Page 83 of When the Stars Rise

I shake my head, disputing that. “Nah. I’m here becausesheneedsme.”

“If you say so.” We run in silence for a while, but it doesn’t last long. “I mean, I can see both sides, you know? I get why she worries, but on the flip side, I get why you’d want to do what you do. Must be a rush, huh?”

“Like you wouldn’t believe. It’s like mainlining dopamine. Keeps you coming back for more.”

“Yeah. It’s like a drug. I couldn’t do it, though. I always like to think I could, but when I looked down from that bridge, I knew there was no way in hell I’d ever jump. Same with jumping out of a plane. I ain’t leaving my seat unless that plane is going down.”

Laughing, I slow to a walk as we cross the parking lot near the arena.

“But I envy guys like you who think nothing of it,” he muses.

“I envy guys who can play the drums,” I retort.

“Guess everyone’s got their thing.”

“It’s a gift.” I’m not musically gifted, but I admire people who are—Shiloh, Hayley, the guys in her band, and okay, even Dean.

They create something out of nothing, and to me, that’s pure fucking magic.

“We’re the lucky ones. We get to make a living doing what we love,” I say, looking at Hayley’s tour bus. “Still blows my mind how far Hayley’s come and how hard she’s worked to get to this place. Now she’s sitting on top of the world, exactly where she belongs.”

Following your passion and creating a life that’s beyond your wildest dreams is something I feel strongly about. “So many people are stuck in jobs they hate just to put food on the table and a roof over their heads. But us? We get to follow the motherfucking dream.”

“Hell yeah, we do, baby. Bring it in.” Aiden holds up his hand, and we high-five.

“This is why you have such a huge following,” Aiden says as I pull off my T-shirt and use it to wipe the sweat off my face. “People love watching you doing crazy shit, and they can live vicariously through you. But what you just said? That’s what sets you apart. The gratitude. The way you build up Hayley. That’s something special.”

“Huh. I thought everyone followed me because I look so good without a shirt.”

He snorts and shakes his head. “Catch you later, dude.”

When he’s gone, I lean against the side of the bus and guzzle the rest of my water before tipping my face to the sun.

It’s all blue skies and cotton candy clouds today.

How the fuck could you do that to us, Zeke?

We were a lot alike, both thrill seekers, and we’d made so many plans together. That’s the part I’ll never understand.

“Envision this,” Zeke said a few weeks before he died. “We fly to Rio, summit Corcovado, and climb onto Christ the Redeemer’s arms. So now we’re standing on top of the world with Rio de Janeiro at our feet. It’s all blue skies, and we have that iconic view of Sugarloaf Mountain and the bay. Jesus. I feel like I’m having a spiritual awakening just thinking about this shit.” He punched my arm, his enthusiasm contagious. “We need to do it, bro. We need to leap from the arms of Jesus. Let’s make it happen.”

Sometimes I’m so fucking angry that I want to put my fist through a wall. But most of the time, I just hope that he found peace.

I don’t think people take their own lives because they want to die. They do it because they want to stop the pain.

I’m not suicidal. I mean, sure, I’ve thought about it. A couple of years ago, just before I jumped out of the plane over Angel Falls, it ran through my head:What if I just cash it all in and make the jump of a lifetime?

But I think that’s normal. Everyone thinks about it once in a while.

At the time, I was a fucking mess after losing Zeke, and Hayley had just kicked my ass to the curb. But I didn’t want to die. It was just a passing thought, not an action plan that I would ever follow through on.

I had too much to live for, still do, and I just want to get on with living.

My gaze snaps to Hayley as she steps off the tour bus. “Hey. What are you doing?” she asks, coming to stand next to me.

She looks so fucking adorable in a cropped T-shirt, denim shorts, and high-tops that I can’t resist the urge to pull her into my arms and kiss her hard on the lips.

She pulls back with a laugh. “You’re all sweaty.”