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Amber casts me a surprised look, which turns to speculation. But then she scowls. All around us the soldiers are falling to their knees. Thanouq, as well. Asshole.

Amber’s scowl deepens. “Yup, that’s what I saw. Great. Just great.”

She raises an eyebrow to me. I raise both of mine back. If she thinks I will bow down before her, she’s sadly mistaken. But in that moment, I realize something; my mind has cleared. For the first time since I was incarcerated—maybe much longer than that, maybe from when Khendril abandoned me—I know exactly what I want.

Amber.

“I won’t bow to you, ever,” I say as I stare into her eyes. “But I will kill for you. And I will die for you.” I wave a hand encompassing Thanouq and Hecate. “They want you because they think you will help them save the world. I don’t give a fuck about the world. It can burn. All I care about is you.”

“Wow,” she says.

Chapter 34

Just How Bad am I?

Ihurl the contents of my stomach down the toilet.

Ugh.

I stay on my knees for a couple of minutes until I’m sure that nothing else is coming up. Then I drag myself to my feet. There’s no mirror in the bathroom—I don’t think mirrors are high on Thanouq’s priority list—a fact I’m very grateful for. I don’t want to look at myself right now. I don’t want to see what I’ve become.

I scrub at the tears on my face. I haven’t been able to stop crying since I finally managed to lose everyone and get some alone time. But I’m going to have to go out there soon and face them all, so I have to pull myself together. Badass Amber needsto walk out of this bathroom. Not wimpy, can’t-stop-crying, Amber.

But I killed all those people.

At the thought, I throw up again. Except there’s nothing left in my stomach. I close my eyes, and I hear the screams. Smell the burning flesh. My God, I sent that woman up in flames. I burned her alive. I’ve become the very thing I was so terrified of.

I’m a nasty piece of work.

Swallowing the urge to vomit again, I take a deep breath, then splash my face with cold water.

Except, I did what I had to do. To save my friends, the people I love. But there’s more than that. I’d like to think that I just acted on instinct, that my actions weren’t premeditated but that wouldn’t be true.

I wonder if Zayne knows how close to home he was with his comments. It’s weird though. I would have thought he’d be more comfortable with killing the bad guys than that. Obviously he’s got more of a conscience than I gave him credit for.

Yes, I killed all those people. Yes, I could probably have left some alive. But once they’d seen what had become of their friends, I couldn’t take the risk.

Did I have to kill them?

I’d thought so at the time.

Clearly Zayne didn’t agree with me. And obviously, I’m not entirely convinced either. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be feeling this overwhelming sense of… I don’t even know what to call it. Maybe guilt. Maybe regret. Maybe mind-numbing terror. I’m a killer. And it was so easy. And it felt…good. Okay, there’s the real reason I’m hiding here, throwing up. That feeling of power. I close my eyes and relive it; it’s indescribable.

More ugh.

Time to go out there and face the world. But if anyone else gets down on their knees to me, I will scream.

I’d ridden back. Someone had handed me a horse, and I’d mounted and ridden off without waiting for anyone else. Khaosti had shifted and it was Fury who had stayed by my side all the way back. No one else had tried to engage with me. They likely saw something in my expression that warned them to stay away and give me some space.

I suspect that’s not going to last now that we’re back safely at headquarters. I prepare myself to face the fray. But when I open the door, the only person out there is Khaosti. He’s leaning against the wall, arms folded across his broad chest, half-closed eyes trained on the bathroom door. Waiting for me.

I peer down the hallway

“I told them all to piss off,” he says. “That you needed some time alone.”

I sigh. I think I might be in love. My mind flickers back to Selene’s comment about bonded mates. I’m not even sure what that means, or even if she was referring to Khaos? And if she was, I don’t know how I feel about that, and I’m not ready to cross-examine myself yet.

As for being in love—I’m not telling him that. Not until he kisses me again and a whole lot more. He has to pay for my declarations of love with physical evidence of his devotion. So I purse my lips. “And yet here you are,” I say.