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Silence was suddenly louder than thunder. "Ain't that the truth?" Crystal muttered. "Ain't it though?" I said.

We drove on.

13 The Jig Is Up

After we had left Theresa James, I felt as if we were just drifting along, floating through space, aimlessly carried by the power of the station wagon's engine. Our destination had become so vague, our purpose lost and confused. I felt it wouldn't be much longer before Crystal's prediction came to be. We would give up, turn ourselves in, throw ourselves back on the mercy of that impersonal government agency that had served so long as our surrogate parents.

Reality had a way of making me numb. Theresa talked about old people, widows and widowers becoming invisible. In a strange way I believed that was exactly what had been happening and continued to happen to us. Without family to support us, we were truly invisible. We might as well have been assigned numbers. You never realize how big a role family plays in ordinary conversation until you had none. Around us our fellow students talked about their parents, their brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles and cousins. There was always someone who did something, looked like someone, said something brilliant or stupid.

The thing that interested my school friends the most was how much I knew or remembered about my real parents. I knew absolutely nothing about my father, which most seemed to accept or understand. There were a number of students whose parents had been divorced, and many who had little contact with their fathers. What intrigued them more were my vague references to the woman I called my mother.

Having lived with her for only a little more than a year, I had nothing I could specifically mention. I had my dreams and I had some details I picked up from administrators at the orphanage. I had learned that she was not quite twenty when she had me. She didn't come from a wealthy family and from what I could gather, was actually on her own at the time I was born. Maybe she had been disowned because of me. I don't know why I came to a conclusion about her whereabouts, but I believed there were hints or things said that led me to believe she had left for California herself.

In my secret putaway heart, I really hoped and prayed I could find her there. Of course, I knew how big the state was and how many people lived in it, and I knew how small my chances were, but nevertheless that was my dream. I couldn't tell Crystal or Raven or even Butterfly, despite their being my sisters. It was like being naked, exposed, taking off your armor. How could the bravest girl they knew be such a weak, sentimental fool?

"What's the matter?" Raven suddenly asked me. We had been driving for nearly two hours, the radio droning on and the rain going from showers to downpours to showers and drizzle. The clouds on the horizon looked charred, like burnt marshmallows. Occasionally, the wind whipped the rain into sheets that flashed and wiped across the highway. We had to travel slowly.

"Why?" I asked, turning to her.

She twisted a bit in her seat, throwing a look at Crystal.

"You're crying," she said. "There are tears on

your cheeks."

I touched my face and felt the warm liquid

drops. It surprised me more than it surprised Raven. I

wiped my eyes quickly.

"I don't know. Something must have gotten into

my eyes," I said.

"Both of them?"

"Yes, both of them," I snapped back at her. She spun around as if I had slapped her and stared out the

window.

"We should splurge tonight and sleep in warm

beds," I said, trying to make up for snapping at Raven.

"With a television set and a hot shower. Then we'll all

feel a lot better."

"If we do that, we'll have little left for food, not

enough even for another day," Crystal commented. "I don't care. I'll worry about food then. I'll go

out and beg," Raven chimed in.

"Beg?" Crystal said. "Would you really stoop

that low?"