Page 38

CHAPTER 38

CARSON

The look that came over the man’s face when I said, “Yes, please,” was the stuff dreams were made of. Namely, my dreams.

He came to me, pulled me into his arms, and I went willingly. I wanted him. I didn’t give a fuck about the consequences.

The one-eighty from last summer to now wasn’t lost on me. Last summer, I ran from him, from myself, from my identity, ignoring him and continuing to ignore who I am. Now, I refused to do any of those things. On the contrary, I would chase him down and throw myself at his feet if I had to because I loved the man. I always had, and I always would.

Yet another revelation I needed to disclose, but that could wait. There was something else I needed first.

“I want you, Roman. So much,” I whispered.

“Thank God because I need you.”

His mouth descended on mine, taking what he wanted. I followed his lead, giving back as good as I got. Or so I hoped. He didn’t complain, and the groan that vibrated up from his chest, making it rumble against mine, made me feel good. Like I was doing things right.

He pulled away and said, “I have an idea.”

“I’m all ears, doc.”

“Go, turn on the shower and get naked. I’ll be right there.”

“Where are you going?”

“Not far.”

He stole another deep, passionate kiss that made my stomach dip and flip, but he pulled away and gave me a tiny push toward the bathroom.

“Go on. I’ll be right back. I need to grab something.”

I didn’t know what the fuck he needed to grab, but I wasn’t about to argue. I ducked into the bathroom and flipped on the shower as told. Leaning the crutch against the wall, I pulled off my clothes and draped them over the handrail next to the toilet.

I stepped under the spray carefully and tilted back my head. The hot water rained down, loosening the tension physical therapy and the crutch put on my body. Leaning back against the handrail to support my weight, sounds from the TV in the other room filtered in through the closed door moments before it opened.

“It’s good to know you can follow orders.”

Roman’s voice penetrated the fog. My head rolled so I could see him. He’d lost his uniform coat somewhere, and his undershirt clung to him, highlighting every ripple of muscle. My cock approved enthusiastically, plumping up. I cleared my throat.

“That’s never been a problem. I grew up the youngest of six. Everyone has ordered me around since my feet touched the ground for the first time. It was second nature by the time I enlisted.”

“I seem to remember you mouthing off and skirting the rules plenty.”

“Kinda like what we’re doing?”

He paused, his shirt half off. One arm free, the shirt covering his face. “Are you…” he huffed, letting the shirt fall back into place before crossing his arms. “Are you having second thoughts?”

I turned off the water and grabbed a towel. I couldn’t have this conversation sporting wood.

“No, doc. Not at all, but we’d both be lying if we didn’t address the issue. Ignoring it…”

“Is what I’ve always done. Skirted the regulations and lived my life. It’s the only life we can have.”

“I don’t want this to be like what you’ve always done. I don’t want to be like those guys. Like Gunnar.”

“And you’re not. You never could be, Carson.”

I grabbed my crutch and my clothes and elbowed past him. The breath he took felt like it sucked all the air out of the atmosphere.

I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. He wants me. I said yes. So, why throw obstacles in our way? As if the last ten years weren’t difficult enough.

“So why are you throwing up roadblocks?”

Surprised, I spun around, the crutch tangled with my legs, and I scrambled to stay upright. Roman rushed to me, but I pushed him off.

“I don’t need you to prop me up. I’m not an invalid.”

His eyebrows found a new home in the middle of his forehead, and he stepped away, his hands out in front of him. I hated being coddled and he was definitely the coddling type.

Growling, I dropped down on the edge of the hospital bed and worked my pants over my feet and up my legs. I pushed up onto my feet and dropped my towel. I watched his eyes dance over my half-naked body. It took everything in me to keep my dick from responding. Scoffing at myself for fighting a losing battle, I yanked my pants up over my ass and sat back down.

“Now that you’re dressed, will you answer the damn question?”

“What question?”

I was an ass. I knew it, but I couldn’t answer that fucking question. I was a goddamn Navy SEAL, an officer. I couldn’t admit how insecure I felt, how inadequate.

“I hope that’s a joke and you actually remember what I asked. Otherwise, I’m recommending to your doctor that he send you for a brain scan.”

I scoffed. The air forced its way from my lungs so hard and fast that my throat burned.

“Keep your recommendations to yourself. I remember the damn question.”

He threw his hands in the air and spun around. Scrubbing his hands over his head, he stalked away. Fear that he’d walk out of the room and leave me behind engulfed me.

“Don’t go.”

“I have no intention of leaving, but you frustrate me to no end.”

“I apologize.”

“Don’t apologize. Talk to me. I walked out of this room, and we were both happy and horny, and I came back to…”

“So you’re pissed you missed out on a fuck?”

“No. Dammit. No. I’m confused. I thought we were on the same page, but you bring up shit we have no control over and then refuse to talk to me.”

I nodded, staring down at my hands. Common sense finally kicked in. “I’m scared.”

He sighed deeply and sat down next to me. “Of?”

“Everything.”

“That covers a lot. Wanna elaborate?”

“Will I be enough? Can I make you happy? Can you make me happy? Can we figure out how to make this work with DADT, the Army, and the Navy all fighting against us. Will Margot be okay with us? How will my parents and your mom take it? God knows my brothers probably won’t…”

“Stop. Okay. Just stop. Let me answer some of these questions.”

“Yeah. Sorry.”

“No worries. Let’s see if I can keep them all straight.”

“I thought we already settled the straight thing.”

“Hahaha. Very funny. So, your questions. You are enough. More than enough. Happy? Until things went off the rails today, I can safely say I’ve only ever been this happy when the doctor handed me Margot for the first time. As for all the other things, we have to talk them through.”

Happiness warmed me, but at the same time, I knew I needed to be honest with him about how I felt. I’d avoided talking about sex. Gulping a deep breath, my face heated as I whispered, “I feel… insecure. Inadequate.”

“Carson, as long as we talk, we can figure out anything. I’m sure of it. As for being insecure, let me be as clear as possible. You have no reason to be insecure or to feel inadequate.”

“How about stupid and inexperienced?”

“Umm, no. Everyone starts out inexperienced but that doesn’t make anyone stupid.”

“Well, it makes me feel like a stupid kid when I’m nearly thirty years old and a decorated war veteran.”

“Experience will come.”

Laughter burst forth, and Roman shook his head, chuckling along with me. “Underneath all the medals and ribbons, you’re still a twelve-year-old boy.”

“At heart, on occasion. But there are some things about me that are decidedly not twelve years old.”

“Thank God for that.”

“So, you said we need to figure some things out?”

“Yeah. I did.”

“So, you start. What should we talk about first?”

“You’re going home to Virginia soon.”

“I am. And you’re still going to be here.”

“Yeah.”

“So, how are we going to do this? Are we going to do this?”

“I don’t know how, but I want to be with you.”

“Same. At least at DEVGRU, we’re pretty embedded in Vah Beach. But I am gone. A lot.”

“I know.”

“And you just got to Germany, so you’ve got another few years here.”

“We’ll figure it out, Carson. But the good news is that Landstuhl is a temporary change of station for me. Not a permanent one.”

“Where’re you…”

“Kenner.”

Relieved laughter bubbled up from within. “Well, that’s not so bad. Could’ve been worse.”

“It’s still two hours away.”

“Embrace the suck, doc. It’s not Texas, and it’s damn sure not Germany.”

“When did you learn to make lemonade?”

“You’re ridiculous. I’m not shitting rainbows and sunshine. Far from it, but warfighters know bellyaching about what’s wrong isn’t going to fix a damn thing. Instead, you gotta work the problem.”

“Okay. Work the problem… you’re going back to Virginia Beach in a few days. I’ll still be here for a while but should be stateside in a few months. When I get there, we’ll be a couple of hours apart, and we still have DADT to deal with.”

“I hate the idea of keeping things quiet. But… Adam and Brock managed it for years without anyone finding out.”

“I’ll do whatever is necessary so we can see where this is going. If that’s what you want.”

“It is. Looks like I’m not the only one insecure.”

“No. You’re not.”

We sat in silence. Time passed so slowly; it felt as though hours had passed, but a glance at the clock showed it hadn’t been much more than a few minutes. I still felt off-kilter. “When we’re both back stateside, we’ll spend as much time together as possible. In the meantime, we’ll text and Skype.”

I nodded, and he sighed, but I had to be sure of one thing before I could relax.

“When DADT is repealed…”

“I have no intention of hiding if I don’t have to. Before joining the Army, I didn’t hide who I was. I’ll be ecstatic to step out of the closet again and go back to being out and proud.”

Relief swept through me. I grabbed him, pulled him toward me, and kissed him. I’d hid my whole damn life. I’d lived in the shadows. I was okay living in the shadows professionally. But I was over living in the shadows personally. I wanted a life outside the teams. I wanted what Foster had with Julie and their kids.

Pulling my lips from his, I asked, “Now, about that shower? What exactly did you have in mind?”