wasn't sure where she wanted to go. Home had been feeling increasingly suffocating as time passed, and she was surrounded by a life that no longer existed.

Alex nodded and stood up. “Where do you want to go?” Danica stood up, and they walked toward the nurses' station so she could sign the paperwork.

“I have no idea.”