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My tail snakes across the table and upends the plate onto the floor. He was finished with most of it anyway. Only two pieces of ham fell to the floor.

His lips draw back from his growing teeth, and I tap him on the forehead with the tip of my tail, “Bad dog. Keep it down.”

A brave brownie scurries out of one of the lower cabinets in the kitchen to clean up the mess. I watch her impassively.

Where do they go when they hide in the cabinets? I’ve tried to scare them by opening the doors, but they disappear. Maybe I’ll finally break down and just follow one.

A choking sound interrupts my thoughts, and I glance around to find the source.

My tail is wrapped around King’s neck, squeezing. Oops.

“Bad tail,” I don’t withdraw it.

“Bees will be pissed if you kill him,” Ben quietly growls. Much better. But if the dog drags out a vacuum while my sugartits is trying to sleep, I will beat him to death with it. It will take a while, but I’m down for it. Let’s see him reassemble in a vacuum cleaner bag. He has a good point, though.

My tail drops from King’s neck abruptly at his words. I don’t want her to be angry with me. Her fear is agonizing enough.

“What do I do?” I ask the dog.

What husband hasn’t asked their dog for advice during marital problems? My solution of rubbing up on her or yowling until she forgives me doesn't seem feasible when she can’t even look at me.

“Do?” He asks in surprise. I imagine this is the same face any pet would make when they don’t understand English. He should let me put cat ears on him. It would add effect to that head tilt. Maybe floppy bunny ears. I’llpick some up while I’m out. Have I figured out why I’m going out yet?

“She won’t look at me,” I’m not whining, you’re whining. Shut up.

“You’ve killed her five times. She relives it every night,” his eyes do their voodoo thing, and my stomach tries to crawl into my lungs. You don’t belong there, settle down. “I’m not sure how you expect to fix that.”

“Wooing, you say? How do you woo?” I ask. Don’t judge me. I’m new to this. It’s never too late to bring a spark back into your marriage. You just have to put effort into it, right? I still don’t know if she likes nachos. That’s something any husband would know about their wifey. Could I be… a lousy husband?

No.Just no.

It doesn’t matter what reality I’m in. I am anexcellenthubby!

Sure, I’ve made a few mistakes, but nothing flowers and candy won’t fix. Nachos with peppers. Grilled cheese? The heads of her enemies. No, tail, stop it!

It uncoils from around King’s neck again, and the spines retract. The damned thing has a mind of its own, I swear.

“I don’t think you can woo your way out of it,” King supplies in the most irritating supervillain unhelpful voice. It’s good that I’m mad at him because I can pay even less attention to him now than ever.

“Someone’s never been in a meaningful partnership before,” I deadpan flatly.

Mal rolls his eyes towards me incredulously. He’s so adorable when he’s indignant. I pull out my phone to snap a picture to laugh about later. You know when my laugh comes back from where it’s hiding. Does this reality not include laughter? I’m so screwed if it’s true.

“Can you laugh here?” I ask the doggo, drawing him away from contemplating King and Mal.

Everyone stares at me briefly before turning back to face one another.

Is that a no?

So… screwed.

Not evil.

I know, voice in my head! I get it! My wifey isn’t evil in this reality! We should be happy, happy,happyabout it! Give me my fucking laugh back!

I’m starting to get ragey. I need something to take my mind off the lack of funnies in my life. Surely, there’s someone out there I can kill. But not just anyone… let me think, let me think.

“I’m going to release you both,” Ben says, tilting his head the other way.