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She had just turned his world upside down, and she expected him to relax? “There hasn’t ever been a moment since we met that I didn’t want you, Sunshine. Not ever. I wanted you back then, but I didn’t feel like I was good enough for you.”
She sighed softly. “I loved you then, too. Just the way you were, Sam.”
Sam’s heart thundered against the wall of his chest and he wondered if he’d ever get used to her saying those words to him. He didn’t think so. “Tell me again,” he demanded. “Say it.”
“I love you, Sam Hudson. I always have,” she answered with a smile in her voice.
“We’re getting married. Soon.” He pulled her tighter against him and grunted with satisfaction as her warm body melted into him. “Don’t move.”
“I think you’re the most stubborn man on the planet,” she said indignantly.
“You love me. You know you do,” he grunted.
“Yeah. I do,” she breathed softly against his shoulder.
Damn. Her answer is so much better than Simon’s.
Sam yawned, his eyes fluttering closed. He could feel the tempo of Maddie’s breath slowing against his shoulder, knowing she was falling asleep. He lay there for a moment, his eyes closed, savoring the feel of happiness and inner peace, and then he slept.
Several days later, Sam entered Maddie’s silent house, flipping on the lights as he went, determined to make it back to his house before she arrived home from work. He was cooking a special dinner for her and he had finally found the perfect ring to put on her finger, a heart-shaped diamond surrounded by smaller stones and set in platinum. He had picked it up from the jeweler today, and he was eager to put it on her finger, branding her as his forever.
Looking around her cozy home, he could almost feel the warmth of her personality flowing through the living room, and he was positive he could scent her essence in the air.
This house feels like Maddie.
He wandered the home for a few moments, taking in the mementos and figurines she must have collected through the years, things that would soon find a resting place in his house.
She makes my house feel like a home.
Maddie had stayed with him since his accident, catering to his every need except the most urgent one. He wanted her so badly, needed to bury himself inside her warmth so desperately, that he was restless and edgy. His body was healed. Although he was still black and blue in some places, he didn’t hurt anymore. The only thing aching was his cock, and Madeline was the only person who could take care of that particular ailment, one he planned to cure tonight before he went completely insane.
Making his way to her bedroom, he pocketed Maddie’s daily planner and some earrings from her jewelry box. There were several personal items that she had wanted before the movers came the next day, and he tracked down every one of them, stopping in a small bedroom that had been made into a makeshift office and library. He grabbed the novel she was currently reading and turned to leave when his attention was caught by a large collection of untitled books on one of the shelves. Curious, he pulled one out and looked at the cover.
Madeline’s Journal – 1998
Flipping the cover open, he looked at the writing, knowing it was penned by Maddie’s hand. He’d never known Maddie had kept a journal, and it was obviously a habit she had followed for years. There were at least thirty journals on the shelves. The entries were sporadic. Sometimes she went for several months without writing anything, and sometimes something was entered every day. He was about the close the book when one particular entry caught his eye.
I lost my virginity today. Lance and I have been dating for five months and I honestly didn’t feel I could deny him anymore. I wish I had. It hurt, and even though it only lasted a few minutes, it seemed like forever. I just lay there and prayed for the whole experience to be over. Lance didn’t tell me he loved me. He never has, and I really don’t think he actually does. Why am I in this relationship? Am I so desperate to forget Sam, so incredibly lonely that I’m settling for something I really don’t want? I feel so damn confused. I hate Sam Hudson, yet as I was hoping for a quick end to my first sexual experience, all I could think about was the fact that it should have been Sam.
Sam’s jaw clenched as he read, his fingers tightening on the journal as he read the next entry two weeks later.
I broke it off with Lance. I couldn’t take it. Other women think I’m insane because he’s handsome, wealthy, and popular on campus, but that doesn’t matter to me. All I know is that I can’t bear for him to touch me anymore. I have to get totally drunk to even let him have sex with me. It doesn’t feel right. It isn’t right. Maybe sex is good for other women because most of my classmates rave about it, but it isn’t for me. Lance told me I’m not a sexual woman and that I’m cold and frigid. Maybe he’s right, but I can’t help but think that he just isn’t the right guy. Anyway, I’m done with sex. Until I can find a guy who makes me feel the way that Sam used to make me feel, I’m not having sex again.It makes me feel so lonely and hopeless, even worse than actually being alone.
Sam slammed the book closed, unable to read about Maddie’s pain and confusion for another moment. It had been so similar to his sexual experiences in the past. When he had sex with a woman, he’d needed to pretend it was Maddie to even get through it. The act brought physical release, but it had also left him so empty inside that sometimes he went without for very long periods of time, unable to stomach being with any woman who wasn’t Maddie.
Obviously, she had never tried it again, never found a man she wanted to be with in all the years they were separated.
She abstained and I tried to pretend, leaving both of us miserable in different ways.
Sam put the book back in its place on the shelf and pulled out the previous volume, making himself read the entries from his time together with Maddie. He ran a frustrated hand through his hair as he read, his chest aching as he read about how heartbroken she had been about the incident with Kate. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t known, but reading her words brought him back to that time and place, made her pain so much more real, and his as well.
That was the day his soul had nearly died. Honestly, he had thought it was gone completely until he had seen Maddie again and she had dug down deep inside him to bring it back to life. The memories had never faded and he’d lived with his actions ever since. Constantly, over and over, torturing himself with thoughts of the pain he had caused Maddie and the agonized expression on her face for years now. Every day he had despised himself, wondering if he had done the right thing, hating himself for breaking her faith in him. His only consolation had been the fact that she was safe, unharmed. But it was a cold comfort in comparison to seeing that broken look on her beautiful face, reliving the experience day after day, and hating himself for being the man who had betrayed her trust.
As he closed that volume, he struggled for breath, letting himself actually feel the loneliness and desolation that had been a part of him for so long. Until he had seen Maddie again. Until she had healed him and brought him back to life. The vulnerability she brought out in him might terrify the hell out of him, but the thought of being without her was a hell of a lot worse than struggling through his fear.
Distractedly, he pulled out the most recent journal, flipping through the pages until he got to the last one, a recent entry that had only been written several days ago.
Sam still hasn’t told me that he loves me. I know he must love me because I don’t think I could feel the way that I feel if he didn’t feel the same. He proves his love in so many ways and I can feel it in his touch. I guess sometimes I just wish he would say it. It would actually be the first time in my entire life that someone said those words to me, and more than anything, I want to hear them first from Sam.