Page 49 of We May Be Fractured

Don’t Listen to Me

[Now playing ? Daylight—David Kushner]

Ever since I was a kid, I’ve felt like life’s personal punching bag. Punch after punch, I’ve taken them all.

How long can someone keep getting hit before they just…break?

I’m carrying around so much anger and hurt. Honestly, there are days I’m surprised I don’t just explode.

So, I went to my therapist. Told her I needed to get rid of all this pain inside.

She said, “If you want to control it, use it. Channel all that dark energy into something, like writing a diary.”

Writing a diary? Not my cup of tea. It’d just end up forgotten in some drawer.

So, here I am, doing this podcast instead. And I’ve gone and made it public. Thought I’d share a bit of my headache with you lot who’ve got nothing better to do than listen to me waffle on.

I’m hoping to spoil your day a bit, just like mine was when I found out some songs I thought were all about rainbows and sunshine are actually pretty bleak. I’ve got a whole list of them, but let’s start with “Mr. Brightside" by The Killers.

[ Closing ? Mr. Brightside—The Killers]

[ Now playing ? Podcast, Ep. 17—Human]

I’ve got a laundry list of problems. Mental, physical, legal, financial…you name it, I’ve probably got it.

But know what’s been messing with my head the most lately? A guy.

What can I say? I’m still human, right? Got those basic needs and all that. Thought I could sort myself out like always, or perhaps find some random bloke around.

But it’s not working.

Everything has changed since he came into the picture, or maybe I’m the one who’s changed.

Feels like I’ve lost the plot, both in my head and body. Like I’m in this weird, liminal space, and it’s left me all over the place.

I’ve never wanted someone so badly. I mean, sure, I’ve had my fair share of wanting, but this is different. Usually, it’s just about the sex, but this time…I don’t think a quick shag is going to get him out of my system.

For the first time in ages, I actually want to be touched.

But not by just anyone.

I want to be touched by him .

Didn’t see that one coming, did I?

[ Closing ? Never Saw It Coming—The Federal Empire]

[ Now playing ? Podcast, Ep. 22—Rigor Samsa]

I can’t stand it.

I can’t stand this feeling of being understood by someone because before him , no one ever really saw me. Not even my family. So, I’m at a bit of a loss on how to deal with it.

My therapist reckons I’m drawn to him because he’s like me. Someone with similar scars, who can understand when I need him close and when I need him to step away. But I don’t need that. I’ve never needed anyone.

Thanks to some late-night googling, I stumbled upon John Koenig’s “Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows.” That’s where I found this word: rigor samsa .

That’s like a psychological armour built to shield you from all the hurt. And I’ve been putting mine together for ages, but it’s never really been foolproof.

Truth is, I’m not as tough as I thought. That’s why I’m so fed up with myself. I’m fed up with him for making me feel this way.

I hate him. I hate that I don’t actually hate him.

[ Closing ? Everyone but You—The Front Bottoms]

[ Now playing ? Podcast, Ep. 23—Explosion of Colours]

Most people reckon it’s tougher to give than to get. It’s seen as a grand, selfless thing, doing something for someone else. But for me, it’s way harder to take than to give.

When you’re giving, you’re the one calling the shots. But when you’re on the receiving end, you’re handing over the reins, making yourself open to getting hurt. And I can’t have that.

As a kid, I got plenty of ‘gifts’ in exchange for my silence, my compliance. So, now, when someone’s nice to me, I get all wary. I’m always thinking, what do they want in return?

But with him, it’s a whole different story. He was kind in such a gentle, no-strings-attached way that I couldn’t help but take it.

Maybe it was the dreamy vibe tonight, all light and warmth, and soft skin, and those eyes that seemed to get through me. Maybe his colour-blindness really is like a superpower, letting him see past all the superficial stuff.

I wanted to see things differently, too, lying there under the artificial Northern Lights that painted the sky so beautifully. But when I took his hand and focused on us, amidst all those lights, he was the true explosion of colours.

[ Closing ? Heat Waves—Glass Animals]

[ Now playing ? Podcast, Ep. 28—Rules]

I laid it out straight for him—well, maybe not straight . This is just going to be about sex, a simple way for us to kill time. I set down some rules, even told him he couldn’t touch me until I said he could. My terms, not his.

Any sensible person would’ve bolted, especially a guy like him, who’s already running away from his problems. But he wasn’t fazed, not even a bit, didn’t even throw a single question.

Instead, he had the nerve to say, “Okay.” Just “okay” as if I hadn’t said anything out of the ordinary, or worse, as if he totally trusted me and my daft rules, which, to be honest, I wish I didn’t need in the first place.

[ Closing ? We’ll Never Have Sex—Leith Ross]

[ Now playing ? Podcast, Ep. 29—Hellhole]

I’m exhausted. I’m sick of the triggers, sick of having to fight every single emotion, whether it’s good or bad.

There’s something wrong with my head, and no matter how hard I try, it doesn’t change. There’s always something—a smell, a word, some off gesture drags me back to that hellhole I can’t seem to escape from.

It’s like I left that place, but that place never left me.

I want to tell him about it, but then I remember he’s not sticking around for long. And then I remind myself, none of this matters anyway. Maybe that’s for the best.

[ Closing ? Say It Right—Nelly Furtado]

[ Now playing ? Podcast, Ep. 30—Loser]

At the barcade, I’ve been unbeatable for ages, always smashing the high score. But when it comes to real life, I just can’t seem to win.

I knew from the get-go that things with him were a no-go, but I still went for it. And now, here I am, back at square one, empty-handed.

I wish I could be one of his reasons to stay.

[ Closing ? Arcade—Duncan Laurence]

[ Now playing ? Podcast, Ep. 32—New Year’s Resolutions]

A new year’s kicked off.

I don’t usually bother with resolutions, knowing I’ll probably ditch them, but this time, I feel like giving it a shot.

I’m ready for a fresh start, a change, and maybe I have to thank the guy who’s been keeping me up at night for that.

I don’t want to be like him, the scared rabbit, always running from stuff I’d rather not face.

So, cheers to him for nudging me towards this change, even if he didn’t mean to.

But I have to thank him for something else, too—for his respect, trust, and a sense of safety in just a few months, stuff I’ve never had before. It wasn’t easy for him to offer those things, and it wasn’t easy for me to take them either.

I’m not bitter about him leaving. More annoyed with myself for not being able to show him how much he matters to me.

There’s this line from V.E. Schwab’s book I’ve been reading, Vengeful , that hit home.

To put it my own way, it’s like how, in life, some people are like matches—they emit a bit of light but no warmth.

Others are like furnaces—warm but not bright.

And then, once in a blue moon, you come across a bonfire, so brilliant and hot, you’re bound to get burned if you get too close.

He’s that bonfire.

[ Closing ? Catastrophize—Noah Kahan]

Aaron ran a hand over his chest; his heart pounded as if it were trying to break free. He stood there, frozen for what felt like forever, staring at the podcast cover as the last notes of the closing song faded into silence.

Then, quickly switching screens, he sent Landon a set of coordinates and a time, no explanations given.

He hopped down from the low wall, taking in the stark landscape around him—the relentless brutalist buildings and the tangle of overhead bridges connecting them. He’d lost himself in this concrete maze more times than he could count, often longing for an escape to some other world.

Navigating the twisting tunnels, a clear thought formed in Aaron’s mind: he was done with getting lost.

This time, he wanted to be found.