Page 14 of Where the Shadows Land (Garden of Hope #1)

The song of the forest hummed a lively tune in her chest, growing louder with each passing heartbeat.

It drowned out the doubt, dampened her shame, and brought her back to the scent of fertile ground and soft dirt in her hands.

Astoria was here. Astoria was alive, and for the first time in two years, she felt like it, too.

“You stay here at our command. Ensuring you are well means you are useful to us,” Mairuk said after a long moment of silence. They turned to her, their pink glowing eyes soft, somehow. “If you desire death again, there are faster and less miserable ways. Inform us.”

“I wish I could tell you it won’t happen again, but lying is a sin.” Astoria pushed her fingers into the dirt and gnawed on her lower lip. “I’ve never gotten that close before, but it’s happened a few times.”

Mairuk tilted their head. The afternoon sun set the inky purple to lilac gradient of their cap alight with the brilliance of a rare gem. “Your Orsea is strong. Your body is capable. Yet you act as if you are ill.”

“I think I am, in some ways. My body is fine, but my mind? My heart? Before I got here, they kept me in my bed most days. There are months where I can’t remember much of anything.

Weeks when I didn’t leave my bed. I went a month without seeing the sun in the worst of it.

” Astoria took a fistful of soil and crumbled it in her hands.

Tears welled in her eyes, but didn’t fall.

“Sunlight is the best cure for illnesses of the heart and mind. For some creatures, the body too. Why hide from it?” Mairuk asked.

“I don’t deserve it,” Astoria whispered.

“My husband died almost two years ago, and our daughter was stillborn two weeks after. I couldn’t save my family, my child , because of my cowardice.

I don’t deserve the warmth of the sun when those I love the most lie frozen in the dirt.

It’s hard to see anything through the ashes of the life I was meant to have.

That is why I hide from the sun. I shouldn’t be alive to feel it at all. ”

When she spoke this truth to Blythe or any other in her village, they all jumped into reasons Astoria’s thoughts were lying to her.

They offered insight or gentle words, furrowed brows and wide eyes.

All insisting her feelings were not real.

They were, though. No matter how much Blythe tried to convince her otherwise.

It didn’t matter if Soleil’s light would welcome Astoria.

She still did not feel worthy of it. Astoria was never good at being pious.

She disappointed the gods often, through her Orsea and her weakness.

Soleil’s forgiveness was limited, and Astoria often danced along the edge of what the gods would accept repentance for.

Mairuk sat in silence beside her. They didn’t dismiss her feelings as false. They didn’t offer meaningless platitudes or empty apologies. Mairuk’s silence was a gift of recognition that none in her village ever gave her. When Mairuk responded, their voice was strained and low in her head.

“Your losses are ones we share. Our seedlings had not sprouted. It is a different thing than losing a child that you held, yet it aches all the same.”

Astoria’s heart clenched. No one else in her village faced the same loss.

All the others were pious, worshipful women.

Ermolie, the Mother of Man, kept their babies safe in their wombs.

Only Astoria faced loss. Only Astoria’s prayers went unanswered, no matter how many offerings she gave.

The simple fact that someone— anyone —recognized her pain and understood the depth of what she lost in the way she did was a balm on her spirit.

Astoria reached over and took Mairuk’s hand in hers.

Every bump and ridge of their skin released flickers of their magic, and hers hummed in her veins.

The same song of the forest flowed through them both.

“The weight of such a loss is something I wouldn’t wish on anyone. My heart grieves with yours.”

“You have no right to grieve with us!” Mairuk snarled and ripped their hand away.

They leaped to their feet and loomed over her, their voice loud and biting in her mind.

“It was your kin who killed them. Humans who set this garden ablaze and stole everything from us. Humans killed our children, our partner. It was humans who destroyed our garden and left us alone with restless ghosts. You have no right to ache for us when it was your kind who ruined us!”

Astoria snapped to her feet and pointed her finger into Mairuk’s chest. “It was yours who burned my village. The Ardeloks likely killed my friend and burned my home. Ardeloks who would have killed me had my magic not taken over. You are not one of those who harmed my people, Mairuk. I am not one of those who had anything to do with burning yours. If we both are going to live in this garden, we cannot hold the worst of our species against one another.”

Mairuk seethed, their chest rose and fell at a rapid pace.

Their three pink eyes glared down at Astoria’s finger on their chest. Their stare burned as it traced up her arm, and their face softened when they met hers.

Mairuk turned away and made a sound Astoria couldn’t make out.

Their fists clenched at their side, then released.

Surrounded by barren land, dust, and silence, the scene painted Mairuk’s desolation with the same vibrancy of their flesh.

For a brief moment, the land whispered about fire and rancid ash.

Distant, forgotten screams faded into the wind.

The deep gash on Mairuk’s cap marked them as the only witness and survivor of a forgotten tragedy.

Again, Astoria wondered how they survived.

“What you say is fair. Forgive our outburst,” Mairuk mumbled.

“As long as you are willing to forgive mine, too,” Astoria said.

Mairuk grunted and outstretched their arms, gesturing to the buildings and paths they built.

“We found purpose in living on behalf of those we lost. When the blood of the forest moves on from a place, the Spirit of Mieotsy retakes the land in a turn of the seasons, perhaps two. All returns to the Spirit of Mieotsy as if it never existed at all. We couldn’t allow our loved ones to be forgotten.

We live here, alone, to honor their memory since they cannot be born again. ”

“It is beautiful that you did all of this to honor them,” Astoria said. “It is honorable that you did not leave when it made sense to do so.”

“You can grow these beds in honor of your family. That could become your purpose, or you can find another task. Find something to do with your days. That is how we survived the darkest years.”

“I will tend the garden for now.” Astoria bowed her head in their direction. “Thank you for the advice.”

“We are much different from you and we disagree on many things, but grief is a language we are both well versed in. Tell us about your beloved and we will tell you about ours. They will live again, if only for a few moments.” Mairuk turned to face Astoria, all the tension gone from their body.

They sat on the edge of the garden bed, their head tilted.

“My husband, Damien, was not my first love, but he was my greatest. A blacksmith by trade, he came with a delivery of a custom weapon for one of my neighbors. I purchased a set of arrow tips from him and he asked me if I knew a place he could get dinner before he returned. I invited him to my family’s home.

The rest is history, as the saying goes.

” Astoria smiled at the memory of Damien’s bulky form, rough hands, and warm brown eyes.

“Our partner, Incandescent, left the garden of her birth and settled here. We ran the trade store that once stood there.” Mairuk pointed to the northeast. “We met her when she came to trade for goods she needed in her new home. It took us months to gather the courage to ask for her company for the day, and she berated us for making her wait so long.” Mairuk shook their head and a soft hum of laughter rumbled through their chest.

“I have always been particular about everything. Sensitive and nervous. Damien was a breath of fresh air. He helped soothe my fears and let me cry in his arms whenever I needed to. Damien was my safe place. He got me out of my head and encouraged me to live, play, and embrace the gifts of life. He was my light, and I don’t remember how to make my own in his absence. ”

“We understand. Incandescent was, as her name suggested. Bright, gleaming with life and excitement. We liked to focus on our work to a point of fault, and she forced us to live our life away from work. She gave us a reason to. She was our purpose, our reason for breathing. Without her and the offspring we planned so much for…”

“You became aimless. Lost in the gray of grief.”

Mairuk closed their eyes, and their shoulders slumped. “Yes.”

Astoria looked up at them and, for the first time since she arrived in the garden, she did not see a monster.

Instead, she saw someone who lost every thing, as she had.

They too lost the light of their life and the promise children offered.

Astoria saw someone strong enough to wake up with the sun each day and imbue the memory of their loved ones into what they rebuilt.

Mairuk stayed for those who could not and would never get a chance to return.

Mairuk was not a monster. They were a tenacious, strong, and beautiful soul who endured.

If anyone else saw them as monster or not, it didn’t matter to Astoria.

Mairuk felt as deeply as she did. They loved, grieved and survived the worst losses imaginable.

They healed her when it would have been easier to let her die.

In their healing, Mairuk granted her peace and the strength to try to live.

They offered Astoria the first true and helpful advice for getting through her grief.