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“Two steps ahead,” I mutter it out loud. “You always have to be two steps ahead, don’t you. Trying to dig up all my skeletons. To see if I’m amonsterstill?”

I turn my head to see him over my shoulder. Everyone is standing frozen at the table like I paused time somehow. Only Kimi is still sitting with that stupid blank expression. His head is still tilted to the side as he studies me. I meet Mitri’s eyes and ignore the fire inside them. Oh, look, it has emotions now. How cute.

“Is that it? Were you going to shoot me in the head? Pro tip, that doesn’t work. Do you need a list of the shit I come back from? It’s right here,” I hold the heavy file up in one hand, watching it shake as if I’m in the middle of an earthquake for a second. Guess I’m not okay.

“You know what? It doesn’t even matter. You want to know if I’m a monster? The answer isyes. I would have told you that if you’d asked. Do I deserve to live? Not one bit. Butnone of youget to kill me until I’m done. Do you understand me? I’m going to find those people, and I’m going to pray to whoever will listen that they aren’t in a place likethis. Guess you betterread upso you can invent some new ideas about killing me.”

I’m shouting at him, my face burning with rage and pain, but my eyes are dry. I’m all cried out right now. Maybe the ocean I shed in the Bowels emptied me out.

I thought my memories had returned to me in the nightmare realm Ben was hiding in. Boy, was I wrong.Now I have a convenient diary to check in with to dredge it all back up in technicolor.

I throw the folder at him, but I’m shaking so hard that I miss and hit Kimi squarely in the face. The file bounces off and plops down on the table in front of him, open like he just looked up from reading it to pay attention to me. He isn’t even shocked. He just rolls with it.

“We’ll work on your aim, wifey. It’s ok,” he says in a deadened tone.

I start screaming and laughing and throwing folders at Mitri, finally hitting him in the chest and face. I don’t stop until the red folder comes into sight, clenched in my fingers.

My insane noises stop. No, I’m keeping this one. He doesn’t get this one from me.

I open it, and there are a lot of pages with pictures taped to them and handwritten notes. The Old Man’s writing.

He stalked them, hunted them down, and killed them. Some doctors and nurses I know, others I’ve never seen before. Many of them died during the escape, and it’s noted on the side of each picture in his careful block letters. He hated writing in cursive.

There’s a giant red X over the images of the dead ones with notes on how he planned to kill them. Going through their days like normal, then bam, faulty brakes in the car. Or a lab explosion during a late-night experiment at the Professor’s day job at the college. When did he have time for all of this?

Fishing trips. His damnfishing trips! He always left me alone to go on them! My dumb ass never noticed he didn’t bring back any fish. Kimi is going to love that. Guess he had no clue how alike they are… were.

The Old Man didn’t hate me. Fuck, that hurts more than anything else. All the bickering and back talk.And now all I want to do is look him in the eyes and say your service, I love you, please don’t leave me alone.

I turn the page and freeze. My eyes roll back, and bile rises up in an unstoppable tide.

“You’re just not old enough toreallyplay with yet. A few more years, and I’ll be back for you. Don’t cry.”

I can hear his voice as if he was standing at my ear again, and my body convulses with a shiver. The difference in my age then and now brings those words home to me in an all-new light.

I make it to one of the bathrooms just in time to lose everything I’ve eaten. Even when there’s nothing left, I continue to heave uncontrollably. It won’t stop. The strain finally brings tears to my eyes, burning down my cheeks.

I try to catch my breath and hang my head when it's done. I can hear Ben baying somewhere out there and the sound of wood breaking, Mal’s roar, the slam of a door, and glass breaking.

It’s ok. Ben can take care of himself. He takes care of everything. I don’t have to go out there and break it up or heal people. I can just stay right here.

After I flush the toilet. Brush my teeth. Stupid mundane shit like that.

I rememberhimespecially. He was always grinning while they tortured me. Like it was the best day ever. He’s the reason I stopped speaking. He was always listening because even when he wasn’t there, he could tell if you talked about him. He liked it when you spoke about him.

The thing is, there was no red X. I saw him torn to pieces right in front of me.

All of the other scientists that were there that day had Xs. He should have one, too. Knowing he wasn't outthere was the only reason I ever got to sleep at night. Isawit. So, why wasn’t there afucking red X?

I crawl to the sink after I flush the toilet. There isn’t a toothbrush or anything in this bathroom. I guess I just violated someone else’s sleeping spot. Oops.

I make do rinsing my mouth out several times, gargling. Anything to make me feel clean in any way I can. I feel like I just crawled out of the Bowels again.

I’ll go to Ben’s bathroom for my toothbrush in a minute. I’m too tired to go right now.

The silence around me is broken by sobbing, and I frown. I touch my cheeks, but there’s nothing there after I rinsed my face off and dried it with my shirt.

I look around the doorframe and see Mike huddled in the corner, bawling his eyes out. He meets my gaze and lets out a helpless sound.