Page 11

"Not really," she would say and then go on to discuss evolution and how people are really a lot more like animals than they think.

Spare me, I would think and find some excuse to get away before she gave me a test.

It was easier living vicariously through Raven, easier to lie in bed and wait for her to return from her date, and then, as she got undressed, listen to her describe the night, watching the images form behind my eyes. She usually enjoyed telling me about her dates as much as I liked to listen, but when she returned from her date with Gary I could tell that something was wrong.

"I don't know what got into Gary tonight," she said angrily. "I guess he's just like all the others. His hands were everywhere. When I finally kicked him to get him off of me he laughed." She paused for a shaky breath. "He said everyone knew what girls like me were good for. He said he'd heard stories about me!"

"What kind of stories? Have boys been spreading lies about you?" I was suddenly so angry I wished I had been in that car to tell Gary what I thought about him and his slimy friends.

Raven took a few deep breaths and then began. "When I was younger and I lived with my mother, I swore I would never be like her, Brooke. Every time she brought another man into our home, I hated her more, not for what she was doing to me as much as what she was doing to herself. I never could understand why she was like that.

"Afterward, when I came here and started to go to school, I hated that we were all thought of as being 'Those orphans, those foster care girls,' like we were so inferior. Then, I saw how boys were attracted to me and how easy it was to feel like someone when I walked down those corridors looking a little sexier than most girls. Sure, I guess I tease a lot, but I felt good, almost powerful sometimes. I wasn't just one of those 'orphans.' Maybe my mother did what she did so she wouldn't feel like nothing. I know it doesn't make sense to you, but maybe she was trying to be noticed, too, and she just got caught up in it all, the drinking, the drugs . . .

"That's not going to happen to me, Brooke, but I'm not ashamed of having boys look at me and want me. I guess I don't hate my mother as much. I've changed a little, but we all change, don't we, Brooke?"

"This place makes you change," I said, unable to hide my bitterness. "I don't really blame you for flaunting yourself, Raven, but just remember it's dangerous."

"I know. Gary said that a lot of the boys I've gone out with said we'd gone all the way. That's not

true, I swear. That's going to always be the big difference between me and my mother, Brooke. I really have to care for a man before I'll be that way with him. Those creeps make things up. It's so . . . frustrating. I want to be liked, but I don't want the bad reputation."

"That doesn't matter, Raven. You know who you are. People who care about us, people who really matter, will understand," I said.

"Will they? We're orphans, Brooke. We don't have anyone to defend us. Who we are doesn't matter as much as who people think we are.

"It's all like a curse, some curse we can't quite throw off," she muttered. "And we did nothing to deserve it," she whispered and turned her back to me.

As I drifted off to sleep, I wondered if she was right. I sincerely hoped not.

Butterfly had no word about the Lockharts all the next week. Finally, one morning at breakfast, Louise stopped by our table to tell Butterfly that the Lockharts wouldn't be able to take her.

"They're not ready for children yet," she said. "But don't you worry, darlin'. Someday soon, some nice couple is going to come by and scoop you up. All of you," she added, looking at Crystal, Raven and me,

"We won't hold our breath, Louise," I said. "That's not a good attitude, Brooke. Be positive," she lectured.

"Oh, I'm positive," I said. Raven swung her gaze back to me and smiled.

Louise pulled herself up and marched to another table to instruct someone how to use his silverware properly. Butterfly looked like she was wilting. Her head went down and she toyed with her food, pushing her eggs from one side of the plate to the other.

We all looked at each other and then Crystal went to work.

"Don't be sad about it, Butterfly," she said. "If they don't want you, they weren't going to be good parents for you anyway. You don't want to be with the wrong people again, do you?"

Butterfly looked up and shook her head, her eyes glazed with tears. It was as though all four of us had been rejected once again.

"When the right people come along, you'll know. There'll be a sort of chemistry between you, a good feeling. It will be like you had known them all your life," Crystal continued. She was going to make a great doctor, I thought She knew just how to make someone feel better.

"They liked me," Butterfly said, "and I liked them, too. They were nice."

"If they changed their mind, they weren't good for you," I chimed in. "You heard what Crystal said. She's right."

We didn't want to tell her how Louise had sabotaged her chances, Without hope, she could become even more withdrawn than she was. I knew that much because I felt that way myself.

"Besides," I said, winking at Raven, "I have another idea I'm going to bring up soon."

"Don't," Crystal warned.

"Don't worry. I won't talk about it until I have a good plan."