Page 66 of Above (Darkness Reigns #1)

Nova

“I don’t think I’ll ever be enough.”

A t first, our arrival home was full of silence. I could tell that something was brewing, and it was only a matter of time until one of the three of them burst.

While I expected it to be Celeste, Dad ended up being the one. “How could you do this, Nova?”

He looked so disappointed, his eyes wide, brows stitched together, and full lips set firmly in a line. I wished I had a better answer for them. One that didn’t make me seem pathetic and weak.

But I didn’t, because there wasn’t one. I was weak.

I had given myself up just to get ahead.

I could’ve stayed at the bottom and just kept trying, I didn’t actually need Talon, but I wanted to be stronger.

I wanted to stop feeling scared. I wanted so much more than I was given, even though I didn’t need any of it.

What started as me protecting my family at all costs had morphed into something more selfish.

“I don’t know,” I finally admitted. Celeste, as she so often did now, scoffed, throwing her hands up and dropping them with a loud smack against her legs.

“You don’t know. Of course you don’t know. You never really think things through. Everyone always says you’re so smart, but you’re always doing stupid fucking things! A core? Really?”

“I’m sorry! I swear he’s a nice person. He’s kind and funny and he’s always helping me. He has been fighting to make sure that I survive. He’s taking care of me.”

“Taking care of you? You don’t need anyone to take care of you. You’re not some fucking core chattel! You are more than their silent, submissive little wives. You will not be one of them!”

I looked at Mama, who was always the kindest and softest of our family. Who was always quick to settle everyone and say something hopeful. But she looked just as stricken.

“What about that nice boy, Az?” she asked, her grey eyes wide and pleading. “Why can’t you be with him instead?”

Celeste groaned, stepping forward and looking Mama square in the eye. “Mama, he’s an Altair!”

I gasped, taken aback that Celeste outright said it. I had a feeling she knew, but couldn’t help the shock from showing on my face.

“Oh, don’t act surprised,” she said. “You know, I’m not at all stunned by the fact that you thought they wouldn’t know.

But I sure am offended that you believed I wouldn’t realize it.

Unlike you, I actually go to the general’s speeches.

Because even though it’s disgusting, it’s important we know what they’re thinking and wanting to do.

It’s vital we stay aware. Ignorance might be momentary bliss, but all it does is cause bigger problems in the end. ”

Her comment startled me, because hadn’t I been thinking the same thing?

Wasn’t it just recently that I realized that my own intelligence made everything wrong with the world so much more obvious?

How it haunted me and prevented me from feeling anything but existential dread?

Now here was Celeste, calling me out for my own behavior—my own ignorance.

I never went to the general’s speeches. I made sure that my family weren’t around the protests. I never spoke out or even attempted to talk to other of eadi.

Abruptly, I was reminded of her letter she had sent me about silence and how she didn’t want that to be her legacy. She was right, and it would surely be mine.

“Celeste, I’m sorry. I just—I can explain—I didn’t have any other option! Altair forced my hand!”

“So you’re going to blame him, then? Is it also the other guy’s fault that you’re sleeping with?”

“Celeste!” Mama yelled, chastising her, but I could tell by her half-hearted correction that Mama was thinking the same thing. When my eyes flicked to Dad, I saw sorrow and disappointment lingering on his face.

“Listen, a lot happened while I was there. I didn’t want you all to know how bad it was.

I didn’t want to scare you or overwhelm you.

All I needed was time to explain.” None of them so much as blinked, unflinching in their fury.

“I felt like everything was on my shoulders. I was working on borrowed time, knowing that you guys were planning to stop taking haya when I graduated, and I needed an ally. But none of that matters because we’re here and I have the stars and I’m pretty sure—”

“Stop with your annoying, incessant need to fix us!” Celeste yelled.

“We aren’t the ones who need to be fixed.

It’s you! You’re the one who lost your humanity.

It’s you whose soul is being slowly ripped out from you.

And it’s you that worships the stars like some sick evangelical.

You’re just like them. You’re the problem here! ”

Dumbstruck, all I could do was stare at her open mouthed. She had said so much—too much.

“Celeste, stop it!” Dad cut in, pushing his chair forward.

Tears began dripping down my cheeks, my heart unsteady.

“Nova, listen, there is so much I think we need to tell you. Important things that I have feared for so long would lead to further punishment. But for now, we can do our best to understand. Maybe going to this dinner would be a… good thing.”

“Yes, it could be. We will clearly have a lot to do with them now that you have the stars. Another story we’re owed,” Mama added, walking up to Dad and placing her hands on his shoulders, rubbing them in reassurance.

“I don’t think that’s a good—”

“Nonsense! We’ll get ready immediately. Do you know the way there?”

“No, but I can ask Talon. I need to grab a couple things from the academy anyways. How about I meet you guys back here in an hour?”

I didn’t wait for their response, summoning my shadows and feeling as the magic burned within me. Perhaps if I were lucky it’d leave my heart in ashes.

I arrived in the alchemy classroom and promptly broke into sobs before falling to the ground, hating myself.

How had I messed everything up so completely?

Where had I gone wrong? When did I take a turn?

I wished I had answers for myself, but I couldn’t figure it out.

Because clearly this began long before I went to Elite Academy.

I had seen it in Celeste before then, on my birthday especially.

But now I knew that this had been festering for far longer than I realized.

And she was right. Who was I if not the enemy in her eyes?

I had become everything she hated, someone and something that stood in her way of happiness.

I hated to admit it, but I was lying to myself before.

I was the monster beneath her bed, the creature haunting her nightmares—I was a shaytan, an elite, practically a core myself.

And I wouldn’t change.

Despite her clear desire for me to stop, I still pushed myself up off the ground, walked over to one of the tall black tables, and got to work making new crystals.

I had never had the guts to use academy resources before, but with everybody gone, I felt like now I could.

Or perhaps it was just my lack of caring after feeling as if my family was giving up on me.

Before I forgot, I grabbed parchment and graphite from one of the drawers, scrawling a hasty note to Talon asking him to meet me at my house so he could shadow walk us to his, being sure to include a detailed map of my home and where it was located.

When I willed the bird to fly away, I felt my stomach twist, wishing I could redo this day. But all I could do was move forward.

Drying my tears, I got to work.

Not bothering to open up one of the alchemy texts, I worked on the crystals by memory, the process faster now that I knew what to do and had all of the resources at the tip of my fingers. Within half an hour, I had them ready.

From there it was just seeing if the stars were willing to let me do such a thing.

Surely there would be consequences if I did it and they didn’t like it.

But I secretly hoped that, if that were the case, they would prevent me from succeeding rather than punish me after.

I didn’t want to get my hopes up, though I guessed that regardless I would, because it seemed like Celeste was not interested in any solutions I could come up with.

My mind bubbled with thoughts about a future where I could somehow have it all as I gripped one of the crystals tightly in my hands. If this worked in the way I was hoping, then I wouldn’t even need a crystal.

Where did I begin? Was I meant to order magic into the crystal? Would the vibrant blue and pink hues change at all?

“Stars, if you’re listening, help me out here,” I mumbled, clutching the crystal tighter.

As if they were simply waiting for me to speak, a chorus of hums began in my mind, the sound rattling my teeth. And then all three crystals shattered, haunting giggles ringing in my ears.

I took the stairs up to mine and Talon’s room, wanting to suffer a little bit.

When I got to the hallway, it was eerily silent. I had a feeling that no one would be here, because why would they? We had successfully graduated. Everyone was probably at home or somewhere out celebrating.

I charged down the long hall, wishing more than anything that I could just disappear for a little bit while knowing that was simply not possible.

A loud bang came from the far end and I couldn’t help but turn my head and stare. Was that coming from our room? A perplexed expression overtook my face as I sped up my walk. No, that was definitely coming from Altair’s room. Not my problem then.

Before I could rush into my room and escape whatever freaky shit he was getting into, his door opened. It’s like he always knew I was there. I hated it.