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Nightmares of the Past

M eredith

I couldn’t remember the last time I had slept through the night.

Smacking my pillow twice, I kept shifting until I found a comfortable spot.

It never lasted long. I turned to my right again, plumping the pillow underneath my head.

I was asleep, but my mind never silenced the constant thoughts attacking me.

A hairy arm wrapped around my waist, pulling me back against a muscular chest.

“You’re safe, baby.” Grizz’s love language was physical touch, and the man had no problem showing it.

The intense contact at the beginning of our relationship had shocked me.

He had always touched me, no matter what was going on.

If we had watched a movie, he had draped an arm over me.

If we had gone somewhere, he had held my hand or placed one of his own on my back.

So much contact was unfamiliar to me, and it had made me uncomfortable, even though he hadn’t intended it.

“You need to warn someone when you’re going to swing that much man meat around,” I had joked, not wanting to show my discomfort.

“I’m a big man.” He had cocked his eyebrow at me, raising it a few times. “You fit perfectly against me, and I want to remember how you feel when we’re apart. If it reminds you that you’re mine, I’m good with that, too.”

Grizz could have benched pressed me if he wanted to. Six-feet-two inches, two hundred and fifty pounds of solid muscle. Big boy was an understatement, but he had never made me feel small or unseen, like I had been most of my life.

Fighting against my subconscious, my memories swallowed me whole, dragging me back to the morning everything changed.

I had been standing in front of the refrigerator with the door open.

“I have milk, but I don’t think there’s enough cereal.

The eggs are expired, but we might still have enough for burritos,” I had called towards the bedroom.

“How do you take care of yourself when I’m not here?” He had walked into the living room, wearing only a pair of jeans as he towel-dried his long hair.

“We’re not getting married.” I had bent over at the waist, moving the milk to the side, when I had felt him wrap his bicep around my waist. Pulling me from the refrigerator, he had plopped me over the kitchen island, face down, ass up.

“You don’t have to remind me, Tef. I have to give you a proper proposal before you’ll even think about it.” I had only worn one of his t-shirts, and he had smacked the globe of my ass. The sound had vibrated around us.

“If you call me Tef, it’s an instant no. I hate that name.” I had tried to stand up, but he’d trapped me between his body and the counter.

“No, you hate that I’m right. You float through life, Mer, because everything seems to bounce off of you but me.” His fists had appeared on either side of my head.

“I don’t feel you bouncing.” I had wiggled my ass against his dick. Hearing the zipper of his jeans, I had given in, craving that connection, needing to feel something real.

“Brat,” he had whispered in my ear as he entered me.

I had lain on the counter, bent in half, as the last screams had left the back of my throat.

Grizz had pulled out of me, smacked my ass again, and told me to get dressed. “I’m hungry, and your pussy only satisfies one craving,” he had said.

The memory faded as I tried to push against his arm, creating a little space. I felt trapped, and if I couldn’t break his hold, I’d wake up in a panic. He must have felt me move against him but misunderstood the signal. His arm tightened around my waist.

You’re asleep. Stay asleep. It’s just Grizz. You’re safe. I replayed each statement over and over in my mind, hoping it reached the dark recesses. Grizz’s warmth should have soothed me, but I felt like I was suffocating. His arm was too tight. The air was too thick.

“Hey, Sweet Cheeks.”

My mind jumbled, and all I saw was Pulse, looking at me through the rear-view mirror.

“You paying attention back there?” He snickered, blowing me a kiss.

“You’re dead. This is just a bad dream.” I flipped my hair over my shoulder. “I distinctly remember my belt around your fucking neck.”

“You’ve always been a bitch, but someone’s tapped into their inner biker.”

“Not sure who you’re calling a bitch. My metaphorical balls are bigger than yours.” I clicked my tongue against my teeth loudly to annoy him.

The car smelled like stale hamburgers as we drove down the highway. I checked the passenger’s seat to see how Aunt Elizabeth was holding up, but as I started to say something, the image in front of me shuffled. She was gone.

“Where’s my aunt? She was just there.” I didn’t want him to hear the terror in my voice.

He hadn’t broken me in the first kidnapping, and I wouldn’t give him the power to do it again in my hallucinations.

I waved my hand around, but when I tried to lean forward, the seat belt strapped me to my chair.

“I run through your worst nightmares, and each time you think you’re rid of me, I just up the ante.” He waved the gun in his hand around.

“This is just a bad dream,” I whispered to myself. My wrists suddenly felt stiff, and I wasn’t sure why, but when I went to stretch them, I couldn’t. The pressure was building, and I didn’t have any way to relieve it. I could still raise my hands, but I didn’t have any manual dexterity.

Pulse threw his head back, cackling at my predicament. “Like a dirty game of poker.”

“What did you do?” I wouldn’t play another one of his games, but as I processed my situation, zip ties materialized out of thin air. The straps wrapped around my wrists, crossing in the center. “Handcuffs would have been better.”

“You would have liked that too much, and I’m only interested in your pain. There’s no happy ending here.”

“Fuck off.” I needed him to be distracted so I could test the strength of the ties. I threw my head back and made sure my fake laugh bounced around the car. “You’re dead. I killed you. This is just a bad dream,” I reminded myself again.

“You’re so cute when you think you’re right, but we both know the truth.

There’s unresolved business because you’re grieving me, but like a dumb bitch, you can’t even do that.

You didn’t last long in denial and went straight to anger.

Didn’t you know you were supposed to bargain? My life for yours.”

“Why would I ever offer my life for yours, cousin?” I retorted, not wanting him to think he had won.

Experimenting with my range of motion, I could reach out in front of me, but I couldn’t raise my arms. The seat belt was too constricting.

If I had any hope of gaining momentum to break the ties, I’d have to pull my hands apart.

“The club likes me better than you. I bet if you sacrificed yourself for me, no one would put up a fight.” He drummed his fingers against the steering wheel.

“You’re lying. Grizz will always come for me.

” I honestly believed that. He would mount up a rescue party, and there would be hell to pay when he got a hold of Pulse.

I tried to pull the zip ties apart, but I didn’t have enough momentum.

They dug into my skin, and I’d have bruises by the time this was over, but I wasn’t giving up.

“Nope. In this reality, he’s already moved on. It was awfully quick, but he knocked up the new club girl with the pink hair.”

I laid my hands in my lap and tried to turn my head to look out the window.

I didn’t have enough range of motion to see, and I needed to know that Grizz was coming.

He would have never left me for some pink-haired bitch.

Not with all the times he had told me he loved me, wanted to marry me, save me.

Closing my eyes, I listened for the distinct hum of the bikes, but all I heard was the car’s engine as the tires rolled down the highway.

“No one’s behind us. They’re not coming for you.”

“Grizz will come for me,” I said with conviction. I refused to believe anything else.

“Why would he want damaged goods? You’ve failed at the most basic womanly function, and now he’s going to have a kid of his own with Sparkles. No one cares enough to rescue you, Sweet Cheeks, and I’m going to have so much fun breaking you in.”

“Like fuck you will.” The seatbelt sprang open, and I slid forward in my chair. Wrapping the middle of the zip ties around his neck, I pulled as hard as I could.

The car went dark, and all I heard was “no” ringing in my ears.

“No,” I moaned. “No, Grizz is coming.” My stomach rumbled as I tossed and turned.

“No. Let me go.” I laid on my back, and my eyes shot open to stare at the ceiling.

Where am I? I couldn’t catch my breath, and the panic was settling in.

Even kicking as fast and as hard as I could, I couldn’t free myself.

Feeling trapped all over again, I screamed. “No! No, Grizz is coming.”

My stomach violently rumbled, and I could feel it snaking up my throat. I had to get up. I had to save myself.

Finally, I broke free of the covers and ran for the bathroom, barely making it before I prayed to the porcelain goddess.

“Baby?”

I barely heard him over the splashes of dinner landing at the bottom of the toilet.

“Baby? It’s alright. Get it out.” I felt my hair being tied into a knot so that it wouldn’t touch the back of my neck. I heaved one last time before I collapsed. Laying on the bathroom tile, I brought my knees up to my chest.

“It’s just me, baby. I’m right here.”

Grizz.

He placed a cool towel on my forehead and gathered me into his arms so that his body curled around mine on the floor. “He can’t hurt you anymore.”

“No one wants you.” Pulse’s words echoed in my head.

“You should let me go,” I whispered into the silent universe surrounding us.

“Never,” Grizz whispered into my hair.

“Can I ask you something?” I was barely coherent, but I had a burning question I needed answered, and I had decided now was the best time.

He said nothing, but his hand tightened around my waist, pulling me closer to him.

I took it as a sign to continue, no matter what the answer was. “When did you stop calling me Tef?”

“Right after your release from the hospital. I was so grateful you were alive, I stopped. You hate it, and I wasn’t about to make you run from me when I had just gotten you back. Baby works.”