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“I didn’twantto remember. And I didn’t know what to say to you.” His voice cracks this time, his hands fidgeting with his tie as he pulls it looser. “I’m an asshole. Think about what I did to you. I didn’t want to remember being that much of a douche.”
“It wasn’t all bad. There was some good in there, too,” I tease, drawing some amusement in my tone.
“I took your virginity on a dock. Didn’t even get to a fuckin’ bed.” He stares at me like I’m crazy for insinuating anything that happened between us was good. “How fucked up is that? And I didn’t even use a goddamn condom.”
“Oh, right.” I laugh, not knowing what else to do. “There was that, but hey, you gotta lose it at some time.”
He shakes his head. “Not like that you shouldn’t have.”
“Why on the dock? If it wasn’t about the bet with me, why then?”
“I was a fucking idiot, Hads. I saw you down there, and you were willing, so I did it. If you remember, it was the first place I met you. It wasn’t what I had planned for, but I never could stop when it came to you.”
“But you did all the other times.”
He shrugs. “It wasn’t easy.”
“Did you ever think about us not using a condom? Did it ever cross your mind I could have gotten pregnant? Well, did.”
“I thought about it, but I guess, I don’t know.” He sighs, running his hand through his hair. “I think part of me even knew, but I thought staying away would be better for you. What could I provide a child? I have a fucked-up understanding of how a father acts.”
“And that’s not your fault. But that’s part of it. I don’t know who you are, Ender,” I admit finally. “You never let me.”
He leans forward and his hands find my face. “You knew the real me,” he assures me. “Youdid.”
“Ender, no, I don’t. I don’t know all the things Theo—”
“I did love you.” He cuts me off any time his dad’s mentioned, and while I know why, it’s frustrating. “I know I never said it, but I did. I tried to say it so many times.”
“So leaving was easier.”
“You think it was easy to leave?” His gaze heats, lashes flickering. “You don’t think it would have been worse if I had stayed and your dad told you?” The heartache in his face knocks me sideways. “That night I had every intention of telling you I loved you and giving you what you deserved—an honest relationship. I was ready. All in. I would have gone anywhere you wanted, college even. I didn’t fuckin’ care as long as I was with you. But I couldn’t have him tell you that same night. It would have been worse that way, wouldn’t it?”
“I don’t know, Ender, and I suppose we never will,” I mumble, trying to stay strong.
“I sat at the end of the road for three hours trying to convince myself to come back and tell you, but I couldn’t do it. All I kept thinking about was seeing your face, the devastation I knew was coming, and I couldn’t make myself go back. And it wasn’t all about you. There were other reasons why I left.”
I nod and think about that night and the devastation I felt having him leave without warning. Would I have listened to his side of the story back then? I don’t know. I honestly do not know. “What else?”
He sniffs, his posture rigid again. “When I was kid, I told myself when Myles was strong enough, when Arya was on her own and I didn’t need to be there anymore, I’d leave. And then you came into my life and it wasn’t all about me anymore. I was torn in wanting to let you love me, but also knowing I wasn’t good enough. I couldn’t give you what you needed because of him. He broke me long before I knew what he was doing.”
Theo. He left because of Theo. “Your dad?”
Ender’s jaw clenches as he nods.
“What was the fight about with your dad that night?”
He shrugs. “I don’t even remember. Every time that man speaks the words drown out. I don’t hear him. But I made him promise me if I left, he would never touch Myles, Arya, or you. I told him if I ever found out he did, I’d come back and kill him myself.”
I stare at his face, trying to process everything he’s told me, but I don’t think it’s sinking in. But I’m curious. “When you saw me in the driveway… you hesitated and then said something to Walker.”
He nods but the pain is so raw it sends a stab through my chest. “I warned him that if he ever touched you, he’d answer to me. That was enough for him. And then I almost walked back to get you. I was going to take you with me. But… I saw your face, and Arya… and I couldn’t do that to her. She would have hated me for taking you, and I know she hates me for leaving, but if I would have taken you with me, she might not have moved away. I didn’t want her not to go to college because I knew that was her chance to get away from Theo. So I let you go. It was better for everyone if I wasn’t there.”
“Ender…” I sob, resting my forehead on his shoulder. I cry for him, for me, Arya, Myles… even Eddie. She’s young enough she won’t remember not having him around. But I still hurt for her. I lift my head and meet his eyes. “It wasn’t better. What Theo did to you….”
His arms wrap around my waist and pulls me closer, shaking his head. “Don’t,” he warns, not wanting me to pry and no amount of armor can hide the devastation in his eyes. It’s prominent and though he’s spent years trying to avoid it, that shit isn’t going away.
“No,” I refuse, pushing back as he tries to cover up what needs to be said. “Don’t do that. Don’t push this aside. He hurt you, Ender. He abused you as a child. He’s the reason you don’t know how to love.”