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Be As Loud As You Want

M eredith

It was Friday night, and the party swirled around me as I sat on a couch near the middle of the main room. New Year’s Eve had brought in a fresh round of hangarounds, and every week since, they’d shown up with new friends. Barely-there shirts, short shorts, and heels.

I watched as a group of four girls sauntered into the main room.

There was clearly a leader as the first girl walked ahead of the rest, stopped, and scanned the various prospects.

I watched her as her eyes bounced between bikers before she landed on DeadZone.

She turned on her heel and faced the girl next to her.

I was too far away to hear what was being said, but the intent was obvious.

I didn’t know if I was supposed to save him or not.

The girl tried to act nonchalant as she made her way over to where he sat at the bar, but he wasn’t paying attention.

It wasn’t until she rubbed her hand across his forearm that he jumped and took off running.

He moved closer to the pool table, but when she tried to follow him, he shook his head.

It made me wonder if Dead didn’t like to be touched.

When we watched TV together, he stayed on his side of the couch, and I stayed on mine.

Turning my head, I focused on the other three girls she’d walked in with. They were giggling at their friend’s misfortune, and it made me sad for her. I had two best friends that I had known since elementary school, and we would have never done something like that. It wasn’t funny.

Unlocking my phone, I pulled up our group chat.

I hadn’t seen them since before the accident, nor had I allowed them to visit.

However, I knew what would happen the minute I told them to come.

They would swoop in and hold me together, putting patches over the holes as I spilled the whole sordid tale.

It would be a temporary fix, and once they were gone, I’d be back to the same, or worse.

If I was going to heal, I had to do it for myself.

I quickly typed out a message and sent it before I could rethink the words.

Meredith

I miss your faces.

My eyes went back to the group leader. She was trying to pick up Op.

She’d get nowhere. He liked them older. I wanted to walk over there and give her some advice.

These men could smell a skank coming a mile away, and while most of them had no problem dumping and running, they’d never commit.

I’d made the mistake of trying to explain that once to a hangaround, but all she’d done was call me bitter.

It made me appreciate the man in my life who hadn’t given up on me, and I was at the point where I didn’t want to give him a reason to.

I was about to turn off my phone when Grizz’s picture appeared.

One random Wednesday night, back when we had first started dating, he called to say he was driving the four hours just for dinner and dessert.

The man had literally fed me, had taken me home to fuck, and then left.

I’d woken up the next morning, realizing he’d changed his contact picture to a half-naked selfie.

“Hello, Jonathan,” I answered. I could hear the smile in my tone.

“You’re feeling feisty.” He chuckled. There were background noises, but nothing distinguishable. I couldn’t pinpoint where he was.

“Not really. I’m watching a girl trying to put the moves on Op. Am I getting old? I just want to walk over there and tell her to put some clothes on. Like I don’t have something in the closet that’s similar.”

His chuckle turned into a hearty laugh. “Nah, baby. You’ve just been around the club long enough to know that it’s usually the conservatively dressed ones that get the most attention. Corrupting them is fun.”

The conversation awkwardly dropped off.

Grizz cleared his throat. “I had to swap the leaky faucet in the customer bathroom at the club’s diner. Chef would have done it, but he was the early shift, and the part came in. Did you eat? I can grab you something if you’re hungry.”

“No, I’m good,” I replied. I had grabbed a plate with the rest of the club and forced myself to sit at a table during dinner.

“You lying to me?”

“Why would I lie about food?” I might have mishandled some situations, but I wasn’t a liar.

“Just checkin’. I’m going to grab dinner since I’m here anyway, but if you want me to bring you something, I can.”

“No, seriously, I’m good.” I continued to watch the girl.

I didn’t know if it was because I had done something similarly stupid, but I knew she was throwing out her best moves.

When they didn’t land the way she wanted them to, she tried harder, and it just reeked of desperation.

I didn’t want to be reminded that the club thought of me in the same light as I was thinking about her.

If this was the way the entire night was going to go, I was leaving.

“Hey, Jon? Do you think it would be okay if I went out and worked on the desk? I don’t feel like sitting here, watching this week’s episode of terrible reality TV. ”

“You don’t have to ask me. If you feel like it, go. No one’s going to stop you.”

“Okay, I think I’m going to do that.” I stood from my spot and made my way across the bar to the kitchen door.

“I have said nothing, because you’ll just deny it, but I’m proud of you. Really proud, Mer.”

I scowled at the phone, but before I could retort, the call went dead in my hand.

“Ugh, you’re insufferable,” I whispered.

Heading out to the garage, I couldn’t help putting an extra hop into my step.

We hadn’t worked on the desk since Christmas, and suddenly, the urge to restore the flaws into something beautiful was too strong to resist.

Walking into the garage, I took off my sweatshirt and pulled the supplies from the back cabinet. Gloves on my hands, I grabbed the sand paper and happily made small circles like Grizz had taught me. The noise was soothing as I lost myself in the monotony.

I didn’t hear Grizz, but I saw a gigantic shadow moving around out of the corner of my eye. I stopped, stood up, and watched him plop his ass on the counter. “Hey,” I called softly.

“Hey, baby.” He leaned against the wall, dangling his legs over the edge.

“Is that sturdy enough? You’re a big boy.” I had never shied away from the size jokes, so I didn’t see any reason to start now. Grizz was huge, bearlike, but it wasn’t how he had earned his road name.

He pushed his hands down onto the counter like he was checking. “It could use a shock test.”

I walked towards him, dropping the sandpaper and taking off the gloves. “Have you test driven it? There are plenty of short skirts in the clubhouse who would be willing,” I said, standing between his legs with my hands on his thighs.

He slid closer to the edge and wrapped his tree trunks around my hips. “Is this what it feels like?” he asked me. “Baby, this is sexier when you do it.”

I didn’t respond.

He tried to slide further down the back wall, but he was so large, it only pushed his legs away from me. It wouldn’t happen, but he tried a few more positions before giving up, eventually wrapping his arms around me in a bear hug. “Much better.”

“Do you want to help me?” I asked, pointing towards the desk.

“Nah. I was thinking you could tell me about you.”

“What do you want to know?”

“Everything.”

I turned away from him, sliding the gloves back on. I wasn’t sure I was ready for this conversation, but he had told me his history the last time we were out here, and so it was only fair to tell him mine. Picking up the sandpaper from the floor, I went back to work before the words flowed.

“You know I lost my mom at five. I don’t remember what she looked like without a picture.

There are other things too, like the way she laughed.

I can’t pinpoint the sound without home videos.

Sometimes I wonder if the few memories I have are real or based on what I was told, and there’s no point in asking my dad or my aunt. It would just cause them pain.”

“I don’t think Aunt E would see it like that. Have you talked to her recently about your mom?”

“No. I won’t drop any more of this trauma into her lap. She has enough of her own shit going on.” I continued to sand, watching the dust fall through the air like snowflakes.

“You have friends, Mer,” he pushed. “Hell, Grace might like to reminisce.”

“Smooth, Romeo. I can’t deal with Grace’s feelings while I’m trying to get my head back on straight. I know it hurts her, but it’s too much for me. One day, I’ll open that door, but for now, it’s a no.”

“Okay, but what about Stella and Charlie? You’re the third musketeer, and they hound me for updates. I didn’t know what to say, so I just told them you weren’t doing well. If I don’t send at least one proof of life picture a week, they call.” Grizz chuckled.

“Sounds like them. After my mom died, I hardly spoke, thinking that if I was good, she’d come back.

My dad didn’t push me, but that didn’t sit well with my first grade teacher.

She tried everything to get me to talk, including sitting Stella next to me.

Stella’s too nice to be ignored, and every day she’d talk my ear off, even if I didn’t respond.

She did it so long, I cracked. Stella and Charlie were next-door neighbors, so they adopted me as the third wheel.

” I sighed. “Please don’t let them visit. ”

“I won’t, but you’re going to have to give them something soon before they show up at the gate. If they do, I won’t turn them away.” He slid his neck back, further leaning against the back wall. “I’m not sure I won’t explode, but I want to know about Brandon.”

“Why?” Brandon was the past, and I had buried the shit six-feet deep.

“I need to know what came before me, so that there’s never anyone after me. You’re mine, and I know it’s rough now, but it won’t always be like this.”

“Are you sure? What if it is?” I stopped pretending to work and stared at him. I couldn’t move closer, but I didn’t feel like we were miles apart.

“It won’t be. I’m here to support you however you need.” He cracked his knuckles, placing them across his stomach as he stared at me.

His confidence in us sparked something deep within my chest. “Emily’s nice.” She’d been better than I expected.

“Yeah, she is, but she’s Zook’s, before you get any bright ideas. You’re still mine, baby.”

“I talked to her about my situation. There’s no change with the bank, and she said you’ve been paying for the condo.

Thank you.” We stared at each other from across the garage.

“I’m not sure where this is all going, but I wanted you to know I’m trying.

” I took a step forward and then stopped.

“Do you honestly want to know about Brandon? I’ll tell you, but you can’t lose your shit.

I mean it, Grizz,” I said, not sure where the words had come from.

Brandon wasn’t a topic I ever wanted to discuss again.

“I want to know how I can help you move forward, and he’s a part of the unresolved past. Kind of wish I would have gotten the chance to beat his ass, but a little too late now.”

“I told Emily some of this, so that she’d understand why I fell under his spell.” My feet shifted forward, and when I was close enough to the counter, I plopped my ass on top of it. Sitting next to Grizz, I matched his position.

“I met him at a country club function. I was hanging out with Stella when he approached our table. How I ever thought he was smooth, I don’t know, but he was the first man to look at me twice, and when he said all the right things, I thought it was the fairytale I’d always wanted.

” I looked straight ahead, not really seeing anything.

The heat from Grizz’s body against my side was comforting.

“You think I’m a runner because my life got a little too close to Grace’s, but that’s not what happened at all.

If Matt hadn’t been cheating, I don’t think Grace would have ever woken up to how bad her marriage was.

It’s just in her personality to put everyone else first, and Matt took advantage.

That’s the difference. Sabre doesn’t let anyone walk on Grace, including him.

They’re equals in their relationship.” Grizz held my hand, encouraging me to keep talking.

“I should have left Brandon before it became so serious, but I told myself that the red flags weren’t so bad.

It wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle, not realizing I was conforming to his standards.

Brandon told me I was too loud, so I lowered my volume.

If he needed me at this restaurant, dressed a certain way, I did it.

I tried to fight back, but he always won the argument.

I told myself that’s what couples do. They support each other.

By the time he proposed, I was so used to working around him, I didn’t even think twice about it anymore.

I just did it, breaking another piece of my soul, not knowing why love felt so awful.

” A dark chuckle escaped me. “I’m not jealous of Grace, but I refuse to be something I’m not to make someone else happy. ”

“You can be as loud as you want because I refuse to lose you in the silence.” He brought my hand up to his lips and kissed my knuckles.

The silence in the garage surrounded us.

“Want to get married?”

I turned to look at Grizz, and he was looking back at me with a huge grin. I hit him in the arm, but I was sure it hurt me more than it did him.