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“Morning,” I repeat and pour a glass of water.
He continues to stare at me while I sip my water. “What?” I finally ask him.
“You . . . well . . . you look great,” he says.
“Thank you. I decided to shower and come back from the dead,” I joke, and he smiles slowly as if he’s unsure about my mental state. “Really, it’s fine,” I assure him, and he takes another bite of his bagel, finishing it.
I decide to put one in the toaster for myself and try not to notice Landon staring at me like I’m an animal in a zoo.
“I’m ready whenever you are,” I tell him after finishing my breakfast.
“Tessa, you look so gorgeous today!” Karen exclaims when she enters the kitchen.
“Thank you.” I smile at her.
Today’s the first day that I’ve taken the time to get ready, really ready and presentable. The last eight days I have gone far away from my usual neat appearance. Today I feel like myself. My new self. My “After Hardin” self. Day nine is my day.
“That dress is flattering.” Karen compliments me again.
The yellow dress that Trish got me for Christmas fits well and it’s very casual. I’m not going to make the same mistake as last time and attempt to wear heels to classes, so my Toms it is. Half of my hair is pinned back, with a few loose curls tapering over my face. My makeup is subtle, but I think it suits me well. My eyes burned slightly as I dragged the brown liner underneath my eye . . . makeup surely wasn’t on my list of priorities during my downward spiral.
“Thank you so much.” I smile again.
“Have a great day.” Karen smiles, clearly surprised but very pleased at my return to the real world.
This must be what it’s like to have a caring mother, someone to send you off to school with kind and encouraging words. Someone unlike my mother.
My mother . . . I have dodged all calls from her, and thankfully so. She was the last person I wanted to speak to, but now that I can breathe without wanting to rip my heart from my chest, I actually want to call her.
“Oh, Tessa, will you be riding with us to Christian’s house on Sunday?” Karen asks just as I reach the door.
“Sunday?”
“The dinner they’re having to celebrate their move to Seattle?” she tells me as if I should know this already. “Kimberly said she told you about it? If you don’t want to go, I know they’ll understand,” she assures me.
“No, no. I want to go. I’ll ride with you.” I smile. I am ready for this. I can be in public, in a social setting, without cracking. My subconscious is mute for the first time in nine days, and I thank her before following Landon outside.
The weather mirrors my mood, sunny and somewhat warm for the end of January. “Are you going on Sunday?” I ask him once we get in the car.
“No, I’m leaving tonight, remember?” he replies.
“What?”
He looks at me with a wrinkled brow. “I’m going to New York for the weekend. Dakota is moving into her apartment there. I told you a few days ago.”
“I’m so sorry, I should’ve paid more attention to you instead of making it all about me,” I tell him. I can’t believe how selfish I’ve been to not even pay attention to him telling me about Dakota’s move to New York.
“No, it’s okay. I only briefly mentioned it, anyway. I didn’t want to rub it in your face when you were . . . well, you know.”
“A zombie?” I finish for him.
“Yes, a very scary zombie,” he jokes, and I smile for the fifth time in nine days. It feels nice.
“When will you be back?” I ask Landon.
“Monday morning. I’ll miss Religion, but I’ll be there right after.”
“Wow, that’s exciting. New York will be incredible.” I would love to escape, to get out of here for a while.
“I was worried about going and leaving you here,” he tells me, and guilt fills me.
“Don’t be! You already do way too much for me; it’s time I do things for myself. I don’t want you to ever think about not doing something for yourself because of me. I’m so sorry that I made you feel that way,” I tell him.
“It’s not your fault, it’s his,” he reminds me, and I nod.
My headphones go back into my ears, and Landon smiles.
IN RELIGION, PROFESSOR SOTO chooses the subject of pain. For a moment I swear he’s done it on my behalf, to torture me, but when I begin to write about how pain can cause people to turn to or away from their faith and God, I’m thankful for this torture. My entry ends up being filled with thoughts about how pain can change you, how pain can make you much stronger, and in the end you don’t need faith as much. You need yourself. You need to be strong and not allow pain to push you or pull you into anything.
I end up going back to the coffeehouse before yoga to acquire more energy. On my way back to yoga I pass the environmental studies building and my mind goes to Zed. I wonder if he’s in there now. I assume he is, but I don’t have a clue about his schedule.
Before I can overthink it, I go inside. I have a little time before my class begins, and it’s less than a five-minute walk from here.
I look around the large lobby of the building. Just like I might have expected, large trees fill most of the massive space. Sticking to the theme, the ceiling is mostly skylights, giving the illusion that it’s almost nonexistent.
“Tessa?”
I turn, and indeed, there is Zed, wearing a lab coat and thick safety goggles on top of his head that push his hair back.