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“You make it sound like a relationship.”

“It kind of is,” Ben replies with a sad smile.

“And you’reokaywith me having this connection to him?” Have I been wrong? Is Ben not interested, and I’ve been an idiot? Again?

“Of course, I am,” he insists earnestly. “He’s willing to have this with you, and you’re open on your side, so you’re willing to have it with him. Why would I try to stop that?”

Because, like a fool, I thought you would want that with me.

I also have a connection tohim, but it isn’t active like Mitri’s. Does that mean I’m not open, or is he not open? He’s the person that I want. I look away from him and stare at Mal. His eyes meet mine, and he gives me a level-three scowl and shakes his head.

Sorry, buddy, I’m not fluent in Mal body language. Does not compute.

This is a mess. I have no idea how to clean it up without cracking open mygag, feelings, and I’m not ready for that bullshit.

You know what I should do? Totally focus on something else.

“You need to eat,” I shake my head and crawl out of his lap. The bags of food are at Mitri’s feet, and I reach in for a burrito to hand to him. Ben takes it without comment, and I ask Mitri, “Do you think Mal wants one?”

Mitri stares at my shut down face for a second, then takes three out of the bag and opens his door to meet with Mal.

I take advantage of the opportunity and get out of the car myself. Walking a short distance away, I sit on the grass by a tree not far from the vehicle. No one joins me.

“So you fell. What do you do next?” The Old Man’s voice floats from my memory.

I stare up at him from the ground, gritting my teeth to hold back my whimper of pain. He doesn’t getthat from me. He doesn’t deserve to hear me suffer. I silently watch as he huffs out an irritated breath.

“You get up,” he barks and begins pacing in front of me.

I stay still and wait for the pain to start. He’s angry with me, for what I’m not sure. It doesn’t matter anyway. No matter what I do or say, I’m wrong and waiting to be punished.

“So,get up!” He yells at me and continues pacing.

I don’t move and remain silent.

He stops in front of me and crouches down. I brace myself, waiting.

“No one will ever help you up if you fall. You have to do it yourself,” he grits with a snarl.

That’s true. No one has ever helped me before this man if you can even call this help. I know he won’t help me to stand. He may leave me sitting here and return to the small apartment he now lives in. If I want food, I have to get up. If I want shelter, I have to go with him. It has to be my choice.

The memory washes away, and my eyes sting with tears for the past and the present. The Old Man wasn’t a bad guy, just harsh. He taught me to take care of myself. He’d be disappointed with me now, and that guts me.

I don’t have time to waste on connecting with people. You can’t trust them, none of them. That continues to be proven today. Maybe it’s me I shouldn’t trust. I keep making the same mistakes over and over. Only I can stop that trend, no one else.

I look back and watch as Ben eats alone in his car. Mal is snarling at Mitri’s blank face as he stares at me with narrowed eyes, and Kimi is upside down, eating and watching Ben.

I already said I would help them. And honestly, I need their help to find all the missing people. I won’t let them suffer because I’m a moody bitch. I just need to suck it up a little longer, and then… my eyes drift back to Kimi and his never-ending antics.

Then, I face my past and see if I’m worthy of keeping my heart this time. Do I even care, though? I won’t become someone else, no matter if it would help or hinder someone else's thinking.

I may have fallen, but I can always get back up.

I focus back on my spark and watch it rolling around in confusion. I guess it can’t understand why all the paths are muffled. It’s agitated.

“Consent is a thing you know. Help me muffle the rest of this so we don’t get hurt more than we already are.”

It bounces a little and reluctantly erects a barrier of fire around itself. The three connections are still there, but I feel alone in my head again. Good enough for now.