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“That’s not true, and I happen to know that you’re exactly what she wants.”
The cup shakes in my hand and I nearly drop it. “I know you’re only trying to help, but, please . . . just stop, Mum.”
“So what, then? You’re just going to let her go and move on?”
I set the cup down on the side table before answering. I sigh. “No, I couldn’t move on if I wanted to, but she has to. I have to let her move on before I do any more damage.”
I have to let her end up like Natalie. Happy . . . happy after everything I did to her. Happy with someone like Elijah.
“Fine, Hardin. I don’t know what else to say to convince you to step up and apologize,” she snaps.
“Just go. Please,” I beg.
“I will. But only because I have faith in you that you’ll do the right thing and fight for her.”
The small cup and platter are thrown against the wall and shattered into small pieces as soon as she closes the door behind her.
Chapter eighty-three
TESSA
After we have lunch at a little nondescript strip mall, we head back toward Zed’s place. As we pass the campus, I finally have the courage to ask him the question I’ve always wanted to ask.
“Zed, what do you think would’ve happened if you had won?”
He’s clearly caught by surprise, but he recovers after looking at his hands for a minute. “I don’t know. I’ve thought about that a lot.”
“You have?” I look at him, and his caramel eyes meet mine.
“Of course I have.”
“What did you come up with?” I tuck my hair behind my ear, waiting for his answer.
“Well . . . I know I would’ve told you about it before I let it get that far. I always wanted to tell you. Every time I saw the two of you together, I wanted you to know.” He gulps. “You have to know that.”
“I do know it,” I barely whisper, and he continues.
“I like to think that you could’ve forgiven me since I would have told you before anything happened, and we’d have gone out on dates, proper dates. Like the movies or something, and we would have had fun. You would have smiled and laughed, and I wouldn’t have taken advantage of you. And I like to think that you’d eventually have fallen for me, the way you did for him, and when it was right we would have . . . and I wouldn’t have told anyone. I wouldn’t have given anyone a single detail about it. Hell, I wouldn’t have even hung around any of them anymore because I’d have wanted to spend every second with you, making you giggle the way you do when you think something is really funny . . . it’s different from your regular laugh. That’s how I know when I’m really entertaining you or you’re faking it to be polite.” He smiles, and my heart begins to race.
“And I would have appreciated you and not lied to you. I wouldn’t have mocked you behind your back or called you names. I wouldn’t have cared about my reputation and . . . and . . . I think we could have been happy. You could have been happy, all the time, not just sometimes. I’d like to think—”
I cut him off by grabbing the collar of his jacket and bringing my lips to his.
Chapter eighty-four
TESSA
Zed’s hand immediately moves to my cheek, causing the skin on the back of my neck to rise, and he pulls my arm to bring me to him. I hit my knee on the steering wheel as I climb across and mentally curse at myself for nearly ruining the moment, but he doesn’t seem to notice and wraps his arms around my back, bringing me flush against his chest. My arms latch around his neck, and our mouths move in sync.
His mouth is foreign to me; it’s not like Hardin’s. His tongue doesn’t move the same, it doesn’t trace mine, and he doesn’t trap my bottom lip between his teeth.
Stop it, Tessa. You need this, you need to stop thinking about Hardin. He’s surely in bed with some random girl, Molly even. Oh God, if he’s with Molly . . .
You could have been happy all the time, not just sometimes, Zed just said.
I know he’s right—I would have been much better off with him. I deserve this. I deserve to be happy. I’ve suffered enough and dealt with enough of Hardin’s bullshit, and he hasn’t even tried to talk to me about it. Only a weak person would run back to someone who has trampled on them repeatedly. I can’t be that weak, I have to be strong and move on. Or try at least.
I feel better right now, in this moment, than I’ve felt in the last nine days. Nine days doesn’t sound like a long time until you spend it counting every single second of misery waiting for something that doesn’t come. With Zed’s arms around me, I can finally breathe. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Zed has always been so kind to me and he’s always been there. I wish he had been the one I fell for instead of Hardin.
“God, Tessa . . .” Zed moans and I tug at his hair.
I kiss him harder.
“Wait . . .” he says into my mouth, and I pull away slowly. “What is this?” He looks into my eyes.
“I . . . I don’t know?” My voice is shaky and I’m out of breath.
“Me, either . . .”
“I’m sorry . . . I’m just emotional, and I’ve been going through a lot, and what you said to me just now made me . . . I don’t know, I shouldn’t have done that.” I look away from him and climb off of his lap, getting back into the driver’s seat.
“It’s nothing to be sorry for . . . I just don’t want to get the wrong idea, you know? I just want to know what this means to you,” he tells me.