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He doesn’t see it. How even now, I’d ruin myself to be what he needs.
“You don’t know what you’re asking for.” His eyes narrow on mine. Cold, dark, isolated… as if to say, this is what you asked for.
I nod to his unspoken question but he holds back, like it’ll end him if he gives it. He can’t do it. I fist my hands in his hair and pull hard. “Fuck.Me.”
Something flashes in his and it’s like a goddamn switch is flipped with him. He fucks me in short, hard thrusts. He’s giving me what I want. He fucks me mercilessly and I’m very much aware his demons still hold him hostage. It’s like he’s purging his soul, but the deepest parts of him he keeps hidden are beautiful. He’s extraordinary like this, unhinged with fury as desire and destruction morph into one need.
I can’t breathe, but I swallow again and again, desperate for air. We’re frantic, his pace unrelenting and exactly what I need. He gives it to me, his storm cloud eyes on mine as he moves in and out of me. With each thrust, something inside him breaks apart and his face collapses.
He lowers his chest to mine. “I love you,” he whispers, his words strained, coming out like breathless panting, his heart pounding so hard I think he’s going to lose himself completely any minute.
“Don’t stop,” I beg, my words holding more meaning than him fucking me.
Don’t stop fucking me, loving me, needing me.
His jaw tightens, the emotion on his face unreadable again. He drops his mouth to my shoulder and I lace my hands in his hair, gripping stronger. He uses his free hand to lift up on the hay bale, gaining a better angle and going deeper inside me. His lips close around my skin and then his teeth sink in, and I know I’m done.
He grabs my right leg behind my knee and drives deeper. Harder. And he doesn’t stop, even when I’m practically screaming in pain. But he’s not hurting me. It’s the kind of pain that feels good and makes you want more of it. The kind that entices adrenaline and becomes something you crave because it gives you an outlet.
“You wanted this side,” he reminds me, his voice rough and wavering. He squeezes his eyes shut and slams into me again and again. He holds nothing back. It’s then I begin to worry about him. He reminds me of that night in his truck. Prom. Only now, there’s frustration behind every movement he makes. Like it’s not enough for him.
“Oh God,” I moan, grabbing onto his wrist.
His breathing turns ragged and uneven. “Where do you want me to come?”
“Inside me,” I whisper, my words pushed out with a breath as he slams inside me, pain hitting deep in my stomach.
His thrusts quicken. “Hmm?”
“Come inside me.” My voice is firmer, a demand.
I begin to shudder beneath him, and I don’t know who falls first, or if it happens at the same time. What I remember is the pained groan that falls from his lips when he jerks forward and his movements stop. It’s like he’s been waiting six years for that release.
“Do you forgive me?” he pants as he’s coming inside me, barely able to catch his breath, but he’s searching my eyes, looking for love he thinks disappeared when he left.
I smile, laughing against his mouth, refusing to allow any space to come between us. “I don’t know. I might need round two to decide.”
“I’m not twenty anymore,” he says, smiling, his cock still twitching inside me as he tries to catch his breath. “But give me a minute and I’ll try again.”
47
WHEN I WITNESSED HIS DESTRUCTION
“Ineed to go check on Eddie,” I tell him, sliding my panties back up. Reality is setting in and while the sex was amazing, I’ve forgotten about my daughter in a storm. She’s terrified of lightning.
Ender nods, his eyes on his buckle. He zips his pants, rights his shirt, tucking it in, and then buckles the leather and nickel together. He’s not looking at me and I’m curious what he’s thinking.
Does he want to meet her officially? Does he want both of us? Is he mad I pushed him so much?
I stand near the doors and try to smooth out the wrinkles in my dress, trying to ignore the fact that my panties are now wet. Should have thought twice before I let him come inside me.
Ah, hell, it was worth it.
After fixing his tie, Ender steps toward me, his hand brushing mine in passing. He leans into the side of the barn and draws in a careful breath, his hair falling into his eyes. He swallows and clears his throat. “Can I meet her?”
My heart pounds in my chest again. My throat tight with emotions. Tears burn. I nod. “I’d like that, but I think it’s best we wait until morning. It’s late.”
“Right.” He nods and drops his shoulders forward and lowers his voice. “I understand.”