Page 16 of Agony of Our Regret (Sorcerer’s Society #11)

SIXTEEN

Sometimes I wished I could pause the clock. Or calendar at this point. Time was moving too quickly. It felt like the guys had only been back for a couple of weeks, but it had been over a month.

I stepped off the elevator in our apartment building, ready to run to my closet and swap my work attire for the comfiest clothes I could find.

To think that I’d popped when I had the smallest of bellies. Now I felt like I needed someone to clear the way in front of me for my wide load.

It wasn’t that bad—or so I told myself. I was firmly in the maternity section of my closet. No more squeezing into my normal clothes, but that was fine. Good enough. It meant Lemon, who was now between a cob of corn and a zucchini, was healthy and growing.

Things between me and the guys had progressed quickly, returning close to what they had been before life took over once again.

Vince was traveling to the new school every week, only returning for one or two days on the weekend, if at all. Sky and Luca were on a special assignment, doing top-secret things that kept them working at all hours. Gavin’s department hacked into another AS system and found communication from members and personal information stored in a secret database. Noah was around the most, but each time he had a vision of use to the Society, he’d disappear for a day or two while they analyzed every aspect.

Gwen was usually in New Mexico with Vince, so I spent most of my time home alone—unless one of the mothers found me.

I was ninety-nine percent certain the guys were scheming to keep me busy. Not that I minded the dinners or shopping trips with Mandy, Tessa, and Renae, but sometimes I just wanted to collapse on the couch with a bottle of Ginger Ale and microwavable pizza bites.

I was practically drooling at the thought of pepperoni when I unlocked the door, and the buzz of too many voices greeted me in the foyer. I nearly jumped back, wondering if I’d opened the wrong apartment or was being robbed by the noisiest thieves in history, but the voices were familiar ones.

“That’s not where that goes.” Vince pushed Sky over. “I’ll do it.”

“Have you guys tried this yet?” Noah asked from the ground, where he was wrapped around an enormous pillow.

“Dude, let me try!” Luca tried to rip it from between his legs, but Noah gripped it like a snake.

“Um, what’s going on?”

They froze and turned toward me as one.

“You’re home!” Gavin beamed.

“ You’re home.” I slipped off my coat and hung it next to my purse. “What are you all doing here?”

“Building a glider,” Vince announced.

“It's Thursday.”

He nodded. “Correct.”

“You should be in Santa Fe.”

“We got back early. There’s a lot of rain there this week, so we’re waiting it out.”

“What about the rest of you?”

The other four spoke over each other, so I had no idea what they said.

“Okay.” I waved them off. “I’m going to change.”

“Can I make you anything to eat?” Noah offered.

“Pizza,” I called, as I walked into the bedroom.

I pulled on a pair of Luca’s sweats and an old shirt from Gavin and returned to find them unmoved, except now Luca was wrapped around the pillow. I glanced around at each of them while pulling my hair back into a messy bun.

“Let’s try this again. What’s going on?”

“We haven’t spent much time together lately. When we heard Vince was back, we decided to take the afternoon off to hang out,” Sky explained.

“In the middle of a major crisis?”

“We’ve all got our phones close by, but there wasn’t anything that had to be done today. We’d all burn out if we didn't take some time off. The Society understands,” Luca explained without moving.

I shook my head and moved to the couch since they were all on the floor. “And you’re building a glider?” I eyed the half-built piece of furniture. “Isn’t that a rocking chair?”

“No, a rocking chair has a rounded base.” Vince held up a picture. “This has a flat base but glides back and forth.”

Sky made the motion with his hands. “So, you go like this.”

“There’s a footrest that moves with it too, so you can have your feet up while you feed the baby,” Vince added.

“Not you as in you, but you as in any of us,” Gavin felt the need to clarify.

“Got it.” I closed my eyes and put my swollen feet up on the sofa’s armrest. By the end of each day, they looked like marshmallows.

“Pizza’s in the oven,” Noah said.

I opened one eye. He sat at the other end of the couch and pulled my feet into his lap. I was about to ask him what he was doing when his thumb pushed into my arch, and I let out a moan.

“What are you doing to her?” Luca asked.

“Rubbing her feet,” Noah replied.

“Damn, sounds like she likes it,” Sky teased.

I ignored them and let my eyes fall shut again while thinking of all the ways I loved Noah the most.

“Hey!” several voices shouted as Noah laughed.

“He’s not really your favorite, is he?” Vince asked.

“Oh, sorry? Did I say that out loud?” I grinned, and Noah found a knot in the middle of my foot.

“She’s very easily bought lately. Whoever brings her the pizza will become the new favorite,” Luca joked.

“Dibs,” Sky called.

“But pizza is only a snack. I have her favorite burger and sweet potato fries coming for dinner,” Gavin announced.

I let out a groan. “That sounds so good.”

Noah tapped my leg. “Hey, don’t let him steal my glory yet.”

“She skipped over mine entirely,” Sky whined.

“Not my fault you guys don’t plan,” Gavin shot back.

“How can we when you’re always like twelve steps ahead?” Vince sounded annoyed.

“Gavin plays chess while we’re playing checkers,” Noah remarked. “Some things never change.”

I relaxed while they heckled each other. It was the first time since...the farm? No, we were still too stressed there and at Drexel. It was the first time since we lived in Arlington Park that they sounded like themselves.

I missed easy times like this when they were friends first and my guys second. When their relationships shone, and I didn’t need to get involved.

It was a reminder they were brothers long before I came along, and instead of splitting them up, became the glue to keep them together.

I sniffled.

“Are you okay?” Noah asked quietly.

I opened my eyes and nodded. All I ever wanted back then was this: having a life with them, being together, and building a future with the five of them.

It had been a twisted, frustrating, painful road, but we were here now.

“What is it?”

I lifted my head and smiled at him. “I finally feel like we’re on the right track.”

He grinned back.

I flopped back. “That usually means something terrible is on its way.”

He squeezed my foot. “Not this time. We won’t let anything come between us again.”

I wanted so badly to believe Noah that we were past the worst of it. If anyone knew, it was him, but it was so hard to ignore the past.

Sky crossed his arms, looking far too serious. “Now that we’re all here, does anyone have anything they’d like to say?” He glanced around, not lingering on any of us for too long.

I met Luca’s eyes, and he gave a small shake of his head. Vince stared at Gavin, and I turned to him.

“What’s going on?” I asked Gavin.

Vince looked at me. “That’s what we would like to know as well.”

Noah tossed up his hands. “You didn’t need to call him out like this, Sky.”

“Apparently I did because we’ve been over here for hours, and he hasn’t said anything. He had plenty of time to tell us, and he hasn’t.”

“Tell us what?” I asked, and Gavin tensed.

“I’m not sure,” Sky admitted. “But I do know he’s been distant for the past few weeks. He’s been avoiding us, but especially me. At first, I took it personally, but then I realized he didn’t want me to catch him lying.” He faced Gavin again. “So, what is it?”

Gavin narrowed his eyes. “Don’t you think if it was something I could tell you all, I would have already?”

Sky shook his head. “No, I don’t.”

“I’ve aired out all my issues. I’ve confessed the things I’ve done. I have nothing to hide.”

“Except for whatever this is,” Sky pointed out.

“Think it through,” Gavin ground out. “I’ve told you all my personal shit. I’ve been an open book.”

“So, whatever it is, it’s not about you.” Noah put the pieces together.

Gavin lifted his brows in a confirmation.

“Oh,” Sky slumped. “Does it have to do with any of us?”

“I’m not playing this game.” Gavin stared him down. “Accept that if I could tell you, I would, and move on.”

“I can’t.” Sky refused to relent.

“If it was something that you guys needed to know for your safety and wellbeing, I’d break protocol and tell you. That has to be enough for now.”

Vince surprised us all by being the one to jump in. “Sky, back off. It’s obviously work-related. If he knows things he can’t share, let it go.”

“But––”

“No,” Luca’s voice rose.

“He’s pulling away from us/” Sky ignored the others. “It’s freaking me out.”

“We’re all working insane schedules right now. We’re in the middle of a war. Maybe it’s weighing on him. Maybe when he’s around us, he needs to decompress and space out. Maybe we’re his safe space to do so,” Noah said calmly.

“I’m sorry, Sky,” Gavin started. “I didn’t realize it was affecting me around you guys. I’ll try to be more present.”

“That’s not it,” Sky rubbed his face. “I just started freaking out. Okay?”

“We haven’t been back together like this in years. It’s going to take time for us to adjust and get to know each other as the people we are now,” Luca said. “It’s good you brought it up, Sky, since it was bothering you. Next time, maybe pull him aside or come from a place of concern and love rather than demanding answers.”

Sky relaxed and nodded. “Sorry, Gavin.”

“It’s fine.” Gavin let out a heavy sigh. “It won’t be like this forever.”

“No, it won’t,” Noah said with a smile.

Vince eyed him. “What do you know?”

Noah started rubbing my feet again. “I’ve seen several glimpses of our future.”

“With all of us?” Luca asked.

“Yeah.”

Noah’s confirmation had them all grinning. The last time he mentioned visions of my future, he said he’d only ever seen Sky in them.

“Really?” Vince leaned in. “Like what?”

Noah shot me a look, and I nodded. He could tell them anything or nothing. It was his gift and up to him what he shared.

“Well, first off, we all live together in a nice house.” He stopped. “Before the questions come rolling in, remember I don’t know the details. There aren’t enough context clues for me to know when or where most of my visions happen. So, seeing the inside of a house doesn’t help me figure out where it is.”

Sky huffed. “It would be way more helpful if they did.”

“I agree,” Noah chuckled. “I’ve also seen at least one more child.”

Luca beamed. “Another baby?”

“Yeah, but not for a few years.”

“Thank heaven.” I blew out a sigh, and the guys laughed. I shifted, and pregnancy bladder meant unloading from the couch to go to the bathroom.

While I waddled away, Noah shared the bits and pieces he’d put together, things he’d already told me.

When I stepped back into my bedroom, Vince was waiting for me.

“Hey.” I walked over and wrapped my arms around his waist.

He held me against his broad chest and kissed the top of my head. “Hi, babe.”

I closed my eyes. We hadn’t had much time alone, and I missed him more than I realized.

“I wanted to tell you something, away from the others.” I pulled back and looked up. “I’ve been seeing a therapist, virtually. We do video calls since I’m in Santa Fe most of the time.”

I nodded.

“We started with three times a week.”

“That’s a lot. I was shocked he dove in that deep right from the get-go.

“I had a lot to work through. In fact, after the first two weeks, I realized that most of my issues stemmed from my parents. I called them, and we spoke for a while. They agreed to join the calls once a week.”

“Really? Your dad, too?”

He nodded. “He was surprisingly supportive of the idea. He’s changed a lot since we left. He’s a much better dad to my siblings, and while I’m grateful for that, it just added to the resentment.” He paused. “I couldn’t understand why he would hit me and scream at me and make it so that I felt unsafe at home, but could be this amazing version of himself for them.”

My heart broke. A long time ago, he told me Gavin’s parents got involved before I moved to Arlington Park, and things had slowly improved back then. Now it sounded like he was a different man entirely.

“He had a lot of things he needed to work through. Trauma he experienced at the hands of his parents. He thought for a long time that the way he treated me was normal because it was the way he’d been treated.” Vince shook his head. “He’s been going to therapy for years. I didn’t know that. He was glad I asked for them to join me.”

“So, your relationship is getting better?”

He finally grinned. “Yeah, I’m not sure we’ll ever be as close as some of the guys are with their parents, but it’s better. I’ve let go of the anger, pain, and resentment. Something I didn’t know I needed to do to grow. Those were blocking me from being the man I wanted to be.”

I rested my head on his chest and held him tight. “I’m proud of you.”

He cradled the back of my head. “I’m still a work in progress, but I wanted you to know that I’m trying.”

“That's all I want. I want you to see your worth, not for me, but for yourself.”

“I understand now.”

I stifled tears as I looked at him. “I love you so much, and you have me to rely on, but I need you to be able to hold yourself up and be strong without leaning on us as a crutch.”

He nodded. “You’re pretty smart, and I feel like I’m getting there. I want to be the man you know I can be.”

I lifted to my toes and kissed him. “I love you.”

He sighed against my lips. “I love you so much.”

For the first time since they all came back, I had hope we could make our relationship last.

I didn’t think I’d survive another heartbreak if we didn’t.