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My lips twitched as I listened, but I couldn’t pull off an actual smile because I was too fucking nervous. And now my stomach is being eaten alive as we step inside Kylie’s office and take a seat on the couch.
“Nice to meet you, Mrs. Baldwin.” Kylie shakes her hand while I squirm beside my mother, hating that she took that douchebag’s name. Why? Why’d she take his fucking name?
“Thank you for inviting me.” Mom gives her a polite smile, then darts her eyes at me. “It’s great that you’ve been able to help my son with… his issues.”
I snort and shake my head.
Mom sighs, her shoulders slumping. “I don’t know what to call it, babe. What do you want me to say? You never tell me anything, so I have no idea what’s really going on.”
“Okay, well, that’s a good starting point.” Kylie takes a seat across from us. “Carson, why don’t you explain to your mother what you’re trying to achieve by coming to see me? Tell her what’s brought about this desire for change.”
I hate this shit.
I hate this shit so fucking much, but…
Nylah.
Her name is a whisper in my chest. A promise.
I have to do this for her. For me.
Closing my eyes, my knee starts bobbing as I suck in a breath… then just go for it. I tell Mom everything, from how much I’ve been struggling, to Dad not wanting to see me, to Fleischer riling me up, and then how I crashed the bike. I even told her that for a second there, I thought about jumping. Her face went so pale after that part, I couldn’t look at her again.
For some reason, I can’t bring Nylah’s name into the equation, so I just mention a girl I really cared about and how I lost her because I’m a fucking idiot.
It all comes tumbling out, and Mom’s sitting on the couch, statue-still except for her face, which worked its way through a plethora of emotions until I turned away from her. I don’t know what expression she’s wearing right now; I just know I have to keep talking until I’m done.
“So yeah… now I’m benched until further notice, and I’m doing everything in my power to earn back Coach’s respect.”
I let out a slow breath, then steal a glance at her face. She’s looking all bug-eyed and shell-shocked.
And I’m fucking exhausted now.
Resting my hands on my knees, I wait for Mom’s reaction. She blinks, opening her mouth a couple times before flashing a polite smile at the counselor.
Kylie nods—a silent encouragement for Mom to take her turn.
“Well, that was…” Mom swivels to face me. “That’s been quite the journey so far.” She lets out an awkward laugh, then clears her throat when she sees me wincing. “I’m sorry it’s been so tough for you. I had no idea.”
With a thick swallow, I glance at Kylie. Her expression is neutral, and I don’t know what to say to keep this going.
“Your dad will be gutted about the bike. He loved that thing.”
“I know,” I croak, that ache blooming inside me again. “Don’t know how I’m gonna tell him. Although, I don’t know when I would anyway.” My lips feel heavy, sad somehow. I didn’t know lips could feel that, but mine do.
“He really won’t see you?”
I shake my head, and when she doesn’t immediately respond, I steal a look at her.
As soon as our eyes connect, her expression crumples. “He won’t let me see him either.”
“What?” I scowl at her. “You don’twantto see him. What are you talking about?”
Biting her lips together, Mom looks to the floor and softly mumbles, “I still try sometimes. Just to check on him.” Her voice goes soft and wispy. “I never wanted to leave Denver.”
Jerking back, I can’t help growling, “You couldn’t get out of there fast enough.”
“But I didn’t want to go.” She closes her eyes, pinching the bridge of her nose and pulling in a shaky breath. “Your father wanted to keep us safe. He was worried that his past was going to touch us. So, he left me. I didn’t ask for a divorce.” She looks right at me, the honesty on her face so stark, I have to believe her when she says, “He did.”