Page 4 of Yorkie to My Heart (Friends of Gaynor Beach Animal Rescue #6)

Phillip

“I’m okay.” I fidgeted with my hands on my lap. “Really.”

“I’m sure you are.”

My social worker Anthony’s tone was soft. Soothing. Almost like he was talking to a child. In some ways, he kind of was.

Stop it. You’re twenty-four fucking years old. You can stand up for yourself.

“I don’t need extra—” I scratched my nose. “—therapy.”

Anthony smiled.

He had gleaming white teeth. They contrasted with his tanned skin nicely. His long hair made him look sort of sexy and his trim beard reminded me of Jeremy’s. Although Jeremy had some gray in his, Anthony had none. I pegged the social worker to be somewhere between my neighbor and me in age.

But that was just a guess. I wasn’t great at guessing people’s ages.

Probably because you don’t interact with people much.

My inner voice had a point. I took a breath. “I’m okay.” I was pretty certain I’d said that about ten times since Anthony had arrived.

Each time I did, he appeared less convinced, with a little furrow appearing in his brow.

His smile continued, though. “You’ve been through a lot, Phillip. It’s okay to not be okay.”

“But I am.” And my protesting wasn’t getting me anywhere.

“Be that as it may—” He tapped his notepad. “—part of my agreeing to put you here, alone in this house, was with the understanding you’d get help. Now, you and I can do counseling, but I can’t do your prescription renewals. We need to set you up with a family doctor.”

“Okay.”

“And I’d like you to see Dr. Martin.”

“They’re a family doctor?” I didn’t want to try to gender Dr. Martin. What had Jeremy said about assumptions? Inside, the reminder made me smile.

“No, Dr. Xavier Martin is a psychiatrist at Gaynor Beach Memorial Hospital. He’s a great guy, Phillip.

Really empathetic. But tough. Both things I think you need right now.

Your psychiatrist in LA can continue your care over the phone for another few weeks, but she doesn’t want to treat you from such a distance. ”

Gaynor Beach was almost two hours from LA. And since I didn’t have a car and would’ve had to take a bus, I could almost double that length of time.

Each way.

Which made it impractical to continue to see her. She was great…but not worth staying in LA for, and she didn’t offer telehealth visits.

She’d also been the one to help me find Anthony—a social worker with a strong reputation for being able to help people. Such as those who might want to get out of LA.

I sighed. “It’s not that I’m not grateful…”

“I don’t need your gratitude, Phillip. I need you to stay healthy. You’re doing so well, and we need to make certain you stay on the right track and not…slip.”

Ah. So that’s what they’re calling a suicide attempt.

I was lucky. My landlady had found me in time.

Or not lucky. That totally depended on one’s perspective.

I’d apologized to her.

She’d accepted that apology. And also made it clear I couldn’t come back. Aside from the bad associations, I had also been three months late on rent. I’d been lucky she hadn’t just called the sheriff to evict me.

“I’m not going to slip.” I pointed to my pill bottles. “Every day. I take them every day. Jermain, the pharmacist, keeps me on track.”

Anthony’s smile didn’t waver. “That’s great. But it’s only been three days since you got here. I believe you can sustain this…but I also believe in putting as many people in our corner as we can. I think Dr. Martin is the best person to help.”

I blew out a long breath. “If I say no , do I get kicked out?”

He shook his head. “As long as you’re doing the work and staying healthy, you’re good to stay here. This is a place for you to get your feet back under you. There are no timelines.”

“Look, Anthony, I know you’re a nice guy.”

His head tilted.

“I haven’t had my feet under me since I was, I don’t know…five? Between my mom being sick—and then eventually dying—and the…bad situation I got myself into back in LA…” I winced. “I’ve not had a good run.”

“I know that.” That smile slipped a bit.

“Phillip, I’m not going to sugarcoat it—you’ve had a rough go for most of your life.

But you’ve kept going. Against incredible headwinds.

You’ve had a setback, but you can recover from this.

You are recovering from this,” he quickly amended.

“So why not do everything we can to ensure you have the best chance of success? Leaving LA was a brave thing to do. Starting over somewhere fresh is great—but it can also be daunting.”

“I’ve got Wally.” I scratched my dog’s ears.

He sat on the couch next to me. “I organized his adoption while I was still living in the shelter. That took planning.” And I was grateful to be out of the shelter.

I hadn’t needed it for protection from an abusive ex, like most of the residents.

I’d needed it in order to be under supervision while Anthony worked out the details of me coming here.

“Rescuing Wally was a great idea, Phillip. I was happy to sign off on the venture. But you agreed taking care of him means also taking care of yourself.” Anthony shifted, crossing his legs.

He looked too elegant to be sitting on a worn recliner.

He’d assured me that he’d visited plenty of clients here over the last few months.

That James would welcome me—which he had.

That I’d settle in—which I was trying to do.

“I…uh…” I wracked my brain. “I met a neighbor. While walking Wally in the park.”

“Oh, who?”

“Jeremy.” I tried for a smile. “He lives next door.”

“Oh, I know Jeremy. Great guy.” That megawatt smile was back.

For my cute neighbor, for delight in me proving I wasn’t a loner loser, or both?

I couldn’t tell. “Yeah. We, uh, walked together. Like, well, I was walking Wally. And he joined us.” I scratched Wally’s ears. “He talks. A lot.”

Anthony laughed. “I agree Jeremy can be very friendly. He’s a good guy. I didn’t realize he lived close.”

I pointed to the next house. “Right there.”

“Oh.” Anthony cocked his head. “You would think I’d know that. Heck, maybe I did.”

“You’re busy.”

“I am.” For just an instant, his face took a solemn expression. About his life? About his clients?

About me?

“I’m planning to come back five days from today—on Monday. You’ll be okay until then?”

I nodded.

“I’m on call this weekend, so if you need me, don’t hesitate to reach out. You’ve also got the list of emergency numbers to call?”

The ones that include the suicide hotline? I nodded again. “Yeah, I’ve got everything.”

“Great.” He finally rose. “Let’s get you scheduled with Dr. Martin.”

I wanted to argue. I didn’t want to start fresh with a new psychiatrist. Haven’t I done enough already? Except my shrink in LA had said she’d only write one more script. Since even I knew I wasn’t ready to go off the meds, I understood the direness of my situation. “Yeah. Okay.”

“Great. In fact, why don’t I make it right now? Do you want to get out your calendar?”

“Only to mark the date. I don’t have a single thing booked.” I might’ve mumbled that response.

“Yet.” Anthony smiled. “That will change. Didn’t you say something about Jordan the trainer coming over?”

“Uh, yeah.” I’d shared that right off the bat at our meeting—to prove I was interacting with people. Of course he’d remember.

He put the phone to his ear.

I sort of tuned it all out.

“Cancellation? Friday at nine am?” He met my gaze.

I nodded. Then I yanked my new phone from my back pocket of my jeans, opened the calendar app, and made a note. I set an alarm for eight that morning. Hopefully all those reminders would get me wherever I was going. Gaynor Beach was so small that I could walk just about anywhere.

Well, that might’ve been an exaggeration—although not much.

“That’s great. His name is Phillip Kaye. I’ll fax over a referral this afternoon with his previous provider’s contacts and a signed release. Thanks, Violet.” He hung up the phone and met my gaze.

In turn, I held up mine to indicate I had the appointment noted.

“Dr. Martin’s office is in the Gaynor Beach hospital. Will you be able to figure that out? It’s not too far…”

“I’ll figure it out.”

“I can arrange a ride or money for a cab?—”

“I’ll figure it out.” I might’ve said that with more force than was strictly necessary.

“Of course you will.” He cocked his head. “I have every faith in you, Phillip. But I’m here to make things easier for you. So you can succeed.”

“What does success even look like?”

Anthony started to sit again.

I waved him off. “A conversation I should have with Dr. Martin, right?”

“That’s a very sensible idea.”

“And you probably have to go.” Part of me wanted him to go, and the rest of me wanted him to stay. I really was lonely.

“Keep my number handy. Enjoy your time with Jordan tomorrow, and be as honest as you can with Dr. Martin.”

“Uh, sure.” I fidgeted.

He held my gaze. “I should probably tell you that Dr. Martin is Black.”

Oh Jesus . “I don’t care. Truly. Just because my mother was a white supremacist and I grew up with her, doesn’t mean I subscribe to her ideology. I don’t.” And yet you picked a boyfriend with the same tendencies. What does that say about you? Yeah, my inner voice could be an accurate bitch.

“I just wanted to let you know.”

“And if I wasn’t who I am, would you have told me?”

He considered. Or what I assumed was considering.

He let out a long breath. “No. Probably not. I don’t think in terms of race, but I know a bunch of people in the world still do, and I need to remind myself to be aware of that.

Gaynor Beach is mostly an open and welcoming community.

Full of love. But there are still a few people—bigoted, misogynistic, homophobic, and racist.”

“Being homophobic in a community so welcoming to queer people seems weird to me.” Hank would’ve hated it for that exact reason. He hated queer people. Although he’d lived with me for four years, he’d never seen himself as queer.

Anthony let out a little laugh. “Well, there is that.” He tucked his phone into his back pocket. “Are you going to be okay?”

“Yeah.” I let out a little laugh. “I’ve been saying that since you got here.”

“Sure.” He smiled. “Maybe text me after you see Dr. Martin?”

“Aren’t you going to talk to him?” I resisted the urge to narrow my eyes.

“Yes, I will do a debrief with him. But if nothing’s urgent, it might not happen until next week?”

“And if it’s urgent?”

He cocked his head. “Dr. Martin would contact me immediately, and either I or someone in the office would deal with it right away.”

“Deal with me?”

“Yes.” He continued to hold my gaze.

I waved my hand, almost as if I could swat away the notion. “I’m fine. I’m fine now, and I’ll be fine after I see Dr. Martin. I promise.” I couldn’t really make that promise—but that wouldn’t stop me from saying it anyway.

“Right.” His phone buzzed. He winced.

I gestured for him to take the call or look at the text or whatever he needed to do.

He yanked the phone from his back pocket and checked it. “Oh, uh…”

“Crap?” I offered that helpfully. “Or shit?” I would’ve offered up the f-word but he laughed.

“I don’t normally talk about my personal life, but my husband and I are known in the community—especially for our toddler twins.”

“Oh?” Okay, color me interested. Not really in kids per se…more of in a gay couple having them. I hadn’t seen any of that in my isolated world back in Oregon.

“They’re…they get into mischief. The daycare operator just texted me, and I won’t get into details, but I need to drop by to see what my daughter Alicia got into.” He rolled his eyes. “I adore her. Don’t get me wrong.”

“But…?”

He grinned. “Hell on wheels was an expression created for her.” He grabbed his messenger bag. “I’ll leave you. You’ve got everything you need?”

I rose and nodded.

Wally stirred, gave the situation a once-over, decided nothing interesting was happening, then went back to sleep.

I smiled.

So did Anthony.

We walked to the front door.

“Oh, you might want to check out the library. My husband is the head librarian. He can get you set up with a library card. You can then access a huge amount of digital material—e-books, magazines, and audiobooks. Plus lots of other stuff. You can’t take Wally to the library, unfortunately, but he’ll be okay if you leave him alone for a bit, right? ”

I was uncertain, but Arthur had said if I put Wally in his crate that he should be okay. What had he said? Crate trained? I cleared my throat. “Maybe I can drop by after I see Dr. Martin on Friday.” Because that’s what adults did, right? They planned things. Used logistics.

“That’s a great idea. Let me know how it goes.” He gave me a wave and headed to his SUV.

I closed the front door and leaned against it.

Peopling really exhausted me. Truly. I eyed the laptop on the coffee table. Then I grabbed Wally’s leash. “Time for a walk.”

He didn’t appear impressed, but he did eventually walk down the stairs I’d bought for him because he couldn’t jump on and off the couch.

“One day, boy. One day we’ll both be able to jump.”

I wasn’t certain I believed that, but at the very least we could walk.

The rest of my problems would still be here when I got back.