Page 11

CHAPTER 11

CARSON

Two days after having breakfast with Roman’s family, we’d walked onto the transport plane home with Adam in tow. He still wasn’t well, but they’d cleared him to ride home with us instead of on a medical transport. Given the number of medics we had onboard, I assumed they’d felt he’d be okay in our expert hands.

And he had been, thank God. I never wanted to watch Brock fall apart like he had when Adam flatlined. Gut-wrenching didn’t cover it. I much preferred the sight of them like they were in the hospital room over summer—holding hands and sharing chaste kisses.

Thinking of them automatically led to thoughts of Roman and what it would be like to have that with him. That led to the same place it always did when I thought of Roman touching me, my dick stiffening in my pants until I was dizzy as fuck.

I didn’t understand how my body could switch itself on and off the way it did. And to be honest, I wasn’t a fan. I hated feeling out of control.

And Roman Ott robbed me of all restraint.

When Roman left for college, cell phones weren’t something any of us really had. A few of the rich kids at school had car phones, but while Roman’s dad had been a doctor, his mama thought they were pretentious even before his dad killed himself and money got tight for them. I huffed a laugh under my breath. I could still remember her using that exact phrase when Roman asked for anything she felt was unnecessary.

With him off to school and me still back home, we lost touch. It happened. It was to be expected.

What I didn’t expect was for him to rob me of a functioning dick.

For the last few months before he left, we were inseparable, and I fought off a lust-fueled haze every day. Jacking off was all that kept me sane or from blowing my load in my pants. It was even worse when he ran laps shirtless. Even as a teenager, he’d been an Adonis: tall, graceful, and defined without being beefy.

Then he left, and all the interest I had in him slowly died, but it wasn’t just interest in him. That part of my psyche disappeared, too. Sex, desire, lust, whatever you wanted to call it, just vanished. Never to be felt again.

Occasionally, there’d be tiny embers of a spark, but on that rare occasion, mostly, it was just a fleeting thought that someone was attractive. That was it; just a thought. No blood rushing or pooling. No hard-ons or anything like that. It was as if I was dead from the waist down.

On long deployments or ops, Finlay always talked about his palms getting a workout, but even that wasn’t something that interested me.

And I was fine with it. Mostly, anyway. My life was pretty much just as I wanted it before Roman Ott waltzed into the waiting room, tossing everything I knew in the air. The goal I’d been working toward was within my grasp, and the one thing that could fuck it up decided now was the time to make itself known. So, I walked away.

One of the team motioned that we were getting close to landing. Sighing, I grabbed a seat and stowed my laptop. Flights home from a mission were usually a chance to get caught up on sleep, but all the thoughts and fears compounded, and I’d spent this nearly twelve-hour flight, like all the others since the summer, so keyed up I couldn’t bring myself to close my eyes. Instead, I scrolled social media on my laptop, and typed messages to Roman that I deleted only to start another one immediately.

When the transport plane touched down, and everyone got up, moving around and readying to deplane, I stood slowly, arching my back to stretch out the kinks. My back popped and cracked like Rice Krispies, and I groaned. Sleeping in a hammock for most of the trip was great, but I hated the damn landings.

As the plane slowed to a stop, I tossed my duffle over my shoulder, waiting for the door to open. The ramp lowered, sunlight filled the belly of the plane, and the warmth of a fall day in Virginia filtered in as well. I hung back, letting the men and women with families leave first.

There wasn’t anyone waiting for me.

There never was.

And now there never would be.

Roman and his mini-me’s faces flashed before me.

I might as well forget about them. The way I left things with Roman back in the summer was not good. I kicked myself for it daily. It wasn’t like the selection board would be reading my text messages, but my panicked brain couldn’t grasp that. All I heard was Foster’s voice telling me to watch my six because the board was going to bend me over and do a cavity search for anything inappropriate. And my feelings for Rome were inappropriate, according to the bigots, homophobes, and the DOD, but the more I lived with the feelings and acknowledged them, the more I realized just how wrong all those people were and just how much I fucked up.

There wasn’t anything wrong with how and what I felt. What was wrong was how I reacted to what I felt. Blowing Rome off was a mistake. I knew it more with every passing day. Instead of having my friend in my life, I had a gaping hole where he should be. That twenty-four hours Rome had been back in my life was a balm to my ravaged soul. He, Margot, and Amelia had made the world lighter than a feather and brighter than the sun currently burning my retinas.

As I walked off the plane, the reunions of all the Navy personnel with their families played like a movie before me. Loved ones rushed forward. Kids screamed and laughed. This time, we even had a new baby to add to our motley crew because one of the support staff's wives delivered a baby while we were gone.

We’d had one pissed-off petty officer on our hands when he found out he missed the birth of his first baby. Foster, a pro at being a Navy dad, worked his magic, aka he called his miracle-worker wife, and Julie fixed it so the guy could get a video call with his wife. He’d also gotten a few pictures through email and shown them to everyone who’d spun up with us. Twice.

I couldn’t say I blamed him. The kid was cute. But so were all the little ones I walked past on the way to my car. None of them were as adorable as Margot Ott, though. There was just something about her that grabbed my heart that day. Maybe it was the way she attacked the world without fear. Or it could be because she was Rome’s kid. I didn’t know, but I felt like a fucking idiot because I missed her. I met her once. I had one damn meal with the kid, but the longing I felt for Roman carried over to his little girl and even his mama.

I got in my truck and took off toward my house to grab my gear. There was a metric shit ton of stuff I needed to get done before I headed to Rhode Island for OCS. If I got in, that is. Even if I didn’t, I still needed to get the crap done on the house I was flipping.

I pulled up to my house and hit the opener for my driveway gate, pulling through and parking in front of the detached garage. I hopped out of the truck with my duffle and walked into the mudroom at the back of the house. I emptied my dirties into the washer, then headed to my closet to refill it. It wasn’t unheard of for us to touchdown only to be called right back out, so I never left the bag empty.

This house had been a flipper as well—my third one. Typically, I lived in a house while I rehabbed it. When they were done, I sold them off and moved on to the next one. But I loved this fucking little beach bungalow. So, I kept it and used some of the equity to buy the next one. It was a gamble, but I didn’t have anyone to provide for, and there was nothing else to spend the money on.

Well, other than my nephews, but I already had money set aside for all of them. That money couldn’t be touched if I lost everything on a flip, so there wasn’t anything to worry about. If I lost my shirt, I’d just pick myself up and start over.

Thinking of the money I had put away for all my brothers’ kids made me think of Margot again. I glanced at the clock and pulled out my phone, opening it. It wasn’t a surprise to see it open to my texts with Roman. I pulled Roman’s name up on my phone every time I picked the thing up. I wanted to message him so badly. Almost as bad as I wanted to call him, which wasn’t anywhere near as bad as I wanted him. To see him.

The funny thing was all this should feel new, but it wasn’t. It’s how I’ve felt for years. I just didn’t realize that’s what it was until I saw him again. Now, I knew that feeling was a bone-deep longing. One I knew I’d be stuck with for the rest of my days, no matter how long or short they were, because I fucked things up so bad.

Sighing, I pulled up the number for my money guy.

“Carson! How the hell are you?” Edward asked when he answered the phone.

Edward was a former SEAL. We went through BUD/S and served on the same team in Cali, but then I got tapped for Green Team, and he stayed in Coronado. A couple of years ago, his team was on a mission that went sideways, and he nearly didn’t make it home. When he finally recovered from his injuries, he pulled his head outta his ass and went back to school. Now, he held a couple of finance degrees.

“I’m good. Just got back stateside,” I said as I walked back outside and took a seat in the Adirondack chairs I’d built to overlook the garden I’d put in last summer.

“Hopefully, everyone else got home, okay?”

“They did. Just the usual.”

“Man, you’re a fucking SEAL. The usual doesn’t mean everyone got home, okay?”

“Touche.”

“So, what can I do for you?”

“I need you to set up another trust fund.”

There was a little girl who needed and deserved a secure and easy life. I might not guarantee she got it, but I could damn sure make certain she had plenty of money so she wouldn’t ever have to worry about making ends meet.

“Your family’s gotta be the most fertile fuckers ever!”

I laughed. He wasn’t wrong. I had five brothers, and of the three who had kids, I had nine nephews. “There aren’t any new little Wilcoxes on the way. At least, not that I know of. This one is for a friend’s kiddo.”

“A friend.”

“Yes, a friend. We grew up together and lost touch after high school. I just learned he has a little girl. He’s an only kid and taking care of his mama, too.”

“Alright, don’t get your nuts in a knot. I just wondered.”

“There’s no way in hell I’d subject someone to this life,” I said.

Roman’s face flashed before me again, and I scrubbed my hand over my face to scratch the back of my head. If Roman were willing and the obstacles in our way weren’t, I’d jump off that cliff blindfolded without a second thought.

Edward chattered on about the trust and the paperwork as if he’d not given me the same spiel with the birth of each of my nephews. I provided what information I knew about Margot, but there wasn’t much to go on.

“You don’t know her birthday?”

The tone and pitch of his voice told me how crazy he thought I was. I didn’t give a shit what he thought.

“No, is that a problem?”

“No, but dude. Are you sure? This is a lot of fucking money you’re giving away to a kid whose birthday you don’t even know.”

“Just get it set up for me, okay?”

“Listen, it’s no skin off my back; it’s your cash. I’m just making sure, you’re sure.”

“I’m sure.”

“Alright. I’ll get the papers sent over to the notary soon. Think you can get there to sign them?”

“Just message me when it’s ready, and I’ll head over to sign them ASAP.”

“Okay. I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Yep. Thanks, Edward.”

He responded and hung up while I sat there staring at the backyard. It was a masterpiece. I loved how it felt as if you were miles away from the busy streets of Vah Beach when you were back here. It really was an oasis.

One I could easily imagine Margot reigning over.

Sighing, I got up and headed to the garage for my tools. I had a house to finish, and daylight was burning. There was no use imagining what would never be.