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“True.” She chuckled. I imagined she was shaking her head, too. “I’ll see you on Saturday, Tony.”

“Yeah.” I closed my eyes. I’d warned Jaime they had to tell me if we were moving too fast. Maybe I should’ve heeded that advice for myself first. Dread filled my gut. “Wait.”

“What’s wrong?”

Erika didn’t hesitate.

I breathed out. Maybe having an inner circle of people who actually gave a damn had its advantages.

My whole life, I hadn’t had a lot of equals to talk things through.

When I’d lived at my parents, it was their friends, their friends’ kids, and my brother. They weren’tsafe. It wasn’t because I was bi or gay or whatever. I was a late bloomer in that regard—I was a late bloomer in many regards outside of academic fields. The love in that place had been conditional to the image we’d portrayed. It was a gilded cage, a prison of their own doing. One where all who were in the prison made sure everyone abided by the rules.

When I’d started working at the university? It was another cage. This one wasn’t so focused on keeping up appearances, but it wasn’t much better. Everyone watched everyone with a hawk eye. Everyone talked about others behind their backs, waiting for them to fall, for the opportunity to get invited to the next fancy conference or be considered for tenure.

I was respected within the walls of the university, just as I’d been respected within the walls of my family home. But by then, I’d already learned respect meant nothing.

Then I’d met Erika and Mónica in a forum about BDSM, and they’d roped me into founding Plumas. I’d gotten into BDSM back before it was acceptable to. The thing about a house that was a gilded cage? The controls were enforced outward. Internet restrictions—or anything else that happened behind closed doors—were of no concern to my parents.

I’d wondered about my interest in kink, in the way I played and the deference I demanded. I should run away from that facade of respect like I did in every other area.

It felt different when it came from a sub’s mouth. The respect didn’t come with asphyxiating ties. It didn’t come with expectations I hadn’t agreed to, and it wasn’t a means to an unknown end or a tool to manipulate.

It was freeing, but I’d never known what to do with that respect outside of the very well-defined limits of a scene. I’d never known how to use it with people who weren’t subs, and I’d never had an interest in complicating my dynamic with them. The more layers added, the messier things became. More gaps for feelings and motives to seep through—motives that might take me back to square one, to the asphyxiation I’d run away from.

These were musings that had kept me up at night more than once. I’d never thought I’d share them with someone else.

Dumping all my shit onto someone’s shoulders was a new experience.

I wasn’t a fan, but maybe I could be. Down the line.

“We all have our shit with control, and limits, and power,” Erika said after a beat of silence. “It’s about what we do with it, and what we turn it into.”

“Right.”

It was part of the spiel she gave newbies at the club. I’d listened to it a few times.

“Start taking advantage of the community you’re still a part of, Tony.”

She ended the call before I could utter a word.

I stared at the screen until it died down. Talking took more of a toll than I’d expected.

FIFTEEN

jaime

“This is going to be more of a demo than a proper workshop,” Tony said from the tiny stage the club used for this kind of thing. I squirmed. He’d run me through everything when we’d arrived to set up about an hour ago, but sue me, I was still anxious. I had no idea what had gotten into me when I’d accepted to do this, really. It was so far out of my comfort zone, I might as well be on another continent. “I’ll still answer questions and explain things as I go, but Jaime agreeing to be my spankee today brings us more didactical opportunities. I’ve never spanked them before, or watched them be spanked, which means I don’t know anything about their pain tolerance, limits, or the things they need before, during, or after.”

Ev—full name Everest—raised his hand. He was one of the newer additions to the club. Me and Sergio hung out with him sometimes. Danny, too, when the guy didn’t ditch us to be play-raped by one of his men.

I narrowed my eyes. Ev knew I was anxious about this because I’d met up with him, Sergio, and Kara yesterday. I didn’t usually go to their weekly milkshake dates—because money, and milkshakes didn’t appeal that much—but I’d needed to talk withsomeone who wasn’t just interested in teasing me about my taste in men.

Cece wasn’t even here. She’d said it would be both weird and boring, and that wasn’t a combination she was interested in. I’d rolled my eyes at her, then. Any other day, I would’ve asked her to come anyway for moral support, but I didn’t know what was up with her yet, so it didn’t feel right to make demands.

But it meant I felt even more exposed now. More raw.

Sergio and Ev were here. Danny and León and their new guy, Carlos, too. Erika and Eli sat on the floor, first row, right at the center. Kara and her Domme, Mónica, were the only ones in our group missing, but that made sense. Impact play was a hard limit for Kara.