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I gape at her for a second, trying to wrap my head around this shit. “What?”
“I know I should have told you the truth, but you were really hurting, and I thought if you directed your anger at me, then at least I’d be there to counter it. I didn’t want you to hate your father. He’s not a bad man. I know what he was convicted of, and yes, I hate that he lost his temper and flew into a rage that way, but it’s only because they were threatening to hurt us. To hurtyou.”
I feel like my brain has started spinning inside my fucking skull.
“I begged him not to go out that night, but he got a phone call and went all pale. He said he needed to deal with something and wouldn’t say what. Next thing I knew, the police were calling and telling me that my husband had been arrested for murder.” Her voice breaks, and she sucks in a dry sob. “A few weeks before that call, I’d tried to convince him to get out of Denver. I wanted to take you and just run, but he didn’t want to be looking over his shoulder. He said he was going to finish it, and I didn’t really know what that meant until…” She sniffs, her head jerking back and forth.
I swallow, watching her struggle with her emotions.
Gripping her hands in her lap, she releases a ragged breath before continuing. “I told him I’d wait for him, but he wouldn’t have it. The day those divorce papers came was the worst one of my life.” She closes her eyes and a tear breaks free, trailing down her cheek. She doesn’t bother wiping it away. “He knew I wouldn’t move on without him. I told him I’d follow him to the ends of the earth.” Opening her eyes, she stares right at me, her broken heart on open display. “But he wouldn’t let me.” Her breath catches as she swipes away her tears. “He pushed us away to keep us safe, and I loved and hated him for that.”
I slump back on the couch, staring at her, trying to figure out what to do with all those years of anger and resentment I’d piled up against her. I hated her for leaving Dad.
But she didn’t.
He pushedheraway.
Wiping her face, Mom sniffs and tries to pull herself together. “Your dad made me promise that I’d take you miles from Denver. Start a new life and keep you safe. He really wanted me to move to San Francisco. None of his old gang had ties there, and he was convinced it was the safest place for us.” She forces a smile. It’s that fake plastic one she uses on clients she doesn’t really like. “Anyway, I met Johnson pretty soon after we arrived. And he was safe, you know? He was wealthy. He could provide for us. He wasn’t dangerous, and he really liked me. So…” She shrugs. “I went with it.”
My eyebrows dip together. “Do you love him?”
“Yeah.” She nods. “But not like I love your father.” Her expression buckles again, her fingers shaking as she slashes more tears off her face. “I don’t think I’ll ever get over him. He was my soulmate. And I’ll miss him forever.” She gives me a sad shrug.
Dipping my chin, I squeeze the back of my neck. I’m really struggling to get my head around all of this. Mom loved my dad. She didn’t want to leave him. Johnson was just a safe bet.
And I was the shitty, messed-up teenager who couldn’t get over his world being torn apart. So I acted out. I behaved like a first-class fucker because it used to piss Johnson off, and for some reason, that gave me a sick sense of satisfaction. Maybe I did it because it felt like the only thing I could control. When nothing else was going right, at least I could piss off the rich prick who was screwing my mom.
I should probably voice some of this shit. Kylie would like that.
But then Mom sniffs and pulls her shoulders back. “So… now you know everything. I should have told you before you left for college, and I’m sorry I didn’t. I could sense how desperately you wanted to reconnect with your dad, and I wanted that for you too.” She touches my cheek, her smile a mix of heartache and affection. “And you had a few good visits sprinkled in there.” Her eyes soften. “You’re so loyal, Carson. You always have been.”
I frown, unable to hold her gaze.
“And you’ve always been really hard on yourself too. You reached for anger every chance you could get. It was always your defense mechanism, and I didn’t know how to help you.” She glances at Kylie before looking back at me. “I should have tried harder. Babe, I’m so sorry I didn’t get you into counseling or find you a better way.”
I shrug and shake my head. “It probably would have been a waste of your money back then. I wasn’t ready.”
She nods, then starts to smile. “But you are now.”
I shrug again, still not sure if I’ll ever be capable of true change… or getting my girl back.
“Yes, you are.” Mom takes my face in her hands and forces me to look at her. “And you’re not going to sit here wallowing or doubting yourself. You’re going to get your ass out of that chair because you’re a McAvoy. And they might be shitheads sometimes, but they never feel sorry for themselves. Your father gave up everything so you could have a life, and it’d kill him to know you were self-destructing. That’s probably why he won’t let you visit him anymore. He wants you to move on and make something of yourself. He wants his sacrifice to count.”
My chest tightens, my chin bunching as I listen to my mother’s certainty, her voice getting stronger with each word.
“So, you’re going to figure out what makes you the happiest, and you’re going to go after that thing, you hear me?”
I can’t respond. My throat’s too constricted. It hurts to breathe.
“Carson, yes, you are. You’re going to do this, because you deserve to be happy. And you’re… you’re valuable. Do you understand me?” She tips my head so I’m looking right at her again. Her eyes are bright with conviction as she brushes her thumb over my cheek and whispers, “You are so valuable to me. And to your roommates and your team. This girl who you’ve been trying to push away—you are valuable to her. You hear me? You’re so valuable.”
I sniff, fighting off tears as a battle rages within me.
I want to believe her so badly, but I don’t know if I can.
“Look at me,” she orders when my gaze starts to dip. “You’re a good man, and you deserve to be happy. You deserve to live your best life.”
My expression crumples along with everything else inside me. I had no idea this was gonna hit so hard, but something in my chest snaps. I can feel this tumbling sensation right through my body, and then the tears that I gave no permission to fall start trickling from my eyes.