Page 70 of A Curse On Black Lake (Black Lake Gothic Cowboys #1)

Chapter fifty-three

Eliana

This feels like mourning. I feel like I’ve experienced more devastating death, and yet no one has died. Maybe my heart did. I’m lamenting the pain of loving someone and not being able to express it with those exact words.

Sure, love is more than simply saying it.

It’s a look across the room. It’s searching for him next to you in bed.

It’s making food to fill stomachs. It’s the intimacy of a place where time no longer exists and souls intertwine, becoming one.

It’s our bodies connecting, leaving nothing between us.

It’s more than sex, and it’s more than a thank you.

It’s a brief touch when he walks past you.

It’s wiping tears and making promises in the night.

It’s being willing to sacrifice yourself regardless of the cost. And I am willing to do it despite all we have lost.

Killian hums to the radio playing Neon Moon by Brooks & Dunn, and I stare at him in shock.

Not once since I’ve been in this truck has he ever had the radio on.

Granted, there isn’t a lot we get from the radio, but it is Texas.

So we definitely get a country station. But what makes this even more shocking is the fact Killian is humming along to the song.

I don’t think I’ve heard him hum anything.

“Are you okay over there? You look like you ate a rotten peach,” he says.

My mouth splits into a smile, and I push my hair back. “You’re humming.”

“Am I?” he says.

“Yeah, are you happy?” I ask him. It’s evident based on the soft smile on his lips, but I want to hear him say it. I think I need to hear him say it. At least I’ll leave him happy in the moment.

Or maybe that’s what you’re telling yourself.

Please shut up. I tell the Spirits.

We are not trying to stop you because it has to be done. But he deserves to know. He has given you all of himself, and it is only fair that you give him all of you.

“Yeah, I think so, little witch,” he says and reaches across, grabbing my hand to hold while he drives with the other.

“Good,” I rasp over the gravel in my throat, hoping he doesn’t ask me.

He kisses my knuckles and keeps his eyes on the road. The song ends, and another classic comes on.

I can’t give him everything because it will make it harder on him, I tell the Spirits.

That is not for you to decide. How would you feel if he did this to you?I hate that they’re asking a good question.

A Radcliffe has to be in love to break the curse, and Killian is in love with me. It is the answer to end the century of misery, even if it sucks, even if I don’t want to leave him. Yes, they have a point, but in my mind it’s easier to move on from someone if they never said I love you. Right?

You are fooling yourself, and you know it. Love is more than words.

I ignore them and look out the window. Everything is green and lush, but as always, there is a tinge of grey to the sky.

There’s an edge of darkness and misery no matter where you go in this town.

Most of us don’t notice the decayed state of Black Lake anymore.

This town is a representation of all that is dark, evil, and dead.

My sacrifice could change that. Then maybe the people of this town can move on.

At least that’s my hope. But as always, not everything is as it appears to be.

The curse on this town may not be the only thing holding it captive.

Killian turns onto my street, and I brace myself to see the police caution tape and someone there to tell me I can’t go into my own home.

He comes up the driveway and puts the truck in park. Nothing is there. No one is standing guard. It’s as if a dead body was never found in my backyard.

“Looks like the coast is clear. Ready?” Killian asks me.

“As I’ll ever be,” I mutter and hop out.

My heart thuds in my chest as I get to the front door and turn the key in the lock.

I’m aware there is no reason for me to be nervous entering my own home.

But I feel guilty for feeling like it’s not my own anymore.

It was Grams’s, I simply lived here. Yes, it was all willed to me.

Regardless, Killian’s house feels more like home, and I don’t know what to do with that.

I wonder how Gram’s would respond? This house has been in our family for generations, and I’ve failed all my ancestors if I can’t figure this out.

You have not failed, flower.

My stomach rolls, and I bend over, hands on knees. My lungs are seizing, and I can’t breathe.

“Eliana?” Killian says my name, but I swear that was my Gram’s voice, but that’s not how this works. I don’t know who the Spirits are, but I know they aren’t my dead relatives.

I inhale staggered, deep breaths.

It was not your grandmother, child. It was a reminder that you have not failed her or your family.

“Then what am I supposed to do!” I yell out loud.

“Hey, what’s going on?” Killian asks, rubbing my back.

“I thought … I heard Grams,” I whisper.

He’s silent for a beat. “Did you?” he asks.

I shake my head, trying to breathe through it. It hurts, I want to puke, and I’m so frustrated I could scream.

“This is the only stock I have, and my garden is a mess. How can I come back from this?” I ask him and look back at my feet.

He pulls me to stand and takes my hand, kissing my knuckles. “You’re not alone in this, Eliana. I’m here to help you. You’ve been figuring things out well before we met, and so have I. So it’s fair to assume that we can put our heads together and lay out a plan.”

I nod and take a deep breath. My lungs finally open up, and I’m able to walk without bowling over in psychological pain.

“Let me get the store opened up, and if I’m lucky, get ten customers.”

Killian frowns, we know this town. We know the people in it, and we especially know how they see both of us. No one is going to come, but you can’t blame a girl for trying.

I dust the shelves and straighten anything the police might have touched. I clean the countertop by the register and drain one of the tonics. After I get that bottled, I put it in the cabinet so the sun doesn’t get to it.

“Come on, let’s go look at the garden,” Killian says.

We go out the back door, and my heart breaks all over again.

My beautiful roses are destroyed. Some of my herbs were pulled so far out of the ground, despite their deep roots, that the plants are half-dead, yet still determined to stay alive.

The Texas heat hasn’t done anything to help either.

It has fried what would normally be able to withstand the temperatures.

“It looks like we can replant some of this, but it’s going to need a lot of water. What do you think about the rest?” Killian asks me.

“It doesn’t look salvageable,” I mutter.

“Well, we can plant new. And you know I’ve been thinking…” Killian trails off and I wait for him to continue.

“Since you need to be able to produce more in a faster time, that means you need more plants, and well, my offer still stands. You can use my land to grow what you want. And I know last time, you had no interest in staying with me, let alone being with me, but everything has changed now. Right? So maybe your answer has too.”

My heart melts out of my chest into a puddle on the floor. My tongue burns with the need to tell him how I love him, which would be better than ‘I need you’, even if it is the best I can do.

I love him more than any plants I grow, or sketches I draw. I love him beyond the sunny, grey-tinged sky, and the stars in the sky. I love him more than the fate of our intertwined destinies.

My love for him will go beyond the grave, and when this is all over, I hope he knows that. I hope he carries it with him. And I hope he’s happy again.

So I tell him what I so desperately wish I could finish with him. “I would love that.”

He grins widely, like he solved the whole problem. “I can build you a greenhouse too. I know you’ll obviously come back here quite a bit, but if you can scale up, maybe you can sell to other towns.”

“I think that’s a great idea. I don’t know who to call for that though,” I tell him.

He lifts his hat off his head and scratches it. “Maybe we can make a day of it, I’ll take you to a few towns, and you can bring samples or somethin’,” he says.

“Such a businessman,” I say, grinning.

“That’s how I expanded my direct beef sales into the other towns. I even have folks in Dallas who drive all the way out here to get it. So why can’t you?”

I could cry right now, but I keep the tears away.

“I love it.”

“Good, good. So I’ll get those few plants back in the ground and water them,” he says.

“Thank you, I’m going to see what I have in seed storage. I should have enough to start over again.”

Killian walks off, and I watch him leave. I’m sure he feels my eyes on him, but he lets me get my fill.

I should’ve known that I couldn’t have this. I couldn’t have him, and I’d never get the chance to fall into a future filled with a love like this.

But that’s life — full of hopes and dreams that will never come true.

Surprisingly, I had two customers. I think they were more curious about what happened instead of shopping. But they purchased some soap and salves. What do I care if they were disappointed?

Killian did his best to water and fix the salvageable plants. Other than that, the rest has to be cleared out, but that’s going to take a while. The amount of work that I need to do is going to take months if not years because I can’t harvest first year for some plants.

My stomach twists again. I don’t know why I’m even bothering to think about the future. I should have told Killian not to bother.

You do not know the timing of your life. The Spirits say.

“I guess I have to prepare for the worst to be sooner rather than later,” I mumble to them.

You must live each day as if it is your last but hope for tomorrow. Even we are not told your day.

“Tell that to Killian.”