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Lux

Me too

And I was wide awake and ready to like it when it disappeared.

She unsent it.

17

Lux

It’s four in the morning, and I’m wide awake. My brain is firing on all cylinders because my thoughts have been everywhere at once. That’s what woke me up at two. I left something sticking out of a mental drawer, and it came back to haunt me. The something was whatever happened at the end of my date with Oliver.

I was so tired from the sex and the whole day of moving around that I went to sleep as soon as he left. I didn’t want to think about the last minutes of our time together. I purposefully didn’t answer his text. I planned to do it in the morning, but when I opened my eyes and smelled him on my pillow, I reached for my phone. A couple of times, the typing dots came on, like he debated saying something but didn’t dare.

I knew something was wrong and should’ve called it out, but I didn’t dare either.

I am not sure what changed. I didn’t push for anything. He offered to hang out with Ayla and me. All I did was say yes, but that seemed to make him uncomfortable. His message about wanting to see me again should have warmed me up. Instead, it felt awkward and as forced as my politeness when I walked him to the door. I didn’t just want to leave him on read. I shot him a text.

Me too.

Then, I regretted it immediately, so I unsent it. I regretted that too. Am I doing too much? Overthinking it? My skin got jittery, and I hopped off the bed, knowing sleep wouldn’t come. I ran up the stairs and began working on a blog and an idea for a video, which I started on right away.

7 Non-Cliche Ways to Nurture Yourself.

I jot down the full skeleton of my idea. I even do a practice shoot. Tomorrow, I’ll call that tranquility coach that Winter told us about. She can guide me into better breathing and shutting off my thoughts. I haven’t been able to meditate like I used to.

I go downstairs after I’m done and drop into child pose in my living room. I change into a reclining hero pose, and my stomach begins to burn, my breath stalling. My last breakup ruined the pose for me. It now induces anxiety, conjuring things that make me uncomfortable, like all the signs I missed during my relationship with Mateo and social media using me as a bullseye.

All I can see is Ollie’s awkward retreat from me, getting dressed quickly, and leaving in a hurry like I was a drunk college hookup he needed to put behind him. My cheeks are burning with embarrassment. He couldn’t wait to leave me. I quickly switch into a plank and torture my belly muscles. I let them burn until I can’t hold it anymore, and I collapse on the floor.

As I pant, I wonder what’s truly bugging me. I close my eyes for a second, and music blares while my heart bruises my sternum. Cardi is screaming that no bitch is gonna front on her while I massage a hand over my chest.

Who’s calling me at this time? I pat around for my phone but can’t find it. There’s a bright light in my eyes and drool in the corner of my mouth. I look around and am still on the floor, in my underwear and tank top. It’s bright daylight. I fell asleep after the plank. My phone doesn’t stop ringing. I find it a few steps away and answer without looking.

“Hello.”

“Oh, so it was a good date. You sound exhausted.” The laughter is in Lauren’s voice.

“I am exhausted. I fell asleep on the floor.”

“Oh my. Better than I thought. You baptized the whole place…”

“Shut up. Why are you calling me this early?”

“Lux, it’s ten in the morning.”

Oh shit. I sit up fast. “I need to go get ready. The workers come at eleven today.”

“So, he’s coming back for seconds?”

“No,” I practically yell. “He’s at Winter’s today.”

“Why are you so touchy? Don’t tell me nothing happened,” she says.

“It did.”

“And it was bad?”