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“Why’d you write it?” he asks, his mouth at my ear as he keeps me to his chest. His heart pounds against mine and I’m not sure whose is beating faster.
“Because it was the only way for me to move on.” I stare at his face, trying desperately to shut down and not care about anything he’s about to say to me. “It was in the book. Last chapter.”
His head tilts, a wince to his features as his hand on my waist takes a handful of my dress, bunching it together at the small of my back like he did the night of his baseball game. “There’s a few things you got wrong,” Ender whispers, his lips grazing my ear.
“Like what?”
He pulls back and gives me his eyes. They’re hurting. Regretful. “You thought me leaving was something you did. It wasn’t,” he finally says, our bodies swaying slightly to the music, but not enough that we’re actually dancing. He scans the space between us as if he’s looking to see who’s around.
“Ender—” He silences me with one look, knowing I was going to tell him to forget it. I don’t want to talk to him about it.
Before I can say anything else, Eddie wraps herself onto my legs. “Mama!”
Ender’s entire posture and expression changes. Our eyes lock and it’s confirmed for him. He blows out a quick breath as he looks down at her. I see the roll of his throat as he swallows and his chest rise with another breath. He breaks our hold, steps back and regards his daughter up close. His body reacts and it’s like the time in his truck, prom, when I was sure at any moment he was going to have a panic attack.
I bend down and pick Eddie up. He’s eye level with her now, searching her eyes that match his. She’s upset and frowns at me, holding on to her hat.Hishat. “I not want to dance and they makes me,” Eddie whines, resting her head on my shoulder.
“What’s her name?” he asks, his words shaking as he stares at the hat, and then her face.
Eddie’s staring at him as if maybe she knows him.
I lift my hand and tuck stands of dark brown hair that mirrors his behind her ears, but she speaks for me with the words, “My name’s Eddie Rose James….”
Her reply completely breaks him. He doesn’t try to cover the emotion in his eyes. The tears surface again. With deep breathes, he runs his hand through his hair, blowing out unsteady breaths.
My mom is quick to come over and takes Eddie from me. “I’m gonna take her to bed,” she whispers to me.
I nod, kiss Eddie’s cheek and while she cries, Ender’s eyes never leave her. When she’s out of sight, I close my eyes and wait for whatever he’s about to say to me that will hurt.
“Hads,” he says under his breath. “She has my hat.”
“Myles gave it to her for her birthday.” I pull him closer, swaying to the music again. He holds tighter and so do I. Everyone’s watching and I don’t want to make a scene here. Especially not with Kamila watching us. “We can talk later.”
He wraps his arms around me, holding tighter than before. He lifts a hand from my waist to my cheek, brushing away the tears falling. Yep. I’m crying. Stupid girl emotions. “She’s beautiful,” he says, his words full of pain as he pinches his brow together and his chin shakes.
“Why, Ender?” I whisper into his chest, resting my forehead on his shoulder. “Why did you leave and pretend I meant nothing to you? You’ve missed so much with her.”
His hand falls away to my waist again and his arms tighten around me, and we’re both silent, but I can tell by the tension in his body he’s afraid to admit it. “I was an idiot.” I hear the absolute torment in his voice. “I… thought I was doing what was right for you.”
I stare at his eyes and the redness to them. There’s no guard up with him this time. There’s no wall. He’s allowing me to see him this time. He’s broken, and even after six years, there’s wounds inside him that might never heal. Ones he got long before I came into his life. “You did what you needed to do,” I finish.
His fingers curl under my chin and he forces me to look at him. “It wasn’t like that, Hads.”
I nod, my voice hitches with emotion. “I know.”
“Do you?”
My heart jumps. “I know you messed around with my sisters. If that’s what you’re referring to.”
Ugh, it feels awful just saying that.
“That’s not everything,” he says, regret thick as the glossy eyes return. “You don’t know everything.”
“What then?” We stop swaying and my heart tries to jump out of my chest. The nauseous feeling returns.
“Did Walker tell you?”
I’m scared to move. In fact, I stop swaying to the music. “Tell me what?”