Page 8

CHAPTER 8

ROMAN

Oh shit! What the hell was I thinking?

I wasn’t. There was no excuse. My mouth gave voice to my deepest desires and wrote a check my rear end couldn’t cash. I refused to back up off what I said, though. I wouldn’t lie to him. But I also wouldn’t elaborate further.

Not unless he asked me directly.

Carson stared at me. His blue eyes swirled, but his phone buzzed, and he apologized for the interruption, pulling his phone out to check notifications. Maybe it was for the best. Who knows what would’ve come out of my mouth next? Even though I knew I couldn’t say anything, the words built up inside me like a pressure cooker ready to pop its top.

His face gave away what he was going to say before he ever opened his mouth.

“I’ve gotta go. I wish I didn’t, but the team is heading back to the hospital. Foster, my commanding officer, texted, and now one of the other guys is asking where I am. If I don’t head back, they’ll send out a search party,” he said.

The tone was joking, but in a way that told me he wasn’t none too happy about it.

I nodded, but before I could say anything, he pulled me into a quick hug. Our bodies pressed together. His smell filled my senses, and I could’ve stayed there for an eternity. He pulled away and walked out the door without another word or a backward glance. I stood there, rooted in place, and watched him go. The soft snick of the door opening and closing echoed through the barren entryway. I sighed and mourned the lost time with him.

I understood why he walked away the way he did. I understood why he had to leave, and again, it was probably for the best, but I really didn’t want him to leave. The feeling that something was missing was… well, missing with him here. He just fit.

His fitting wasn’t the issue. He and I had always been like Forest and Jenny. Peas and carrots from the moment we met. No. The issues were things we had no control over.

One. He was straight. Maybe . I could’ve sworn I felt him twitch in his pants when I hugged him earlier. But it could just be wishful thinking.

Two. He was an enlisted man, and I was an officer—a huge no-no. There was no way around it. Sometimes, the Army was a bit more lax about it than the Navy, as long as the two weren’t in the same chain of command, but it was an enormous risk.

Three. Even if he was gay, again, wishful thinking on my part, DADT had us in a chokehold with the fraternization issues. There were people who risked it, and for him, I would if it was just me. But I had Margot to think about, and she had to be my first consideration. As her father, that was my first and most important job.

Which brought me to four. His career. It was unpredictable and dangerous beyond most people’s imagination. I was a doctor. I’d treated several SEALs during my time in the service. I knew their stats. Their outcomes could be dire and sometimes those bad outcomes became the worst-case scenario, and families received a flag for their sacrifice instead of a wounded loved one. I knew, even if every obstacle was overcome and conditions were ideal, that a relationship between us would be impossible.

“Is he gone?”

I turned at the sound of my daughter’s voice. Déjà vu hit me, and if I closed my eyes, her earlier near catastrophe would play in my head like a horror flick. I pushed it aside to answer her.

“He is. He needed to rejoin his team.”

“But I want Mr. Carson to stay.”

Walking up the stairs, feeling defeated before I could ever get in the game, I scooped Margot up, ignoring the look in my mother’s eyes.

“I know you do, punkin. Maybe he can visit with us again soon, but right now, why don’t you show me your new room, and we can figure out how to decorate it?”

“Roman…”

“Don’t, Mama,” I replied, even though I knew I’d be hearing about it later.

Did I spoil Margot, maybe? Mama loved to harp on it, even though she did it daily herself, or it could be Carson she wanted to grill me about. Either way, I didn’t care. I would spoil my child if I wanted to because she was the only one I would ever have, and Carson was not up for discussion as anything other than an old friend from high school that I just happen to run into.

End of discussion.

Because there wasn’t anything to discuss. There were four very valid and insurmountable obstacles we would need to overcome before there was anything to talk about. One of those things, the most important, was in my arms, rattling her head off about a princess’ room.

The rest of the morning, I sat in Margot’s room with her and reacquainted myself with my little girl. There weren’t many toys in the room since this was a temporary change of station, but I’d asked Mama to pack up a bunch of Margot’s stuff and ship it to me. This move was going to be rough on us all, but especially on Margot, and I wanted her to feel at home here as soon as possible.

But that didn’t matter. We had fun with what was here. We read books, played dolls, and built things with her Legos. And all the while, I sat there in awe of this being I helped create.

I couldn’t believe she was heading off to kindergarten in just a few weeks. I missed her entire Pre-K year, but Mama had been great about making sure there were photos and videos in my inbox regularly.

I didn’t know where Mama had been all morning, but I figured it out real quick when the house filled with smells from the kitchen. Mama was a phenomenal cook. The care packages she sent me in Afghanistan made me a very popular guy. Mama filled them with all sorts of vacuum-sealed baked goods, and because she sent one a week (more if fighting threatened my location), I shared them with everyone.

Cooking and baking were what she did when stressed, worried, or overthinking something. Homemade bread that she kneaded by hand always meant she was looking for an escape to keep her hands busy while she mulled things over. Yeasty goodness filled the house, which meant she was chewing on something, and I had a gut feeling it was about Carson.

“Daddy, I’m hungry.”

“Me, too. Smells like Nana’s making us something good. Wanna go see what it is?”

She nodded enthusiastically, jumping up from the mess of toys surrounding her. She took off at a run for the door, but I reached out and snagged her by the waist.

“Oh no, Little Miss. You’ve gotta help clean up the mess first.”

She furrowed her brow, pooched out her lip in a pout, and crossed her arms. “I don’t gotta. Nana does that.”

Dear Lord.

I kneeled in front of her and said, “Well, that’s gonna stop right now. If you make the mess, you clean the mess. Got it?”

My beautiful little girl looked at me and screeched like a pterodactyl, then stamped her foot. I raised my brow, waiting out the fit. When I didn’t react the way she wanted, she moved to go around me, and I blocked her.

“Punkin, Daddy means business. You will clean up this mess before we go downstairs.”

“What’s going on here?”

“It’s fine, Mama. I’ve got a handle on it.”

“Looks like it.”

Ignoring her sarcastic reply, I focused on my daughter. Mama and I would not fight in front of her. It would undermine our authority with Margot and give her the upper hand. I’d known this was possible. Other deployed parents at Bagram had told me all their horror stories.

“Nana, tell Daddy I don’t gotta pick up the toys.”

“Margot…”

I interrupted her. I was home, and I needed to be my child’s parent.

“Mama. I’ve got this.”

She tossed her hands in the air, turned, and walked out of the bedroom. From the hall, I heard her say, “I’ll be in the kitchen. Lunch is ready. Y’all come eat when you’ve handled things.”

I stifled the urge to be as childish as she was acting and stood. I picked Margot up and sat on her new bed. Her old one was staying in Virginia. It was an antique, and Mama hadn’t wanted to chance it on an overseas move.

I scooted back until I rested against the wall her bed sat against and turned her to look at me. She stubbornly refused to do so, but I forged on.

“Margot Adrienne, Daddy may not have been here for a long time, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t know the rules because I do. You wanna know how I know?”

Her lip curled out in a pout, and she tucked her chin.

“Because they’re the same rules Nana gave me when I was little like you.”

Her indignant gaze flew to mine, and she said, “I’m not little, Daddy. I’m going to school.”

That got her attention, at least.

“I know, and big girls who go to school gotta pick up after themselves because Nana won’t be there to do it.”

The wheels spun in her beautiful eyes, and without a word, she slid from my lap and off the bed, immediately picking up the mess. I joined in since I’d played with the toys, too, and it wasn’t long until we were done. I sighed. I knew this wasn’t the last of the reintegration woes, but that was okay. I’d deal with them as they came.

At the top of the stairs, I took hold of Margot’s hand and said, “I do not want you walking down the stairs by yourself until Daddy gets something put down to make them less slick.”

She nodded, gripping my hand and the railing as we slowly made our way downstairs. As much as we all loved this house, I didn’t know what I was thinking. The floors were wall-to-wall shiny marble-looking tile that ran up the stairs. It would be easy to keep clean, but after the near disaster of this morning, something I knew would live on in my head for quite some time, I would need to plan something to keep Margot from doing another nose-dive.

We walked into the kitchen, and my mother didn’t even look up. Co-parenting was hard but co-parenting with your parent was ridiculously hard. She handled things on her own for a year, but now that I was home, we would need to get on the same page. Because as much as I refused to undermine her authority in front of Margot, Mama’s little outburst upstairs showed she wasn’t even in the same damn book as me.

A phone buzzed loudly, clattering on a hard surface.

“Your phone’s been buzzing,” Mama said.

I walked over to where it lay. I didn’t remember taking it out of my pocket after Carson and I arrived at the house this morning, but there were so many other things I was focused on.

I opened the screen, and elation filled me. I covered my mouth with one hand, rubbing my thumb over my lips, but when the smile wouldn’t stay hidden any longer, I bit down on the inside of my cheeks.

Buried amid all the notifications was a text from Carson.

Carson

Thanks for this morning.

The message came in right after he left, but I responded as if he just sent it.

Roman

You’re welcome.

I didn’t expect a text back, but one popped up almost immediately.

Carson

Tell your mama the food was fantastic.

Roman

Are you okay?

Carson

Yeah. Why?

Roman

Just the vibe I got before you left. You’re throwing the same one off now.

Carson

Vibes don’t transfer through text.

Roman

Ha ha ha. Smart aleck.

Carson.

You still don’t cuss much, do you?

Roman

No. Margot parrots everything we say so I’m even more cautious.

Carson

Good idea.

Trip cusses worse than a sailor and his oldest repeats it to Mama and Daddy.

He gets his ass chewed on the regular.

“Are you going to ignore us for that phone during the entire meal?”

Roman

Gotta go. Mama’s in a mood.

Carson

Well, you did drop an unannounced guest for breakfast in her lap when she’s not had the chance to get the place ready for guests.

Mama and my sisters-in-law would’ve tied me up by my toes if I’d done the like.

Roman

I didn’t think of that. I’ll be honest and say I was happy to see you.

“Roman!”

Roman

Really gotta go. Talk later.

Carson

You go.

We’ll talk later.

Plus, you need sleep.

Roman

Yeah, I do. I work tonight. But if you’re still here, you could have breakfast with us again.

Carson

I’d like that. Don’t know if I’ll be here or not, though.

I tucked the phone back into my pocket, but the urge to pull it out again was strong. The fact he texted had me ecstatic. I thought for sure he’d turn tail and run, never to be heard from again, but maybe my slip of the tongue wasn’t such a bad thing after all. Maybe it had cracked, if not a door, then a window, on rekindling a friendship between us, at least.

“Roman? Margot asked you a question,” my mother told me, breaking me free from the Carson haze that had fallen over me.

Pushing Carson Wilcox out of my head, as much as my brain and libido would let me anyway, I turned my attention to Mama and Margot. They just got me back on a semi-regular full-time basis. I couldn’t ignore them and stay detached from them. Plus, I was gonna need Mama in a better frame of mind if I was going to discuss how she and I needed to behave in front of Margot.