Page 38 of Where the Shadows Land (Garden of Hope #1)

ASTORIA

A week after Leri’s visit, Astoria stood outside the walls of the garden wrapped in a blanket to block out the chill of the dawn.

The first rays of spring peeked over the horizon, and with the new day came the anniversary of Damien’s death.

A second full rotation without him. Two years lost in the dark.

Two years of numbness and the acute ache that came from losing the person who was the other half of her soul.

The days melded together. and Inara was born without a breath shortly after.

On the second anniversary of the worst week of her life, a hollow ache burrowed into her chest. It strained against the parts of her that were still broken.

So much of her was still in pieces, shattered in uncountable fragments, but there was a glimmer of hope that the dawn before her promised.

Moving on seemed like too dismissive of a term for the path that revealed itself in front of her.

Damien and Inara would always be in her heart.

The love she had for them couldn’t die; it was eternal.

As long as her heart beat, they would have a home in the space between her ribs.

The future that stretched out before her with Mairuk and the Garden of Bostrai would be different, but she would live the life she had here in honor of their memory.

In the days since Mairuk explained more about the loktossi bond, the idea filled her with less dread.

It still lingered in the back of her mind, but given enough time, perhaps the fear would dissolve.

Mairuk had never hurt her, or taken more than she was willing to give them.

Astoria kept giving them more, letting them stretch their roots closer and closer into the hollow of her chest. It was hard not to when each touch of their large, gentle hands brought her such bliss.

The world under their influence was much brighter.

The sun was warmer on her skin and hope, the reckless beast that it was, soared in her heart.

She understood the language of the planet much easier under their guidance.

Her magic tingled under her skin, and accessing it was easier now than ever before.

Mairuk never dismissed her wonder, or her laughter.

It seemed to nourish them as much as it healed her.

Astoria still ached for what she lost. If both had lived, she would’ve started trying for their second baby after Inara’s first birthday.

The life she could’ve had took shape in her mind.

Damien’s warm brown eyes, healthy and full of life, stared down at her with their little girl in her arms. Inara’s dark hair and eyes matched his, but her features took the shape of Astoria’s.

Tiny fingers tangled up in Astoria’s hair and the sweetest sound of baby giggles filled the air when she coated her daughter’s perfect little face in kisses.

Their home was warm and full of light. The comforting smell of the forge clung to Damien’s clothes and soothed her after a long day.

In her daydream, his arms wrapped around her waist, warm and heavy.

His palm splayed over her stomach in a silent promise.

Damien’s lips brushed over hers, and the daydream faded as quickly as it came to her.

Blowing away in the early morning breeze like dust .

How lucky am I to have had a love so pure? Tears fell down her cheeks, and she closed her eyes, letting the grief pulse through her body. So many women married for security, or they settled. Her love with Damien was a rare, beautiful gift. She got to marry someone she loved, mind, body, and soul.

How blessed am I to have someone like Mairuk?

They understood her pain better than anyone else, and with them, she was not alone in her grief.

Mairuk held her when she cried and didn’t offer meaningless platitudes.

They tended to her with great care, pleasured her until her mind melted, and never belittled her for her ever-changing moods.

A strong, thick, textured arm wrapped around her waist and pulled Astoria tight against their body. The familiar feel of Mairuk’s bark-like skin brushed against her spine through the blanket and she hummed.

“We wondered where you scampered off to.” Mairuk’s audible voice caressed her ears with a soft tenderness that pulled goosebumps to the surface of her skin. “Are you willing to come with us for a moment? We have something to show you.”

Astoria turned from the rising sun to face Mairuk. Their soft expression and gentle stroke of their fingers over her middle soothed the tightness in her shoulders. “In a moment.”

She placed a hand over Mairuk’s and settled into their hold.

They remained silent, offering her their presence and soft touch.

Together, they watched the first dawn of spring rise and wake the frozen ground with warm rays.

A promise of growth wove itself into the pale blue, lavender, and golden rays of morning light.

“I’m ready now,” she said.

Mairuk planted a kiss on the top of her head, then they took her hand and led her back into the garden.

Past the tool shed, the garden beds, the well, and all the way through to the shoreline of the bay.

The turquoise water glittered with the brilliance of diamonds in the morning sun.

A few dozen feet from the water sat an elaborate setup of candles, crystals, bones, and shells on top of a low table.

The fragrant scent of burning herbs hit her nose as they approached.

Mairuk knelt in front of the table and Astoria followed suit. Her brow raised as she took in the array of objects before her. Something about them seemed holy, like they were part of a prayer or ritual of some kind, but she couldn’t decipher the meaning of the symbols etched into the sand.

“Among my kin, on the anniversary of a soul’s departure, it is customary to hold a ceremony of remembrance.

The sages say these rituals honor the souls of the departed and hold space for their memory.

We have not done this ritual ourselves, but we have attended many.

” Mairuk took her hand in theirs and squeezed.

“We would like to conduct this ritual for you, if you would accept it.”

“You did all of this for me?” Astoria asked with tears in her eyes.

She took in all the objects before her a second time.

The burning plants included lilies and spirit burs, both common at funerals.

One symbol looked somewhat similar to the ones carved into coffins.

The more she took in, the more Astoria realized how much research Mairuk must have done to gather enough information on human death rites.

Many of the objects before her were familiar, but others she couldn’t place.

It hit her then. They blended her rites with theirs and her heart squeezed tight in her chest.

“Yes. Your family deserves to be honored, Astoria. If we could safely return to your village, we would have taken you there to honor them where they rest.”

All the tears she tried to hold back fell down her cheeks. She wrapped herself around Mairuk’s bulky form and cried into the soft growths at their shoulder as they held her. When she pulled away, Mairuk cupped her face in their hands and wiped the tears from her cheek.

“Thank you,” Astoria whispered. She settled back on the ground beside them and clasped her hands in her lap, letting the blanket fall into a puddle around her hips. “What happens now? ”

“We will conduct the ritual. All you need to do is focus on your family. The rest is up to you. We will be here if you wish to talk about them,” Mairuk said.

Astoria nodded and closed her eyes. The waves of the bay lapped against the shoreline, the soft sound easing the tension in her shoulders.

A gentle breeze rolled through the canopy of the distant trees, then tangled her hair and chilled her skin.

She sat still and focused on her breath and her memories of her loved ones.

The vision of the life she should’ve had returned to her mind’s eye, and she clung to it like a prayer.

Mairuk’s soft, humming incantations were in a similar language to that of the trees.

It called to the magic that slept in Astoria’s blood.

The air vibrated against her skin with an awareness of something Other and familiar all at once, so similar to the gods she worshiped back home yet distinct.

The presence wrapped around her shoulders like a warm blanket and settled over the jagged edges of grief.

It clarified the picture in her mind and separated her from the image she conjured.

Damien held Inara, and they both smiled at her.

Distant and fuzzy, but present all the same.

The magic in the air solidified, beating in time with her heart. In her mind, Damien kissed her hand. There were no words exchanged, but that simple act translated a thousand emotions. Love. Hope. Release and promise.

Astoria opened her eyes, but she couldn’t see through her tears.

Mairuk held her against their chest as she cried.

These tears weren’t the heavy, soul-draining sobs of misery that Astoria was used to.

These tears were the release of everything Astoria buried.

With each choked sob, the pain she carried lessened.

It flowed out of her body and drifted off into the aether.

In its place, peace took root. It didn’t erase the grief, but it cushioned it with the promise of another chance to see those who held the missing parts of her soul.

“Tell us about Damien,” Mairuk said. “What is your favorite memory of him? ”

“Three days after our wedding, we left the Temple of Ermolie and started the journey to Gladeview. He never let go of my hand, and every ten minutes he addressed me as ‘my wife.’ Each time, it made me smile until my cheeks hurt. Our first night on the road, we danced with no music under the moonlight. It was the happiest night of my life. It hit me that we were married, and he was mine as much as I was his,” Astoria said.

“What a beautiful memory. Damien sounds like he was a good soul.” Mairuk rubbed soothing circles on her back, their voice low and soft in her ears.

“He was the best. Damien was so proud to call me his wife, and he looked at me as if I was the greatest gift. It didn’t matter if I was overwhelmed or in one of my moods.

He always soothed my soul and helped me find my calm.

He was my anchor, and without him I floated, lost and alone in the dark.

” Astoria glanced up at Mairuk, a soft smile on her face.

“You are the first thing since I lost him that’s given me any sense of place. ”

The silence stretched out between them. Mairuk’s slow, gentle rubs along her back froze.

They pulled away and held her chin between two of their fingers, bringing her eyes to meet theirs.

“You will always have a place with us, Astoria. You are a gift, and we are blessed to be the ones to care for you now.”

“Thank you for doing this, Mairuk.” Astoria curled back into Mairuk’s hold and slumped against their chest.

“You are welcome.” Their hand went back to running over her spine in slow, gentle movements.

The pair of them sat together in front of the altar, watching as the candles burned from bright flames to sputtering flickers in melted wax.

She shared more stories about Damien and the life she lived with him, each one taking another layer of weight off of her shoulders.

In the bright light of day, Astoria took a full breath and exhaled all the pain she carried.

She would always love Damien and she would always miss Inara, but maybe there was enough room in her heart to hold her monster, too.