Page 64 of A Curse On Black Lake (Black Lake Gothic Cowboys #1)

Chapter forty-nine

Eliana

I sob into his shirt from the pain of another broken heart. I’m being dragged into the darkness by the weight of what I’ve seen despite how hard I kick. I want to be free of all of it.

I want to live despite the death that surrounds us. I want to try with Killian. I want to know what it is to give myself to someone without anything keeping us apart.

Only the vision I had doesn’t give us that choice.

There is no choice when it comes to love.

I cry more at the Spirits words. How do I have a choice when it means protecting him?

Killian holds me tight until I can pull myself together.

I’m so tired of crying. The sobering reality of what has to happen makes me want to pull away from him, put up a solid wall and get through this, until it’s over.

It might hurt us both less.

But I can’t. I can’t bring myself to put that wall back up. Everyone else around me has never seen past what I’ve allowed them to, except for Grams. I ignored the longing in my heart for someone else to see me as I am behind all of it.

Until now.

Killian saw me, and he didn’t balk. He didn’t sneer.

For once in my life, I didn’t scare someone away. He has made it abundantly clear that he wants me. He wants all of me, Spirits and strangeness.

The vision contained the past, and our future. I saw the curse played out in front of me. The only way to end this all is to break the curse with a true sacrifice, like Jasper did all those years ago. It cannot be made out of hate or pride, but from love.

Love must conquer all, even in death.

I pull back from Killian’s chest, and he studies me with worried eyes. “Are you okay?” he asks.

I shake my head and look around, realizing that we’re downstairs, the sun is up, and Killian is still in his pajama shorts.

“What’s going on?” I ask him, confused.

“You … I don’t know, sleepwalked?”

“Really?” I ask him. I’ve never done that before.

“Yeah, I thought he got you, but Tiny followed you. It’s the only way I found you,” Killian says.

I blink, focusing on his features, and all I see is fear, and guilt builds in my throat. I did that. I caused his distress.

“How do I help you? Please tell me what I need to do,” he says desperately.

My heart cracks again.

“There’s nothing you need to do,” I whisper.

“Then tell me what happened. Have you done that before?” he asks.

“No, I haven’t. Where did you find me?”

“In the woods, you were lying there surrounded by Death Flowers and …” he trails off. “What happened?” he asks again.

I don’t answer right away, afraid to tell him the truth, but I don’t want to lie.

“Eliana,” he says, and grabs my chin.

“We can break the curse,” I whisper.

“What?” he asks in total shock.

“I saw bits and pieces, but it will come to us. When the time is right, we will know what to do.”

His brows furrow, and he searches my eyes. “You … saw that? Like a vision?” he asks.

“Yeah,” I tell him, hoping he’ll leave it, but if I know Killian, he won’t.

“Have you ever had a vision before?”

“A few, but nothing of this nature. It was powerful. I’ve never been locked away like that.”

“But how will we know when the time is right?” he asks.

I smile and lift my hand to his cheek. “Trust me.”

He nods and leans his forehead on mine. “It terrified me. I didn’t know what to do. I kept calling for you, but you didn’t respond to anything. I thought…” he trails off, and takes a long deep breath. “I thought I lost you,” he says, his voice breaking.

“I’m right here.”

“I don’t know what I’d do with myself, I don’t know what I’d do without you. Not anymore.”

His eyes search mine while his top teeth nibble his bottom lip, like he’s trying to decide if he should tell me something.

My stomach tenses, and the air in my lungs trips on its way out.

I can’t hear him say the words. He can’t say it.

Not when I have to do the worst thing I could imagine, which will change his life again.

The irony is not lost on me that his ancestor’s intention was to punish those who stood by and watched her tragedy, and did very little, if anything, to stop it.

She was seeking vengeance, and it backfired because when I sacrifice myself for the man I love, it will only hurt him more.

“Eliana, I—”

I don’t give him the chance to speak the words I’m afraid to give him, and slam my mouth onto his.

He straightens, pulling me onto his lap, tightening his arms around me.

I forget about what I saw and focus on his touch, letting it ground me.

Grabbing his face with both hands, I lean into the kiss, rubbing my thumbs over his beard then slipping my hands to the back of his neck.

He groans into my mouth as I lightly drag my nails across his neck, and he deepens our kiss.

I sit up, forcing him to lean back.He groans, nipping my bottom lip and then soothing the sting.

It’s chaotic, and critical, and heartbreaking all at the same time.

Undone, I press myself into his chest, and his hands drop to my hips, squeezing the muscle. Everything we do together is as if it was always meant to be. Like our story was written long before we were born — now I know it was.

Killian pulls back, holding my face in his hands, keeping me from kissing him again. His expression twists in confusion, and I want to wipe it off his face. Lunging for him again, he pulls back.

“Eliana—”

“Please don’t,” I whisper.

He blinks. “Don’t what?”

“Nothing,” I whisper.

“I don’t know what to do,” he says.

Physically, I’m perfectly fine. But mentally? Emotionally? I am crumbling like a centuries-old house. I am parchment exposed to the sun for so long. One touch and I’ll disintegrate.

All I do know is I want him. I love him, but I can’t tell him.

Killian puffs out a harsh groan and squeezes my thighs, looking away from me. His jaw ticks.

Then his gaze grabs my own. “What do I need to do, Eliana? What do I need to do to make you understand that I’m not going anywhere? Look at where you are right now,” he says, gesturing to his lap.

I start to climb off of him, put distance between us because I feel like I can’t breathe, but his grip won’t let me move. It’s not painful, yet it’s punishing, determined.

I relax, and the tight pull of his mouth betrays his desperation to make me understand. Little does he know I’m beyond my desperation for him.

“I cut this conversation short the other day. But because of what happened last night, we need to have it now.”

I swallow thickly, waiting for the hammer to drop.

“Why do you keep doing this? I told you how I feel. I wouldn’t have said it if I didn’t mean it.

But you’ve barely said a word. Eliana, I don’t do things for you and expect something in return.

That’s not the kind of man I am. Your body is telling me one thing, and your words say another.

Is this all in my head? Are you just biding time with me?

” he asks, with eyes that are full of painful vulnerability, and I immediately want to quash it.

He’s right. He’s done everything he said. I told him I was ready, but I can’t hear him say the words. If he says it, I’m afraid I’ll give in, and it will only hurt him more.

So I go with a part of what I’m feeling, at least he can have a piece of me even though I wish I could give him myself entirely.

“This has been very fast for me. Not that I want you to stop, but I’m struggling. And after what happened last night, and the way you looked at me when I came out of my trance or whatever, it scared me.”

“Yeah because I thought you were gone,” he rasps, and clears his throat.

“I thought I’d have to bury someone else I love, and I can’t take that again,” he whispers, dropping his eyes from mine.

My heart lurches from my chest, and all the butterflies erupt from the arteries. The word slips past his lips, practiced, like he says it to me every day. I want him to say it to me every day. I wish he could say it to me every day.

Killian takes my wrist with his large hand, placing it over his heart.

It burns my palm, and the weight building in my chest is painful.

It’s a beautiful ache from the thorns of love, pricking me, making me bleed, confirming that what I feel for him is as real as the blood pumping through my veins.

I’ve craved it for most of my life. I had the blessing of a grandmother who loved me more than anything.

But this love is different.

This love is the guarantee of loss. It’s like ripping out your organs to save someone else. It is the vulnerability of exposing yourself to someone not knowing what they will do, but the love you have for them is worth the risk. It’s the raw, open wound that only he can heal.

It’s the kind of love people only dream about, only read about. This is the kind that people have fought wars for, have died for.

Will die for.

His gaze is full of intent, of the seriousness of the words he’s about to say, and the corner of his mouth tipped up, like he’s excited to tell me.

But all I can do is brace myself for the impact of them.

For the impact of letting myself decay from the inside out by not being able to say it back.

I’ve never said them to another. To someone who deserves them.

“I want to tell you something, and you don’t have to say anything back.

But I want you to understand that no matter what happens in the next few hours, weeks, months, or years.

I don’t want to love you in secret Eliana, I want to love you so loudly it drowns out everything else.

” Killian takes a breath and kisses my nose.

“I want everyone to know you’re mine. I know I’m … messed up. I know I have my own issues. But you’re it for this broken man,” he says, pointing to his chest.

Every single cell in my body begs me to say it back because I feel the same way. I want every broken, sharp piece of him.

He has kept people away since his father died, afraid to feel the devastation again. So how can I say those words to him because I want to give them to him, regardless of the consequences? That’s selfish, and because I love him, I keep those three special words to myself.

“I haven’t dropped my walls for anyone but Grams, and she’s gone.”

“Are you willing to try for me?” he asks, and I catch the knowing look on his face.

My walls started crumbling the first time he kissed me. I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to admit he brings out all the good in me and protects it, nurtures it.

“Yes because the way I feel about you isn’t normal. Not that I know what that is,” I tell him.

Killian chuckles and leans forward, kissing me slowly. His hand releases one of mine and drags it down my spine reverently.

“I think we left ordinary behind us the moment I pulled you out of that ditch,” he says.

I giggle and shake my head, yet simultaneously hate myself for giving him even a little bit of hope. I should have told him no. “Who would’ve thought,” I rasp, hoping he doesn’t hear the crack of my heart against his because I’m pretty sure they’re beating in sync now.

He rubs his thumb on the underside of my jaw and leans in to my ear. “Normal is boring anyway,” he says, and nips my lip.

I tuck my nose into his neck as he rubs his hand up and down my back.

“I’d like to take you out on a date,” he says.

I smile against his skin and shake my head.

“No?” he asks.

Pulling away from the safety of his neck, I shake my head again. “There aren’t exactly great restaurants in Black Lake,” I tell him.

Maybe I can enjoy this, even if for a little bit. We’ll have these moments together. That’s worth something, isn't it? I ask myself.

The Spirits don’t respond. In fact, they’ve been quiet since I woke up.

He chuckles. “What do you mean? Sully’s Saloon has food.”

“And foodborne illnesses,” I mutter.

He laughs. “That’s why I’m going to make you dinner. I’ll run to the store, find some cheap wine, and we’ll put some Eden Ranch steaks on the grill, and something else I find.”

“Tonight?” I ask him.

He grins. “Yep, tonight. I don’t want to wait.”

I snort and can’t help myself pressing my mouth to his. “Yes,” I mumble against his lips.

He chuckles and kisses me again, deeper this time.

“Thank you,” I whisper.

He frowns. “For what?”

“For saving me.”

“I’ll always save you, Eliana, regardless of how you feel about me.”

Tears prick the back of my eyes, and I blink them away, kissing him again, pushing the full burden of loving him through our kiss, knowing I’ll lose him.