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There’s so much agony in Ender’s face that I hate myself for bringing it up. It’s years of pain he’s tried hard to bury deep down, and like I said, it’s still there, bubbling under the surface. He closes his eyes, his shoulders stiff, his face unreadable. He’s still really good at shutting down his emotions and playing the poker face.
“Tell me what you want, Hads. Do you want me to walk away?” he asks, reaching out and cupping my face. Bending down, in a true Ender style of going for it, he lowers his lips to mine, pressing lightly, warm and soft. I also know what he’s doing here. He’s using me to cover up the pain he can’t bear to open up. At least not right now. And maybe it’s stupid of me to do this, but I let him. I want his pain. I want mine. I want an outlet for it. My reaction is anything but gentle. And then neither is his. He inhales loudly, my breath in my lungs exhaling just as harshly. With my lips inches from his, I lock my arms around his neck and slide off the edge of the hay bale and onto his lap.
I touch his cheek. “The way I feel about you hasn’t changed. It never will.”
He draws back, his breathing heavy. “I want you, baby. Now. A week from now. A year from now. Whenever you’re ready. What I want is never going to change. It’s you. Always has been. Always will be.”
I take in a ragged breath. There’s that baby again. Another crack of thunder rings through the barn, the wind howling through the cracks in the boards. There’s a storm raging outside but all I see is the man before me. Desperate to fix what he broke.
And then comes the next words. Ones I never ever thought I’d hear.
“I love you,” he whispers, closing his eyes and kissing me softly.
The weight of the words settle over me, sinking way down deep, and a sudden pang of regret hits me. I love him and I know what my heart wants. I know he’s worth it. I’ve always known. But is that enough?
He kisses me once more but then whispers, “If you want me to walk away and leave you guys alone, then say it,” at the same time as he grabs hold of me, stands, turns and sits on the hay bale so I’m straddling him. He circles his arms around my waist and holds tighter, as if he’s not letting go.
A familiar ache stirs inside me. I can’t answer him. But I sink into his embrace and rock my hips into his. Part of me is curious what the man underneath me has to offer. A little romp in the barn with a storm outside, that’s okay, right?
“Tell me what to do,” he begs, his hands on the tops of my shoulder and securing me against him. And then I feel it, his erection digging into the exact place I’m craving him.
A soft moan escapes me and I rock into him, nothing but the thin fabric of my panties and the softness of his slacks separating us.
A trembled breath leaves Ender and his eyes darken with need, his hand trailing up my back to fist in my hair again. “Tell me what to do,” he says desperately, as if he’s the last time he’s going to say it.
“Fuck me until I forgive you.”
46
WHEN I GAVE IN
Asmirk lifts his beautiful lips, and my heart kicks up another notch. “You want me to fuck you?” He stares at me like he can’t believe I said that. He’s straining between us. I’m sitting on his arousal so I know he wants it. But he’s afraid.
I nod. “That’s what I said. Fuck me until I forgive you.”
Wasting no time, he takes a firm grip on my waist. I know it’s wrong. It is. But have you ever done something you knew was wrong but felt so good? Is it so wrong I’ve spent years missing the father of my child and want him?
No, I don’t think it is. It’s a natural reaction between the two of us. If we want to use sex to rid the pain, what’s wrong with that?Everything, but whatever. I’m not listening to you on this one. He’s too goddamn sexy with his flushed cheeks, parted lips, and panting. Yep, so sexy.
“There’s hasn’t been anyone else, right?” Ender slips his hands under my dress to hook his thumbs under the edges and pulls the cotton down. I told him my answer earlier but maybe he didn’t hear it in the midst of us fighting.
“Nope. Only you. I tried to fuck Carter.” I shrug one shoulder. His mouth parts as if he’s about to say something. “But… we didn’t.”
“When?” He glares at me, and I don’t think he’s mad, but part of him is.
“When Eddie was seven months old. I ran into him at a college party.” I stand up and slip my panties off and onto the floor. Ender’s working on his belt, his eyes on mine. “Have you?”
His brow furrows. “Have I what?”
“Since me… have you been with anyone?”
Please say no.
“I…” He pauses as he gets his zipper undone and swallows. His sad eyes find mine and there’s a certain amount of embarrassment in them. “Not in a long time. There wasn’t anything to it. No feelings,” he assures me.
My heart sinks at the confirmation, but I shouldn’t have expected anything else.
I straddle him again, keeping my boots on. “I want you to fuck me until I forgive you,” I repeat.