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“Is this about my offer?”

“No.”

“I was going to talk to you about it. I was?—”

“You don’t need to talk to me about it, Knox. It’s your business.”Ouch.

“Okay, well, I want to. Come back to my house with me.” I drop my arm from the door and cup her cheek. “Please.”

Her eyes flutter closed for a brief moment before shesteals a sharp breath. “I meant what I said. I’m tired. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

With my arm no longer holding the door, she’s able to step out of my reach and close it. Not before I catch a glimpse of the tiny ball of liquid sliding down her cheek.

I hang my head against the wooden door, my fingers scratching against it as if I can claw my way in there. I was so hung up on her staying that I wasn’t thinking about anything else. When I woke up this morning for the first time I had hope. I was crawling out of my skin nervous to ask her, and sure, she didn’t outright say, ‘Yes Knox, I love you, I’ll stay here with you forever’ but ‘I’ll see what I can do’ was a close second, and in the span of one afternoon and part of an evening, I might have fucked that up. I shove both hands through my hair in frustration before turning back down the stairs.

Taylor

Camila

FOUR MORE DAYS! FOUR MORE DAYS!

Sorry. Can you tell I miss you?

Taylor

IMYSASMIAH

Camila

I miss your silly ass so much it actually hurts?!

Taylor

It only took you 20 years to figure me out, but I’m proud of you.

Camila

*moonwalks across the kitchen*

I lookaround my cluttered room, and I can’t stand it anymore. Has this room looked like this for weeks? Yes. But I don’t clean when the space is a mess. I clean when my mind is a mess. And right now, my mind is so fucking fucked.

I gather all my shit into piles and pause when I start folding.Do I put these back in the dresser or in my suitcase?I drop the shirt and dig my palms into my eye sockets, desperate to relieve some of this built-up pressure. I feel like I’m crawling out of my own skin right now.

“Goddammit!” I flip the suitcase across the bed, panting heavily before I sit on the edge. As if Camila can sense something wrong, my phone vibrates on the dresser next to a stack of cups. I don’t have the emotional capacity right now to mask my feelings or to match her energy, so I let it go to voicemail. Once I flop down onto my back, I know I’m overwhelmed enough to the point that I’m not getting back up any time soon.

I waketo a soft rasp against my door. My eyes open but I don’t move other than pulling my pillow tighter to my body.

“Taylor, it’s Knox.” His voice sounds so broken, and a knot forms in my throat, as we both wait for the other one to say something. Each minute that passes, the knot grows, pulling tighter until I can no longer swallow. I couldn’t speak even if I wanted to. Part of me wants to rip the door off the hinges, jump into his arms, and let him convince me that it will all be alright. But the fearful part of me wins out as I continue to lay here until the thud of footsteps sounds, and I squeeze my eyes shut, allowing the heavy tears to leak out.

I wake up to pee,and it’s dark. It seems only fitting that I’m ending my trip the same way I started it—by sleeping the day away and being hungry. I wash my handsand find my phone to find it’s at 2% battery with a voicemail from Camila.

“Chicka Bonita, I was just calling to check in, haven’t heard from you in a few days other than that quick text, which seems suspicious. I guess no more suspicious than me leaving a voicemail, though. Okay, well, just give me a call later and at the very least send me your flight info so I can make sure I’m there to pick you up on time. Okay, that’s it, I lov?—”

I pull my phone away from my ear—dead.Awesome.I don’t bother to plug it in, instead, I sit in the oversized chair in the corner, pulling my legs up to my chest and resting my chin on my sweatpant-covered knees.

Of course, she’s wondering about my flight home, I’m supposed to be home in three days. Two days now? I don’t even know what time it is, let alone what day it is anymore. I heave a sigh as the heavy feelings from two nights ago wash over me. I was already in a vulnerable mood and not planning on going to dinner, but as I silently helped chop the vegetables with Isla, she unknowingly guilted me by telling me how excited she was that I would be joining my first town dinner. After a nice little trauma dump with my mom, dinner with an entire community of people who regard each other as family was the last thing I wanted to do. I wasn’t in the mood but I was willing to explain it to Knox after dinner. This is someone I felt safe enough around that I was ready to tell him why I was so scared, why I had been flighty, and why I gave him the cheek.

It only took finding out that that same someone was potentially leaving for me to shut down. For me to remember exactly why I don’t open up to people, why I never wanted to get close to someone, and why I tried avoiding this exact situation from the very beginning.