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I take another breath and let his angry words bounce off of me. “I’m not leaving you alone.” My voice doesn’t come out as strong as I intended.
“If you know what’s good for you, you will,” he threatens.
I take a few steps forward to meet him and stop less than a foot away. He tries to back up, but he’s blocked by the wall.
“You won’t hurt me.” I call him out on his empty threat.
“You don’t know that, I’ve done it before.”
“Not purposely. You wouldn’t be able to live with yourself if you did, I know that.”
“You don’t know anything!” he yells.
“Talk to me,” I calmly say. My heart is in my mouth as I watch him close his eyes and open them again.
“I don’t have anything to say to you, I don’t want you.” His voice is labored.
“Yes, you do.”
“No, Tessa, I don’t. I don’t want shit to do with you. He can have you.”
“I don’t want him.” I try not to let his harsh words penetrate me.
“You obviously do.”
“No, I only want you.”
“Bullshit!” He slams his open palm against the wall. It startles me, but I stay still. “Get out, Tess.”
“No, Hardin.”
“Don’t you have anything better to do? Go find Zed. Go fuck him, for all I fucking care—I’ll do the same, believe me, Tessa. I will leave here and fuck every girl I lay eyes on.”
Tears spring to my eyes, but he doesn’t pay any mind. “You’re saying these things out of anger, you don’t mean them.”
His eyes search the room for something, anything, left to break. He hasn’t left much unscathed. Luckily, the things that have been demolished are mostly mine. The poster board I brought home for Landon’s biology assignment . . . the suitcase full of books has been dumped out and my novels are scattered across the carpet. Some of my clothes have been pulled from the dresser, and the chair, of course, has been knocked to the floor and broken.
“I don’t want to look at you . . . go,” he says gruffly, but softer than before.
“I’m sorry for kissing him, Hardin. I know it hurts you, and for that I’m sorry.” I look up at him.
Silently he studies my face. I jump slightly when his thumb wipes away the tears staining my cheeks.
“Don’t be afraid,” he whispers.
“I’m not,” I say in an equally hushed tone.
“I don’t know if I can get past this.” He breathes heavily.
My knees nearly buckle at the thought. I don’t think there has ever been a time since we declared our love for each other that I’ve had to consider Hardin being the one to end things over an infidelity. My kiss with the stranger on New Year’s was nothing like this; he was pissed off and I knew he would let me have it, but deep down I knew he wouldn’t hold on to it for too long. This time, though, it was with Zed, whom he had had a rocky friendship with because of me; they’ve been in several fights, and I know it drives Hardin insane for me to even speak to Zed.
I don’t think getting back into a full-blown relationship with Hardin is a good idea at this moment, but our problems have shifted from uncertainty over the future to this. Unwanted tears spill from my unfaithful eyes, and his frown deepens.
“Don’t cry,” he coaxes, his fingers expanding and resting against my cheek.
“I’m sorry,” I breathe; a single tear falls onto my lips, and I lick it away. “Do you love me still?” I have to ask.
I know he does, but I’m desperate and needy for the words.
“Of course I do, I always will.” He comforts me in a soothing voice.
It’s a strangely beautiful sound, really: the way his exasperated breathing is heavy and loud but his voice is calm and soft, like an image of angry waves crashing against the shore with no sound.
“When will you know what you want to do?” I ask him, afraid of the answer.
He sighs and presses his forehead against mine as his breathing begins to slightly slow down. “I don’t know; it’s not like I can be without you.”
“I can’t either,” I whisper to him. “Be without you.”
“We can’t seem to get our shit together, can we?”
“No, not at all.” I almost smile at our calm exchange of words after his tantrum only minutes ago.
“We can try?” I offer, and I attempt to lean into him, nervously waiting for him to stop me.
“Come here.” His fingers press into the skin on my arms, and he brings me to his chest.
It feels heavenly, like visiting home after being away for so long, and the scent of him as I bury my face into his T-shirt calms my heart.
“You won’t go near him again,” he says into my hair.
“I know.” I agree without thinking.
“This doesn’t mean I’m over it, I just miss you.”
“I know,” I repeat, nuzzling further into him. His heartbeat is solid and rapid against my ear.
“You can’t go around kissing people every time you’re angry. It’s fucked up and I won’t have it. You would lose your shit if I did that.”
I lift my head from Hardin’s chest to look at his hostile face. My fingers unwrap from around the thin material of his T-shirt and I thread them through his soft curls.
His gaze is harsh, but the way his lips are parting slowly lets me know he won’t stop me when I tug at his hair to bring his face down to mine. If it weren’t for his height, this would be much easier. Hardin sighs into the kiss; tightening his grip around my waist, his fingers move to my hips and back around me again.