Page 27 of When I Forgot Us (Blue River #1)

Chapter Fourteen

She’d barely seen Chase since Friday. Four days of working through memories and building her relationship with God so she had an anchor no matter what happened.

A few new memories had emerged from the quagmire of her mind. Most short snippets that fed her emotions more than anything else.

She remembered a meeting with her boss that happened last year. She’d asked for a vacation to come home and see Aunt Sarah. It had been denied. She was the bank executive but still not completely in control of her life.

Was anyone?

It had infuriated her at the time and remembering it last night had brought all that back to the surface. She’d paced and chewed on her thumbnail, worrying over the truth about her job.

Had she ever loved it? She thought so. Though the refusal had angered her, she’d stayed. Desperation or some other reason?

Tired of pacing and seeing the same four walls, she left her room for the sanctity of the B&B’s massive living area, complete with fireplace and stacks of puzzles and board games.

She headed to the window and dropped into the oversized armchair with the giant back that stuck up several inches over her head.

It had that look and feel of a vintage piece, but with the comfort of the modern century.

Except for the springs. A few of those poked in random places and kept her from sitting still for too long.

She turned her head left, then right, scanning the sidewalks and shops that ran in either direction. Color and sunshine lifted her spirits, and she propped her chin in her hand, her elbow braced on the chair’s wide arm.

Bits and pieces of memories continued to trickle in.

When they first started, she’d been tempted to run to Chase to tell him the good news but stopped.

The few times she’d seen him in passing, they’d both given polite nods and moved about their business.

He’d asked for time, and she needed that too.

The more she relaxed into the chair, the looser she felt, and the more flashes came to life. They came at her with snatches of feelings.

Joy on their graduation day, the few seconds she’d stood beside Chase, and they’d thrown their caps in the air.

Love when she sat with him in his truck and stared up at the midnight sky sprinkled with stars.

A riot of feelings when they rode side by side across the ranch, racing each other and laughing with the wind tearing through her hair.

It wasn’t her whole life, but it was enough to prove she’d been happy here.

Her life in the city had color and sensation, but little emotion, especially toward the end.

She remembered late nights of confusion and wondering what she was doing with her life.

And she remembered the freedom she’d felt when she first arrived in the city with all the noise and mayhem. She’d loved it then. Every sight had been a distraction and a wonder.

Her vision blurred, Blue River turning dull as a new memory tugged free.

Chase stood in front of her at the old, graffiti bench.

He looked worried, his face tight and hair wild like he’d been running his hand through it repeatedly.

And his eyes. They stretched wide and wild.

He searched her face and squeezed her hands.

“It’s a chance for us to finally have the life we’ve talked about. ”

Her stomach pitched and rolled harder than a ship in a storm-tossed sea. “Our life?”

“You and me.” He smiled, and it was enough to break her heart.

She took a step away from him, until she reached the end of his reach and their arms stretched taut between them. “What are you saying, Chase?”

He dropped to a knee, releasing one of her hands—her right one—and holding the other up while digging into his pocket. “Will you marry me?”

Her throat locked. She’d expected this at some point, but not here, not today, the day she planned to say goodbye. “Cha—” His name soured in her mouth. She tried again. “Chase.”

Expectation brimmed in his eyes. He inched the ring toward her finger. “We belong together. We love each other. We always have. I want to marry you, Michelle.”

“Please, stop.” How did she do it? How did she break his heart, and hers? “I asked you to come here because I need to talk to you.” She moved to the bench and sat, tugging his hand so he followed.

Darkness invaded the space between them, bringing fear and uncertainty to every word. She knew it was for the best. They were too young for marriage. He was her first love, her first boyfriend, first everything.

What if he was the first but he wasn’t meant to be her only? That doubt was what drove her to push the terrible words out into the void. “I’m leaving Blue River.”

His smile had already started to fade, and it fell completely at the harshness of her cold announcement. “Leaving?”

A nod was all she could manage for a few seconds as she battled the terrible loss ripping out her heart. She’d made up her mind. She wanted to see the world beyond Blue River. Her life here had always been predictable. Beautiful and charming, but utterly predictable.

The roar in her ears blotted out all the other sounds she found familiar in their spot. No singing birds or rustling trees. No hum of traffic in the distance or laughter from the park. Her breaking heart whooshed through every nerve.

“Why?” His lips moved around the word.

She recognized it, even if her ears stopped hearing. A quick headshake dislodged the uncomfortable feeling of being inside a barrel bobbing underwater. “I want to move to the city.”

“Since when?”

Since she saw her first play in middle school that had big skyscrapers in the background. Even then, she’d been fascinated with the idea of city life. Aunt Sarah didn’t scoff at her, but she listened to Michelle talk while wearing that thin smile that meant she might not approve.

Then she’d fallen in love with Chase. For a while, she’d considered staying.

Marrying him and living here would be interesting. For a while.

But worry nagged at the back of her mind. What if she resented him someday for keeping her from her dreams? It wasn’t a fair argument since she’d never even fully told him she wanted to leave. She’d harbored it close to her heart, keeping it a secret.

For what?

Because now she’d broken both their hearts. “It’s something I have to do.” Telling him she’d always wanted to leave made her sound like a liar. Or worse, like she’d never loved him at all. “I love you, Chase. I’ve never loved anyone this much, but I have to go.”

Aunt Sarah had admonished her once for saying she loved Chase more than anything, saying that she was supposed to love God above all. Michelle had scoffed at that.

As the memory wound down and she returned to her spot in Yvonne’s living room, her vision remained blurred.

Tears scorched her cheeks, and her shoulders shook with sobs.

Her whole body melted into the chair, slumping her over the arm with her face in her elbow.

She’d been young and na?ve, but not foolish.

Leaving had been good for them. Even at eighteen, she’d realized that her heart wasn’t ready to be fully committed to Chase and the life he wanted.

She’d yearned for more, and the resentment she’d feared well and truly could have torn them apart.

Moving and then losing her memory had not only brought her back home but back to God. She had a better relationship with Him now than she ever had, and it helped ease the broken pieces of her tattered heart into place.

The sliding door squeaked behind her.

Michelle yanked her head up from her arms and blinked her watery eyes. She sniffed and wiped her face. “Sorry.”

Yvonne waved away the apology. “I heard you crying.” Her tiny shrug was part wince, part sympathy. “Sorry if I’m intruding, but I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“Um.” The knot in her throat stopped her from the outright lie she’d been about to utter. She shook her head instead. “Th-hanks. I…I’d like to be alone.”

“You’re never alone.” Yvonne’s soft smile brought a rush of friendship.

“God is always right there. He’s got you, and he’s not afraid of tears.

He’s not afraid of anything. So, if you can’t talk to anyone else, you talk to him.

Shoot. Even when you can talk to someone else, He’s still there for you. ”

It was the truth she needed most. God never tired of her.

Yvonne gave her a one-armed hug around the shoulders. “There’s water, tea, and cookies in the kitchen. I’m heading across the street for groceries. Help yourself to whatever you need.”

Words continued to fail her, so she nodded and stood. Better to cry in the kitchen away from the front windows. She might scare off Yvonne’s next customers.

“I didn’t mean you had to move.” Yvonne hopped into place beside her.

“Water.” She patted her throat. The short but intense crying jag had left her throat dry and her face swollen. “Ice cream?” She craved the soothing comfort of her favorite pistachio.

“In the freezer. I picked up a gallon after your trip to the shop.” Her short bob fanned around her face when she pushed open the sliding door and guided Michelle through.

“You were so excited to learn your favorite that I thought it would be a fun surprise.” She wiggled her fingers in front of her face, making that ‘Ta-da’ motion that had become her signature. “Surprise.”

A snort of laughter took Michelle by surprise. She sank onto a stool and cupped her head in her palms. The throbbing ache intensified, another burst of memories dashing through too fast for her to catch.

She’d worry about them later. All that mattered in this exact moment was soothing the raw ache in her throat and figuring out what to do next.

An hour later, she’d eaten her ice cream, drank two full glasses of water, washed her face, and made the drive over to Aunt Sarah’s apartment complex. Her neighbors greeted Michelle with waves and grins, and she didn’t have the heart to keep her frown when they were so obviously delighted.