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I’ve known Taylor for a handful of days, and her energy and light are infectious— they’ve gotten me out of my house when I had no intention of braving the sun. I want so badly to understand her and why she feels this way, but the shift in her posture looks far too similar to mine when I’m forced to talk about my injury. Instead of prodding, I tuck this crumb of insight about her life into my pocket for later, grateful that she’s given it to me.

“You said you moved to San Francisco for school. What did you go to school for?”

“For Camila.”

“Who’s Camila?”

“Who’s Camila?!” Her eyes blink rapidly. “The Local Lemon Drop Champion. The Pop-Tart Princess. The mejor amiga of all time!”

“Best friend?”

“She’s more than a best friend.” She says. “But only slightly less than a lover.”

“And she’s the reason you moved?” I ask, confused.

“She’s the one who wanted to go to school out there. I knew she would need a little coaxing, and I didn’t think she would do it on her own so I made a big deal about how badly I wanted to go and we decided one night that if we both got in, we would go.”

“That’s…”

“Crazy?” she cuts me off, but there’s a smile in her voice.

“I was going to say loyal.” I feel her eyes on the side of my face again. “Your parents didn’t mind?”

“My parents weren’t around enough to care.” There is no sadness, anger, or judgment in her tone. She speaks no differently than if she were placing a coffee order. “They traveled a lot, saving baby animals and whatnot. They had their own shit.”

On the one hand, I want to bow down to the Novas for creating the incredibly beautiful, hilarious, and kind women next to me. On the other hand, I want to bash their skulls together for abandoning her.

“You don’t sound resentful.”

“I’m not.” She shrugs. “I traveled with them a few times when I was younger but eventually they started leaving me at home because I couldn’t afford to miss any more school.”

“And you were okay with that?”

“At the time, I think I was just excited that I got to spend so much time at my best friend’s house.”

My mind is swirling with questions, but I’m also plagued by the idea that anyone could stand to leave her behind. Especially a younger, more innocent version of her. I’ve only spent a few days with Taylor, and I’m already thinking about ways to spend more days with her.

“And now?”

“There’s no point in being upset now. It is what it is.”

“It is what it is?” I repeat.

“Yup. What will be will be. Live and let live. All that stuff. Life is too short to waste it on worrying about shit you can’t control.”

“I get what you’re saying, but you can still be angry or upset about things you can’t control. I’m not saying you have to let it ruin your life or dwell on it, but I don’t know if I could just ignore something like that.”

“It’s a waste of energy, Knox.” Her words have a note offinality to them and for the second time today, her body shifts slightly away from me. “And it’s just not who I am.”

I don’t doubt that she’s resilient, and I obviously don’t know the whole story, but I can’t get over how it feels like some of her words are meant to convince herself more than they are to convince me.

Taylor

I. Am.A. Dickhead.

There’s a knot in my stomach as we drive up into the parking lot. Knox pays the attendant, and as I watch them exchange a greeting with one another, the knot pulls tighter. This man could not have possibly been more understanding or receptive to the word vomit that I just spewed all over his truck, and I bit his head off for it. He’s obviously one of those people who is capable of processing and understanding all kinds of emotional situations so that he can live a healthy life, unlike me, who would prefer to pretend they never happened. If it never happened, there's nothing to be upset about. And for the most part, it’s worked.

Eyes closed, I lean my head on the seat behind me and let out a sigh. Not only did I info dump about my flippant parents, but for some reason, I told him about my ADHD, too. To say I wanted to crawl under the dash of his truck and hide after the words tumbled out of my mouth would be an understatement.