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"We shouldn't have let you throw away Gordon's cocaine," she said. "We should have just left it where it was. Now, we can't go back even if we wanted to," she griped.

Crystal returned to her reading. Raven closed her eyes. Butterfly moaned in her sleep and I stared at the long stretch of highway. I felt like I was sinking into a tub of cold mud. Freedom doesn't automatically make things better for you, I thought. You still have to deal with defeat and frustration and you have no one else to blame but yourself.

Even I was beginning to have some serious second thoughts. Had I talked them all into a disaster?

We had our dinner in a fast-food restaurant and drove until we crossed into Indiana. Everyone was nervous about sleeping in the car, so we searched for a cheap motel. We found one that looked like it had been taken over by rodents, but the price of a room with two double beds was only seventeen dollars.

The room smelled moldy and stale. Raven said it smelled like something died in the walls. I tried to open one of the windows, but it was jammed shut.

"No one's opened this for some time. It won't budge," I explained.

"We should sleep with the door partly open," Raven suggested, but Crystal was afraid.

"We're out in the middle of nowhere and there doesn't seem to be anyone else staying here tonight."

"Let's just make the best of it," I said, trying to avoid another argument. We were all cranky and tired and getting on each other's nerves.

When we finally lay down on the beds, we found the mattresses were so worn, we nearly sank to the floor. All of us slept in our clothes with our own pillowcases instead of the soiled ones that were on the bed. Despite our horrible sleeping quarters, the driving and our emotional roller coaster ride made us tired enough to drift off, and none of us woke during the night.

The bright morning sunshine easily penetrated the thin window shades and gauze-like curtains, but instead of welcoming us to a warm, new day, it only spotlighted the decay, rot, rust and filth of the room we were in. We were even reluctant to use the toilet, but did what we had to do out of necessity. We couldn't leave quickly enough and when we found a place to have breakfast, we washed and freshened up in their bathroom.

None of us were particularly hungry. Crystal did an analysis of our small finances and concluded if we were extra frugal, and if Gordon didn't stop his gas credit card, we could still make it to California.

"Why hasn't he stopped it from being used?" I wondered aloud.

Crystal thought a moment.

"There is the possibility he is tracking our escape route by checking to see where we use it," she concluded.

It put a cloud of dread over us for a moment.

"Of course, he would always be a little behind us, but still . . . ," Crystal said and let her words hang like icicles dripping cold visions of horror.

"How much more thrifty can we be?" Raven asked, getting back to our present problem.

"I'm talking about real economizing," she said. "This is the last time we eat in a restaurant. From now on, we buy food and eat in the car. Everyone likes peanut butter. We'll eat that for lunch," Crystal said. "Every day."

"Great," Raven said. "We used to complain about the food in the Lakewood House and now that looks like a gourmet restaurant to us."

"If your heart is so set on going back, Raven, go back," I snapped at her.

"With what? Five dollars? And then what happens when I get there? Gordon uses me for target practice? Thanks," she said, her mouth sinking at the corners.

"Then stop talking about it," I pleaded. "You're not doing us any good reminding us we're in a difficult spot."

"Brooke's right, Raven. You've got to concentrate on the positive," Crystal began. "It's the only way to combat depression."

"I'm sorry, you guys, I don't mean to be so disagreeable. It's just that . . . that . . . oh I don't even know!" And with tears running down her cheeks she headed quickly for the bathroom.

"Why are we fighting so much?" Butterfly asked softly.

"Because we're afraid," Crystal analyzed, "and it's easier to take it out on each other. Raven will snap out of it, don't worry."

When Raven returned, however, she appeared to be even more despondent.

"I need a warm bath," Raven said, letting out a huge sigh. "I'd even put up with Gordon looking down at me in the tub." As soon as the words left her lips I could tell she regretted uttering them.

Crystal's head snapped up so hard and fast, I thought she would tear the skin on her neck.