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“Well, you don’t act like it! You kissed another fucking guy! Then you bring Zed to my fucking house!”
My heart lurches at the mention of Zed’s name. Hardin humiliated him. “I know . . . I’m sorry.” I fight the urge to call him out for being a hypocrite. Yes, I know what I did was wrong, so wrong—but I have forgiven him for hurting me repeatedly.
“You know how fucking crazy, how absolutely fucking mad it makes me to see you with anyone else, and you go and do this shit!” The veins in his neck are turning a deep purple, and he’s beginning to resemble a monster.
“I said I’m sorry, Hardin.” I speak as softly and slowly as I can manage. “What more can I say? I wasn’t thinking clearly.”
He tugs at his hair. “Sorry doesn’t erase the image from my mind. It’s all I can see.”
I walk toward him and stand directly in front of him. He reeks of whiskey. “Then look at me, look at me.” I put my hands on his face, directing his gaze.
“You kissed him, you kissed someone else.” His voice is much lower than it was seconds ago.
“I know I did, and I’m so sorry, Hardin. I wasn’t thinking. You know how irrational I can be.”
“That’s not an excuse.”
“I know, baby, I know.” I’m hoping those words will soften him.
“It hurts,” he says, though his bloodshot eyes have lost their edge. “I knew better than to have a girlfriend, not that I ever wanted one, but this is what happens when people date . . . or get married. This type of shit is why I need to be alone. I don’t want to go through this.” He pulls away from me.
My chest aches because he sounds like a child, a lonely, sad child. I can’t help but picture Hardin as a child, hiding away as his parents fight over his father’s alcohol abuse. “Hardin, please forgive me. It won’t happen again, I will never do anything like this again.”
“It doesn’t matter, Tess, one of us will. That’s what people do when they love each other. They hurt each other, then break up or get divorced. I don’t want that for us, for you.”
I step closer to him. “That won’t happen with us. We’re different.”
He shakes his head lightly. “It happens with everyone; look at our parents.”
“Our parents just married the wrong people, that’s all. Look at Karen and your dad.” I’m relieved that he’s being much calmer now.
“They’ll get divorced, too.”
“No, Hardin. I don’t think they will.”
“I do. Marriage is such a fucked-up concept: ‘Hey, I sort of like you, so let’s move in together and sign some paperwork promising to never leave each other, even though we won’t stick to it anyway.’ Why would anyone do that willingly? Why would you want to be tied down to one person forever?”
I’m not mentally prepared to process what he’s just said to me. He doesn’t see a future with me? He’s only saying this because he’s drunk. Right?
“Do you really want me to go? Is that what you want, to end this now?” I ask, looking straight into his eyes. He doesn’t answer me. “Hardin?”
“No . . . fuck . . . no, Tessa. I love you. I love you so fucking much, but you . . . what you did was so wrong. You took every single fear that I have and brought them to life in one action.” His eyes begin to water, and my chest begins to cave in.
“I know I did, I feel terrible for hurting you.”
He looks around the room, and I can see in his eyes that everything we’ve built here was him trying to prove himself to me. “You should be with someone like Noah,” he says.
“I don’t want to be with anyone except you.” I wipe my eyes.
“I’m afraid you will.”
“Afraid I’ll what? Leave you for Noah?”
“Not him exactly, but someone like him.”
“I won’t. Hardin, I love you. No one else, I love you. I love everything about you, please stop doubting yourself.” It hurts me to think that he feels this way.
“Can you honestly tell me that you didn’t start seeing me to piss off your mum?”
“What?” I say, but he just watches me and waits for an answer. “No, of course not. My mother has nothing to do with us. I fell in love with you because . . . well, because I didn’t have a choice. I couldn’t help it. I tried not to because of what my mother would think, but I never had a choice. I’ve always loved you, whether I wanted to or not.”
“Sure.”
“What can I do to make you see that?” After everything I’ve been through for him, how could he think me being with him is a way to rebel against my mother?
“Not kiss other guys, perhaps.”
“I know you’re insecure, but you should know that I love you. I have fought for you from day one, with my mother, Noah, everyone.”
But something I’ve said strikes him wrong. “?‘Insecure’? I’m not insecure. But I’m also not going to sit around and be played for a fucking fool.”
With his sudden turn back to anger, I’m starting to get angry myself. “You are worried about ‘being played’?” I know what I did was wrong, but he has done much worse to me. He really did treat me like a fool—and I forgave him.
“Don’t start that shit with me,” he growls.
“We’ve come such a long way, we’ve been through so much, Hardin. Don’t let one mistake take that from us.” I never thought I’d be the one begging for forgiveness.