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Piecing Myself Together

M eredith

I lay in bed with the covers pulled up to my chin as I watched Grizz get ready for the day.

He dragged his jeans over his tight ass, and I said nothing.

This had never been us, and I wondered who these people were in our places.

I didn’t have to ask how we had gotten here—I knew.

I didn’t have the answers on how to fix the void we had created.

I opened my mouth, and the words flew out before I recognized what was happening. “You know you’re supposed to jiggle, right?”

“Huh?” He turned his upper body to look at me over his shoulder.

“You’re supposed to jiggle it, or maybe wiggle. Either way, your ass should have had some movement for my entertainment.”

“Really?” Grizz hadn’t zipped the jeans, and the flaps were wide open.

His buckle hung through the belt loops but clanked every time he shifted.

He’d thrown a white t-shirt on, but it pulled tight across his chest as he faced me, his hands clenched into fists on his hips.

“I’m supposed to entertain you?” His one eyebrow raised on its own.

My lips curled into a smile. “Uh-huh.” I bobbed my head up and down. “I’m not seeing any benefits of marriage, Jonathan.”

“You want—” he spat out. His neck tilted forward towards me as his eyes widened. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing, and truthfully, I didn’t know where any of this was coming from. I was winging it, trying to be someone I wasn’t sure I could be anymore.

“You marry someone while they’re unconscious. You lure them to your room in the clubhouse. And you’re not even showing your assets? Trust me, no one wants to miss the goods.” I pulled my good hand out from underneath the covers and waved it around aimlessly.

He smirked at me before raising the hem of his t-shirt, teasing a peek at his six-pack abs. “You show me yours, I’ll show you mine.”

I held my smile in place, but I really wanted to pull the covers up over my head. If he couldn’t see me, then we wouldn’t have to talk about the monsters in the room. “Maybe,” I said, definitely meaning no. I couldn’t see a time where I’d ever be comfortable having my scars on display.

He let his t-shirt slide back into place and made a small show of zipping his pants.

Once his belt buckle was done, he crawled over my body until his arms bracketed my head.

Grizz was strong enough to hold his body in a plank position, never touching me.

“One day, baby.” He bent down and whispered in my ear, “The day you beg me will be music to my fucking ears.” He lightly kissed my lips before crawling away from me.

Socks, boots, and then he grabbed his cut off the hook as he walked out the door.

I sighed, my fingers touching my lips, still warm from the kiss he’d lain on me.

I had taken moments like this for granted, but it was becoming too much for me to handle.

Throwing the covers over my head, I wondered if the thoughts would go away if I laid there as still as a statue.

What the fuck just happened? Why do I feel guilty about wanting more?

***

I didn’t know how much time had passed, but I still lay flat on the bed with the covers pulled over my head.

“Me,” I whispered into the room. “If there’s any chance in hell, it has to start with me.

” I raised my arms up and as I brought them back down, I pushed the sheets towards my waist. “I can do this.” Kicking my feet, I waited until the covers reached the bottom of the bed.

“It doesn’t have to be perfect, but you have to try.

” I sat on the edge of the bed, swinging my feet. “Get up.”

If I was going to rebuild my life, I needed to know if the bank was going to come after me legally.

Grizz had told me about Brandon stealing from the cartel in my name, but I’d been too angry to deal with the ramifications at the time.

All I knew was Cyph had been watching the bank foreclose on properties with my name on them.

So far, there had been no mention of my condo or bank accounts.

I slid Grizz’s sweatshirt over my head, tucked my hair into the hoodie, and stood in the hallway.

I thought about knocking on a few doors, but I didn’t know which room was whose.

There would be too many questions, and for once, it felt good to be doing something productive.

I didn’t have enough strength to deal with a bitchy biker.

Giving myself one last pep talk, I whispered, “You’ve built yourself up once before. You can do it again.”

My dad had been my first bully, disguising it as wanting better for me.

He hadn’t been prepared to raise a five-year-old alone, nor had he taken the time to understand me.

I was just another mouth to feed while he mourned the loss of his wife.

To me, love was something I had to earn through perfection—I couldn’t afford to make mistakes, or else someone else might leave, too.

If I colored outside the lines, I had to start over, even if it wasn’t who I was at all.

No exceptions. Over time, being misunderstood felt like failure, and failure meant starting over.

College had prepared me for my first day at my big girl job.

I was the only female designer on the floor, and the men found any reason to nitpick.

It hadn’t mattered if it was about me or about my work.

They tried to knock me down any chance they could, but I had never given them a legitimate reason to.

I had let my work stand for itself, closing several multi-million-dollar clients in my short time there.

I had done it once, and I could do it again.

Heading towards the main room, I stopped at the top of the stairs.

Emily was sitting cross-legged at one table, twirling a piece of hair.

I watched as she read the first page in a stack, moving it to one of the piles scattered on the table when she was done.

If anyone could help me, it was Emily, but I hadn’t really spoken to her, too self-absorbed in my bullshit.

I was about to take the first step down when Zook walked into the main room from the kitchen.

He made a direct beeline for Emily, but she was so engrossed in her reading she didn’t hear him.

Approaching from behind, he wrapped his hand around her throat and tilted her face to the side.

I had to turn away as they kissed, but I snuck glances out of the corner of my eye.

When he pulled away from her, his hand still at her throat, she tugged on his beard.

They were so lost in each other that they didn’t know they had an audience.

Butterflies danced in my stomach as I thought about all the times Grizz had done something similar.

Shutting down those emotions, I waited until Emily was alone and Zook was out the front door before I headed towards her. “Hi,” I said, gripping the back of one chair.

“Hey!” She shifted the papers out of the way. “Come sit with me. I need a break.”

“What are you doing?” I had friends. I’d won over clients, but I wanted to kick my own ass for how stilted I sounded as I pulled the chair back and took a seat.

“I don’t have a license yet, but Count dumped the club’s papers in my lap, and since Zook is heading out on a run, I thought I’d go through this stack. What are you up to?” She stretched, working out the kinks in her back as she unfolded her legs.

“Are those as comfy as they look?” I nodded towards her pants.

“I saw the ad they had in the magazine, but when I went to order, I didn’t think they would be practical.

” This was awkward and getting worse. I wasn’t lying.

I had almost bought the same pair of loungewear, but the price tag had made me think twice.

“They are, but if you order a pair, don’t get the top. It’s not worth it, and I ended up sending mine back.” She shrugged when she noticed me staring at her military t-shirt. “I just wanted to be close to him.”

“It’s okay.” I waved my hand over Grizz’s sweatshirt. “I get it.”

“Emotional support, right? I know Tyler will be fine. He can handle himself, and he has my brother with him, but I’m trying not to run out the front door and beg him to take me with him.

Does the feeling ever get better?” She dropped her hands into her lap and lowered her eyes, embarrassed at admitting she was going to miss her man.

“I don’t know,” I said honestly. “I’m not really the person to answer that.”

Emily made a sound and smiled at me. “Well, we have each other, so that should help.”

“Can I ask you something?”

This was harder than I thought it was going to be, and the shame poured off of me in waves. I couldn’t face her, because I doubted Emily would have ever found herself in this fucked up situation.

“Sure.”

“Did they tell you about my—me?”

“I know some of it, and I think the papers are in this mess somewhere.” She waved her hand over the table. “Why don’t you tell me what you know, and I’ll take notes. I can then go back and compare.” She pulled out a yellow legal pad and uncapped her pen.

My mouth dropped open, but nothing came out.

“I won’t judge.”

I wanted to believe her, but I’d learned a long time ago it was easier to choke in the silence than face the disappointment.

If my sister hadn’t understood me, I wasn’t confident a perfect stranger would.

Contemplating how much of the sordid tale I wanted to tell, I knew there really wasn’t anything Emily could say that I hadn’t heard before.

I swallowed hard, my throat tight, and when I opened my mouth for the second time, the words flowed.

“I’ve always wanted the fairytale. The butterflies in your stomach.

The longing to be with someone every waking second of the day.

Calls just to say you were thinking of them.

That’s how I thought love should be, so when I met Brandon, and he did and said all the right things, I thought it was perfect.

We dated for almost two years before he proposed. ”

“It wasn’t, was it?” she asked me, when I’d gone silent. “Perfect?”

“No.” I sighed, preparing to tell her more.

“At first, it was the small things. I was working my way up at one of the head architectural firms in the city. If I had a business function, he would only show if his schedule was open. If the bank needed him to be present, I had to rearrange my schedule to be the supportive partner. The first couple of times, I threw a fit, but he’d turn the words around to make me feel like I was the bad guy.

We were supposed to be a team, working for a common goal.

Eventually, I stopped fighting, adjusting to whatever I thought would please him—until I stood in front a mirror at my wedding and didn’t recognize the woman staring back. ”

“Did you know Brandon was signing your name as a part owner?”

“No. He didn’t need money. His family is well off, and he was only working to make connections he thought would benefit them.”

Emily chuckled. “That’s how I ended up at Nelson’s. Continue.” She waved her hand at me.

“When I looked for places to live, he wasn’t interested.

If I brought up a budget, he’d tell me to pick.

It made me swoon because I actually thought he was giving me what I wanted.

In fact, when I purchased the condo, he put nothing towards it, although it was supposed to be our starter home.

I’ve paid all the payments. The insurance, everything. I don’t even know if it’s still mine.”

“It is! Grizz has been making the payments.”

“Do you know anything about my car?” I wasn’t ready to unpack my feelings for Grizz. Hurrying on, I finally had the courage to look at Emily. True to her word, I didn’t see any judgement in her expression.

“Highway patrol found it burned, so Cyph downloaded the police report, and your insurance took care of it.”

I felt embarrassed for unloading on Emily without ever having a genuine conversation with her or even getting to know her beyond casual greetings. “I’m sorry for dumping my drama on you. It was unnecessary, but I thought you might have the answers,” I said as I went to stand from the chair.

“Sit.” She wiggled in her chair, reaching out and holding my hand in hers.

“This sucks for you, but it’s not the end of the world.

In fact, I’m going to have fun kicking the bank’s ass,” Emily smirked.

“I’m good, but I don’t know how much damage will occur before it all clears up. ” She squeezed my hand in support.

“I probably lost my job, but they can’t take my license. If I wanted to get back to work, do you think I could?”

“Probably. The work isn’t really a problem.

If you wanted to start in ten minutes, no one’s going to stop you.

However, if you try to collect payment for that work, the bank can see it as income.

” She twirled her pen between her fingers.

“I bet if you wanted to start your own design firm, we could put it under someone else’s name and pay you as an employee.

It’d be legal, as long as all the paperwork is in.

The bank wouldn’t be able to take the money earned through the business because, technically, it wouldn’t be yours. ”

“Okay, thanks.” I squeezed her hand and stood up from the table.

I wasn’t used to people helping me without wanting something in return.

She’d listened to me without rushing or making me feel like I wasn’t worth her time, and I wanted to give her something back.

“I’m glad Zook wised up and didn’t let you walk away for a second time.

” I turned, running back to the safety of Grizz’s room.