Page 31 of We May Be Fractured

Soft Awakenings

[Now playing ? Neptune—Sleeping at Last]

A aron woke up gradually, sense by sense.

First came his hearing, teased by the noises of the world outside: the neighbour’s dog barking, the rumble of a rubbish lorry, seagulls crying overhead, and the occasional sound of car doors closing.

Then, as he lifted his eyelids, the sight of Landon’s sleeping face greeted him. The morning light seeped through the window, sanding him down, bathing Landon’s skin in an ethereal bluish glow; the twinkling fairy lights must have switched off at some point during the night.

Yawning, Aaron seized the opportunity to admire Landon. He studied his features more closely than he ever had before—the gentle arch of his eyebrows, the small mole below his eye, the light stubble dusting his cheeks and chin, and the curve of his slightly parted, chapped lips.

Without his piercings, Landon looked so soft.

Even softer was the touch between their hands still together on the sheets, resting atop each other.

It surprised Aaron how at ease he felt, even after sharing a bed. He wasn’t accustomed to it, yet here he was, finding comfort in the warmth and presence of another person beside him.

“Staring,” came a groggy mumble.

Aaron jolted. “Your eyes are closed!”

“That’s what makes it creepy,” Landon grumbled, rubbing his eyes. The contrast between his grumpy tone and sleepy appearance made Aaron chuckle. “What’s so fascinating anyway?”

“You look cute when you sleep.”

“You’re digging your own grave.”

“Right.” Aaron didn’t take him seriously.

Landon pointed at his desk. “Next time you wake up, you’ll have that pencil in your brain.”

“If I wake up, then you didn’t do it right.”

Landon kept his face blank, but Aaron spotted a quick flicker of annoyance there. He found it oddly satisfying to chip away at Landon’s tough shell, even if just a little, and getting past his exterior seemed no different than finding his way through the complex maze of the Barbican Centre.

Maybe that was why he liked it. Each turn and twist brought him closer to the heart of it, where the most guarded secrets lay hidden.

There was only one problem. Aaron’s own barriers were crumbling too.

Last night was a turning point. They’d both let down their walls, sharing more than just physical space. In that quiet room, a weight had lifted off Aaron’s shoulders as he found a sense of safety with Landon he hadn’t expected.

He’d known from the start that Landon wasn’t an easy nut to crack.

Not because of the tough-guy act; one look in his eyes, and Aaron could tell life hadn’t been kind to him either.

Others saw Landon as someone to avoid, but they never asked what he was avoiding.

Finding scars under his tattoos only confirmed to Aaron that the world had hurt Landon long before he started pushing it away.

Landon withdrew his hand abruptly and propped himself up against the wall. He blinked, looking around as if to reorient himself. Clearing his throat, he nodded towards the door. Maybe a hint to get moving. Maybe a less-than-subtle ‘fuck off’.

“Breakfast, work,” he mumbled in a thick voice.

Aaron stood up on wobbly legs but managed to reach the door. As he stepped out, he nearly tripped when Kat zipped right in front of him. She meowed her way inside the summer house, probably to find Landon, while Aaron took off in the opposite direction, making a beeline for the kitchen.

There, he found Nyle wrestling with coffee stains on his T-shirt, the crime scene of a recent spill evident with the abandoned, still-steaming mug sitting on the windowsill.

“Morning,” Nyle greeted with forced cheeriness. “Or should I say…good night?”

Aaron chose to ignore the jab, focusing instead on getting the kettle going. But Nyle wasn’t finished. With a not-so-subtle cough, he gestured towards the garden.

“So, came out of Lanny’s summer house, didn’t you?”

Aaron kept his cool, rummaging for a peppermint tea bag. “Yeah, so?”

“Never thought I’d have to ask you this, but…did you sleep with Landon?”

The tea bag crinkled in Aaron’s tightening grip. “Why does it always have to be about sex?”

“Well, Landon isn’t exactly the ‘sharing is caring’ guy…or are you saying you two just held hands all night?”

A flush crept up Aaron’s neck. From the cheeky grin on Nyle’s face, it was evident that his embarrassment hadn’t gone unnoticed.

“Was everything you said before just crap?” Nyle pressed, his persistence bordering on annoying.

“What are you talking about?”

“Well, you’ve been coy about your sexuality, hinted you’re not interested in people or sex. But then, Maeve ends up in your bed, and this morning, you’re sneaking out of Landon’s.”

The kettle clicked off, and a sudden, echoing silence filled the room, punctuated only by the hiss of steam. To Aaron, the rising mist from the kettle might as well have been a manifestation of his simmering frustration.

“First off, what I do or don’t do is none of your fucking business,” Aaron snapped. “And for the record, nothing happened with Maeve or Landon.”

“Maeve said you two made out, but you weren’t into it.”

“Maeve should keep her mouth shut.”

Nyle leaned in closer. “So, what’s the deal, then? Did Lanny finally flip a switch for you? And here I was, thinking he had a thing for Ria. Looks like gayness runs in the family.”

Aaron sighed, pouring the boiling water into his mug. The cheery unicorn design on it seemed to mock his swiftly souring mood. “Can’t figure out for the life of me why you’re so fascinated with other people’s lives. And I’m not gay. Things aren’t always as black and white as you think.”

“Cut the philosophy, my dear. You’re fucking a guy. Sounds pretty gay to me.”

Aaron opened his mouth to argue, then closed it because he knew it was pointless. Nyle had already made up his mind; his expression practically screamed, I knew it .

“I must say, I’m a bit miffed you didn’t fall for the obviously better-looking cousin.” Nyle gestured to himself with exaggerated pride. “But watching you two lately, the signs have all been there, right?”

Aaron lifted the mug, letting the soothing mint scent envelop him. “What ‘signs’ are you babbling about exactly?”

“Oh, come on, I haven’t seen that much tension since my last yoga class. And trust me, those poses can be intense ,” Nyle said with a cheeky grin. “Figured it was just a matter of time before you two had a proper go at each other, eh?”

Dismissing the conversation with a scoff, Aaron headed towards his room, eager to escape the conversation. But as he passed the kitchen island, Landon was standing there.

“Speak of the devil,” Nyle said with a chuckle.

“What have I done now?” Landon asked, stepping past Nyle to the coffee machine.

“ Him , apparently.” Nyle gestured towards Aaron, but his confidence quickly diminished under Landon’s unimpressed look, crumbling into mumbles. Fidgeting with his T-shirt, Nyle said, “I…uh, need a shower.”

As the coffee machine hummed to life, Nyle hastily retreated, leaving an uncomfortable silence in his wake.

Aaron and Landon exchanged no words, but the air was thick with things left unsaid, a stark contrast to the light-heartedness of just moments ago. Kat’s loud meow did little to cut the tension.

Landon crouched down to feed her, his fingers gently stroking her fur. Aaron leaned against the counter and watched them.

As he swirled the spoon, stirring his tea, something stirred inside him too. He wished for that same gentle touch, leaving him as perplexed as he had been the night before.

He couldn’t blame alcohol now; he was completely sober, yet the feelings persisted—his unique desire for closeness with Landon and Landon alone.

And it was confusing, it was strange, it was exciting.

What was going on with him? Was it even possible to be attracted to only one person? Could that be a thing? Or, as Nyle had suggested, was he just a gay guy who didn’t know better?

Aaron had never dug deep into his sexuality. His mild interest in both guys and girls had rushed him to identify as bisexual, maybe a bit pushed by his peers to pick a label. After that, he didn’t give it much thought, like handing over an exam paper and forgetting about it.

But after the car accident, even that mild interest had dwindled. His head was a mess, and sex was the very last thing on his mind.

Deep down, though, Aaron had always known the ‘bi’ label wasn’t quite right for him.

But he didn’t stress about it because he still felt attraction.

It was just that sex wasn’t a priority, and that was okay with him.

He’d never fallen for anyone, never craved more, never even known what he was missing out on.

But then came Landon.

For the first time, Aaron felt a strong, undeniable pull rather than a tug, a connection he wanted to explore.

It was like finally spotting a number in those pesky Ishihara colour plates. Landon stood out to him, bold and clear, against the muted canvas of his past experiences.

Clutching his mug tighter, Aaron walked down the corridor, keeping his distance from Landon.

He reminded himself that he didn’t have time for distractions.

In just a month, his community service would be up, and he’d be on his way to Australia, leaving everything behind, including Landon and the confusing feelings he stirred.

Inside the summer house, their world had felt smaller, more intimate. But stepping back into reality, Aaron was reminded that even in dreams, one eventually must wake up.

*

A t the retirement centre, everybody seemed to know what had happened between Aaron and Landon, even though Aaron himself wasn’t quite sure.

Nyle kept winking at them whenever he passed by. Maeve whispered to anyone while glancing their way. Ria radiated happiness and was all smiley as if it was the best day of her life. And Cliff…Cliff was unusually hostile.

Strangely enough, the entire group decided to join Aaron and Landon in their effort to revive the tree.

Aaron knew that their sudden enthusiasm was less about the tree and more an excuse to keep a close eye on them and fuel the gossip. Muhammad was very excited by the turn of events. Sarah didn’t say anything and let them carry on as long as they made improvements to the garden.

Despite the additional help, working that day turned out to be more challenging than Aaron had anticipated, especially because of how on edge he felt around Landon.

Every time their eyes met, Aaron quickly looked away.

Even the slightest touch from Landon, whether accidental or intentional, sent a shiver down his spine, making his hairs stand on end.

Aaron had told himself he didn’t have time for distractions, yet there he was, increasingly distracted by Landon’s mere presence.

It didn’t help that Cliff was being particularly troublesome too.

Aaron’s tools seemed to have a way of mysteriously moving on their own, and he was certain he caught Cliff smiling smugly every time he had to hunt them down again.

Cliff’s idea of ‘helping with the tree’ turned out to be about deliberately sabotaging their plan. The last straw came when Cliff ‘accidentally’ loosened a branch, causing it to swing too close to Aaron’s head.

“For fuck’s sake, Cliff!” he snapped.

“Are you having fun, Aaron?”

Aaron glared back at him. “Oh yeah, a total blast.”

“You seem to be fitting in just fine,” Cliff’s replied, laced with bitter sarcasm.

Aaron paused, hands buried in mulch, unsure how to respond. But then he chose to brush it off; he had more pressing things on his mind.

The tension with Landon was becoming a real thing. And it wasn’t the kind Nyle joked about. Or was it? Aaron couldn’t tell.

He kept wondering if Landon felt the same way, if their night together meant something to him, if Landon also wanted to be close.

Shaking his head, Aaron tried to concentrate on the tree, but it was a lost cause.

With Cliff’s games and his own jumbled thoughts about Landon, Aaron was more of a mess than help.

A part of him wanted to explore this unexpected attraction, to see where things with Landon could go before his time was up. But with his own confusion a barrier, did he even know what he really wanted?

As lunchtime rolled around, Aaron still wrestled with the same unsettling thoughts.

Phone in hand, he slipped away to a secluded spot at the back of the building. He needed answers.

With curiosity and hesitation, Aaron started his first real search: Why don’t I feel attracted to people? The results were all over the place, talking about introversion and mental health, but nothing clicked.

Trying a different angle, he typed in: Not sexually attracted to anyone.

Is it normal? That led him to a Reddit thread full of people sharing their experiences, including talks about asexuality.

He’d heard about asexuality, but he’d never considered it might apply to him.

Aaron wasn’t repulsed by sex; it just wasn’t a big deal for him.

As he continued to read, he stumbled upon terms like ‘graysexuality’ and ‘demisexuality’. He even found information about romantic versus sexual attraction, which opened up a can of worms. Could he be bisexual in a romantic sense but somewhere on the asexual spectrum sexually?

This was all new territory. It was too much. The more he read, the more his head spun.

Feeling more muddled than ever, Aaron pocketed his phone. He needed to talk to someone, but who?

He glanced towards the group in the distance.

Nyle was out of the question; he had already pigeonholed him as gay. Maeve was a no-go after their last weird encounter. Cliff wasn’t his friend anymore and clearly didn’t understand him.

That left Landon and Ria.

But talking to Landon about this seemed premature. He didn’t want to dump all this confusion on him, especially since Landon was part of what confused him in the first place.

That brought him to Ria. She was majoring in sex and gender studies and always up for these discussions. She’d probably be more helpful than some random forums online.

So, Ria it was, despite the slight awkwardness he felt around her and still not fully getting her friendship with Landon.