Page 32 of Absolutely Pucked (Punk as Puck #3)

CHAPTER

NINETEEN

FORD

Tell him. Tell him. I really had to tell him.

Taking a breath, I stared at Tucker, who was scrolling on his phone. He was manspreading all over my couch as Boden cooked in the kitchen. My apartment felt odd now with them in it. Boden wanted to start family dinner nights or whatever the fuck this was.

Something that would have had me jumping for literal joy just weeks ago. Except now, I wanted them out. Now, I was profoundly aware of the person hiding in the back room, waiting for everyone to leave.

The quickest way to get this over with would be to open my mouth and tell him I had his twin brother hiding under my sheets. Or wherever Killian was hiding. He was probably lounging on the bed, trying not to listen in on our conversation because he was a good guy like that.

So I took a breath…

And then the words died on the tip of my tongue. Fuck, I couldn’t do this. I wasn’t ready. I wanted more time. I was being an absolutely selfish prick about this whole thing, but the truth had been bashing me in the face for a while now.

I was falling for Killian.

No. Not just that. I was fucking falling in love with him.

“So.”

I jumped half a foot at the sound of Tucker’s voice and realized I’d been staring at the hallway. “Sew buttons.”

“Fuck off,” Tucker said, elbowing me. He shifted, and I realized that he had Athena curled into his hip. She was settling in nicely—spending her days pissing Nugget the fuck off and competing with each of us for attention.

It was going to be hard to part with her. The absolute and complete joy she was going to bring Jonah was the only thing softening that blow.

“What’s up?” I asked.

Tucker turned his head so he could stare at me properly. “Are you taking the C?”

Oh God. There was nothing worse than talking about Killian except talking about my future with the team.

“Listen, this is causing me more childhood trauma, so can we just…not?”

Boden scoffed as he walked into the room, set his crutches to the side, then flopped into his chair. “Dinner is ready in ten. And you’re not a child.”

“Debatable,” Tucker said with a grin. “But it is time to nut up and put on your big-boy panties, babe.”

My stomach churned uncomfortably. “You really think I should be trusted with that kind of responsibility?”

Boden’s face softened. He was different now—happier. Easier. Having a contract signed with a professional team, having that team be close enough he didn’t have to leave us, and being so in love it made him even more insufferable?

I did like him that way, even if he was a jackass about it.

“You’ve done well in the past. You never hesitate to step up when we’ve needed you to.”

Rolling my eyes, I leaned back, and Nugget took the chance to hop up before Athena could make her way over. I put my arms around her and held her gently. “Yeah, but that’s like when your friend has a kid,” I said.

Tucker frowned. “Whoa, hold the fuck up. Who has a kid? God, don’t tell me Jonah knocked up his girlfriend.”

“They broke up,” I said. “And no. A metaphorical kid. You know? Having the A is like that. Your friend has some medical emergency…”

“What kind?” Tucker demanded.

“Dildo trapped up his ass,” I said, waving my hand impatiently. “He has to go to the ER and get X-rays and shit, and what does he do with the kid?”

“Um. Shouldn’t the mom be taking care of the kid?” Tucker demanded.

Boden pinched the bridge of his nose. “It’s a metaphor, Tuck.”

“I didn’t pass English,” Tucker said with a sniff.

I knew that was a fucking lie. He was a college grad. “ Anyway, so this baby is hockey, and you’re in the ER with a dildo in your ass…”

“I mean, that’s the first thing you’ve said tonight that makes sense,” Tucker admitted.

I glared. “Let me fucking finish!” Nugget didn’t appreciate me raising my voice, and she hopped off with an annoyed chirp. “It’s fine to take custody of your responsibility for a little while because I can give it back. But actually becoming a dad to all these hockey dipshits?”

“Coach,” Boden said.

Tucker straightened. “Wait! Did they fire Hugo? Who am I fighting?”

“No one,” Boden said with a small smile. “Hugo’s ready to retire, and he thinks that Ford would be the best man for the job.”

Tucker sagged back into the couch and picked up Athena, setting her on his chest so he could scratch her chin. “I agree with that.”

“You’re both traitors!”

Tucker turned to look at me again. “Babe. Love of my life?—”

“Not the love of your life,” I reminded him.

“Soulmate I don’t want to have rail me up the ass,” he clarified. “We are just stating the obvious. You care about the team. You care about the guys.”

“Well…yeah.”

“Look, you were going to take the C anyway,” Boden reminded me.

I pulled a face, but I couldn’t exactly disagree. I was, no matter how hard I’d been protesting against the responsibility .

“Hugo decided he wants to leave sooner than he originally planned. He wants to be able to travel with me and it makes the most amount of sense that the job goes to one of us—and Tuck and I are both leaving. You’re the only one who can do it,” Boden pointed out.

I shuddered. “Fuck me.”

“Babe, you can’t spend the rest of your life stocking oranges and making small talk with all the Deborahs and Sandys of this fucking town,” Tucker said.

I pulled a face. “Plenty of people work in supermarkets for a living.”

“Yeah, and if you had a passion for oranges and Sandy’s latest Coach Outlet find, I might encourage you. But we know you don’t. We know you feel like you’re drowning.”

“It’s bad enough you’ve been refusing to date,” Boden cut in. “I know it sucks to watch us be happy the way that we’ve been happy lately, and we really want that for you.”

My entire chest began to burn. Shit. This would be the perfect time to spill my guts. The perfect time to rip off the Band-Aid and plead for mercy. To beg them to understand that Killian was different—that in spite of the past, he wasn’t a monster.

That love could make a difference.

The words dried up and stuck to the inside of my throat like cold fireplace ash.

“What’s that face?” Boden asked.

Tucker leaned in to try and see me more clearly. “You’re hiding something.”

“I’m…look,” I said. I was unwilling to lie, but the truth was too hard. I’d promised Jonah, but I needed a li ttle more time. “Can we stop trying to psychoanalyze me here? I’m hungry and tired, and you two are being annoying.”

Tucker raised his brows, and Boden seemed surprised.

The silence rang on for a long beat.

“He’s getting laid,” Tucker finally said.

“What? First of all, how fucking dare you,” I started.

Boden shook his head. “Yep. Laid. Whatever. Tell us when you’re ready.” In the distance, a buzzer sounded.

“Your food’s ready,” I said weakly.

Boden stood up from the chair and moved back into the kitchen while Tucker continued to stare at me.

“Stop it, or I’m gonna put shrimp in your car.”

He grinned. “It’s not my car. It’s Deo’s car, and you like him too much to make him sad.”

I hated that he was right.

Tucker’s expression fell after a second. “You’re okay, right? I mean…no one’s hurting you, are they? Because I swear to God, I will fuck them up?—”

“No. No one’s hurting me,” I told him quickly. This was the second time I’d been asked that, so I guess it was obvious. All the pain I was feeling was because I was a gigantic dipshit who had to go and fall for the wrong man. “I’m just going through something. But I’ll be alright.”

Tucker gave me a sideways look, then said, “You know I love you more than anything, right?”

“Right.” My voice was weak.

“And I’ve got your back no matter what?”

“I know.” And really, that was the entire problem. I was the traitor here, and he was the saint.

Boden left early, and Tucker volunteered me to give him a ride home, so I made him wait in the car while I pretended to give Athena her meds before taking off. Sneaking into the bedroom, I locked it behind me, finding Killian on the bed with a pillow half over his face.

“Are you trying to smother yourself?”

“I was trying to block out the conversation,” he said, voice muffled by the fabric. He pulled it down and stared at me with bleary eyes. “I didn’t expect it to hurt so much hearing him with you.”

Not even a week ago, I would have thought it was deserved. I would have told him that was karma and he had to deal with it. Now, I wasn’t so sure.

I couldn’t reconcile what he was to me with the man he’d been when he was younger.

“I’m here to steal a kiss,” I told him softly, dropping my knee on the bed. “I have to take…uh…” I didn’t want to say his name in there.

Pushing up on his elbow, Killian drew me close. “Tucker. It’s okay to say his name in front of me.”

“I have to take Tucker home.” Cupping his jaw, I tilted his head back and laid a messy, tender kiss on his mouth. “I won’t be long.”

“You don’t need to promise me that. If you want to tell him tonight?—”

My throat went a little tight. “I want more time. I know we promised Jonah, but…please. Just a few more days.”

His eyes cast down, but I could see the war on his face. He was tired of lying to his brother, but this was so fucking hard. “A few more days,” he finally agreed.

I kissed him again, then pulled away and hurried out before Tucker got suspicious. Locking the door behind me, I slipped into the driver’s seat and tried for a smile when Tucker glanced over. There was a good chance he couldn’t see the guilt all over my face in the dark.

“So,” he said as we hit the road. “Are we going to pretend like you don’t have something serious going on?”

I cleared my throat. “I really don’t.”

“I’m worried about you. You’ve been cagey and weird and quiet. You’ve skipped practice a few times, and you seemed like you were going to jump out of your skin when we showed up tonight. I don’t like it.”

Swallowing heavily, I took a breath and tried to find the right words—that void between truth and lies. “Have you ever…I don’t know…made a giant mistake?”

Tucker laughed so hard he started choking. “Are you serious right now?”

“I don’t mean like screwing around at the Olympics or getting shit-faced in Vegas. Those things ended well.”

“Uh, I beg to differ on the Olympics thing. I basically ruined Boden’s career?—”

“You made us family,” I reminded him. “And Boden is doing just fucking fine. He’s boning our coach and getting a big fat six-figure signing bonus to play for Boston. That’s not a fuckup.”

Tucker was quiet until we reached his street and waited until I was in his driveway before he spoke again. “What constitutes a giant mistake, then?”

“I…I don’t know. Making decisions that will hurt the people you love?”

Tucker sighed, leaning his head back on the headrest. “I think I have some pretty good experience with that.”

“I’m not talking about us. I?—”

“No,” he interrupted me. “I know. I don’t mean you guys.

I mean…” Biting his lip, he turned his gaze out toward the front window.

“I wasn’t the greatest person when I was growing up.

I was angry, and a lot of times, I took it out on my brother.

Now, don’t get me wrong, Killian is a fucking bastard, and I’m not, like, excusing him for shit.

But I didn’t make things easy on him when we were kids. ”

My heart jumped into my throat. “What do you mean?”

Tucker shrugged. “He was a nerd in school. I was a dickhead jock who let my friends bully him. I was so pissed off all the time,” he admitted, twisting his fingers together in his lap. “My parents liked him more.”

“Yeah,” I said. I knew that much from both brothers.

“I had this one friend—he was on the football team. His name was Spencer. He would trip Killian into these giant trash bins my school had in the hallways. I never did it myself, but…you know. I laughed. When he cried, I let them make fun of him. It was fucked-up.”

My gut twisted. “I mean, he hurt you too. ”

“Not until years later, but yeah.” Tucker let out a laugh that only sounded a little better. “Our lives were complicated. Our parents fucking sucked, and for me, it felt like eat or be eaten. He took the brunt of that sometimes. But he wasn’t very nice to me back then either.”

“No.” I could imagine he hadn’t been very nice at all. Not after that.

Tucker glanced over at me. “Is whatever you have going on about your family?”

“My—oh. No. Fuck them,” I said, waving him off. “I’ve just been thinking a lot lately about whether or not people deserve second chances. Like, if you do something monumentally fucked-up, but you’re sorry about it—do you get a second chance?”

“I don’t know,” Tucker said. “I had second chances. Sometimes third and fourth chances too. Boden had every right to hate my guts for being such a little shit when we first met, but he never did.”

No. Boden loved us both too much to ever feel that way.

“If it’s you,” Tucker said after a long beat, “and if it was me, it wouldn’t matter.” He paused for a beat. “ Is it me? Did you hit on Deo or something?”

I burst into startled laughter. There was hope blooming in my chest, but I was too afraid to embrace it. He would forgive me for a lot of things, but this? “You know I’d never hit on him. He’s not my type, and I’d rather see you happy.”

Tucker’s face settled into something softer. “I am happy. I am so fucking happy, bud. Like…I don’t even have the words. And I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be an insufferable prick about all this. ”

“No,” I told him. I yanked him by the back of the neck and knocked his forehead into mine. “I want that for you. You have no idea.”

He nodded, then eased back away from me. “Whatever it is—when you’re ready—you can tell us. You know that, right?”

I did. But I also knew he had no idea what he was asking for.

“Thanks.”

He nodded, then kissed my cheek before grabbing the door handle and letting himself out.

I watched as he made his way toward the house, my breath stuttering in my chest, my eyes and throat hot from all the guilt…

and also the lack of it because minute by minute, falling for Killian was starting to eclipse all those bad feelings.

I would still choose Tucker.

But only for now.