Page 55 of Until Tomorrow (Love Doesn’t Cure All: The Ashwood Duet #1)

Not that I didn’t go down that rabbit hole too. Unfortunately, porn also didn’t do it for me. It never had. And now with everything, I was seriously beginning to wonder if it all came down to attraction or whatever the hell I was going through.

And then that led to my secondary rabbit hole of rehashing my conversations with Amelia about what I found attractive about Eva and Elliot. I was painfully aware of how that didn’t align with the norm, and it bothered me. It bothered me something fierce.

“Hey.” Loren’s boot nudged mine. I blinked and glanced up at him. “You’re a million miles away, baby. Want to talk about it?”

“What do you find attractive about people?”

“ Ah . Are we having a mini existential crisis tonight?” The words were said with no malice whatsoever but rather understanding. I liked that about Loren. There was a bluntness in how he spoke that I appreciated.

“Tiny bit,” I admitted. “This is what I get for taking a call from my therapist before this.”

“It’s not a bad thing,” Loren said. “If anything, it gives you the chance to get another perspective as long as you’re willing to talk it out with me.”

“I am.”

“Honestly, I don’t notice one specific thing about someone,” he told me.

“Sometimes it’s physical, sometimes it’s not.

With Katy, it was physical at first—she was and still is the prettiest girl on the playground.

Don’t get me wrong, I love just about every damn thing about her.

She could be wearing a potato sack and I’d still find her gorgeous, but don’t tell her that. ”

“No, I get that.” I chuckled.

“I heard Jack long before I ever saw him,” he continued. “The man’s got the best laugh in the world. You can’t not laugh when he does. He’s just a ball of weird and chaotic sunshine, and I love it. And then there’s you—”

“Oh, you don’t need to tell me,” I interjected quickly. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know what he found attractive about me.

“But you’re adorable!” Loren exclaimed. I felt my face heat up, making him laugh. “To be fair, if it makes you happy, I didn’t initially find you attractive.”

“Thank you.” I wasn’t sure if that was any better.

“I was sleep-deprived and focused on taking care of you. You looked a little lost that first night. But you grew on me. It was a subtle kind of attraction, you know?” I did know.

I nodded, unable to stop the small smile curling my lips.

“I guess my point is, for me, it just varies.

It took me a while to get that to make sense for me.

“I entertained the idea of demisexuality for a while—needing an emotional bond to feel attraction to someone—but that didn’t fit, considering I knew Jack for about thirty minutes before we hooked up in his hotel room.

And there have been a collection of other guys along the way as well, where there’s minimal connection and casual.

I have a preference for men, not women, if you couldn’t tell.

I love Katy and would use you as a human shield to protect her, but I don’t find too many women who catch my attention. ”

“ Why does this have to be so complicated?” I asked. “I get there’s going to be variations across the board, but when I ask Eva what she finds attractive in men, she says it’s their eyes and arm veins.”

“I mean… that’s fair. Have you seen a nice set of arm veins?”

“All I can think is there’s a nurse out there somewhere who is grateful for that set of arm veins.”

“That’s probably fair.”

“But why am I not like that?” I continued.

Sighing, I sat back in my seat and crossed my arms. “I’ve never been like that.

I’ve always noticed people, you know? Men or women, it didn’t matter.

I never thought twice about it. And objectively, I can tell you people I find attractive, but the longer I sit with it, I’m not attracted to them.

And it takes time… I think. And it’s not physical shit that matters—though, I seem to have a great appreciation for dark hair and blue eyes.

But that could also be because it’s what I’m used to with Eva.

It’s also not an emotional attachment I need because I’m not emotionally invested in you. No offense—”

“None taken, Logan.” He chuckled, except that did nothing to ease my anxiety about saying the words out loud.

“It’s not that I don’t like you, I do,” I rushed to explain. “And I do find you attractive. I’m just…”

“I get it.” He gently pushed on my foot with his to get my attention.

“I’ve had a lot of relationships, so I get it.

I told you, I like to keep things more casual because I can’t do another major emotional investment, especially right now.

What I’ve got is enough in the emotional department.

Admittedly, I like you more than I expected to, but I’m not there either. ”

“I still feel bad,” I muttered.

“Don’t. I have nothing but respect for the fact that you can recognize that about yourself. Leaps and bounds above some people… like Chad,” Loren told me.

“Fucking Chad,” I said under my breath. “I’m sorry. I know this was a lot and not all date night appropriate.”

“You do know that it’s okay not to have a rhyme or reason as to how you find people attractive, right?” he asked instead.

“I…” I blew out a frustrated breath. “I get that, but I still want to know.”

“It’s normal to want to know, but it’s also okay not to drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out.” He leaned over slightly in his chair, and I watched a giant grin take over his face. “Oh, our date’s about to be crashed. Ladies!”

I l ooked over my shoulder to see Eva and Katy practically fall out of a cab, giggling. They looped arms together and magically made it down the street toward us without rolling an ankle in their heels.

“Our boys!” Katy squealed. Letting go of my wife, she practically flung herself at Loren and hugged him tightly. “You smell so good.”

“You’re so handsome,” Eva told me. She reached out, stroking my face. “I love the beard hairs. They’re so soft. I just wanna bury my face in it and take a nap.”

Oh, she was really drunk.

“Did you have fun tonight, honey?” I asked as I took her hand off my face.

“You know what you should do?” she replied instead. “You should be a firefighter. You have the hose for it.”

Loren busted out laughing while I turned red. And this was why Eva didn’t drink often. It obliterated her filter.

“Oh, wait!” Katy exclaimed. She flew off Loren’s lap, and Eva managed to catch her without also falling. She shushed Eva. “They’re on a date. We’re date crashers! Oh! First, the stage incident and now this.”

“What stage incident?” Loren and I asked simultaneously.

“What happens at fire camp, stays at fire camp,” she said very seriously. Eva’s expression mirrored hers until both women broke down giggling. “Oh, but he was cute. I’d slide down his pole.”

“You’d only make it like… halfway down his pole,” Eva retorted. “Unless he stuffed. And if he didn’t… Lord have mercy on the vaginas that have been sacrificed to that kraken.”

“Release the kraken!” Katy cut in, her voice dropping an octave. It sent both of them into another round of giggles. “Okay, well, bye, boys! We have cookies to go get. Enjoy your date!”

“Have you read a Kraken romance novel?” Eva asked as the two walked away. We watched them until they were safely inside. It took only seconds before Loren was tipped back in his chair, laughing hard.

“Oh, she has no filter,” Loren said breathlessly.

“It’s why she doesn’t drink often,” I replied. “She’s either super silly, super sexual, or she makes grown men cry. There’s no middle ground with her.”

“I will round up a group of douchebags to make the last one happen,” he offered immediately.

I just smiled as I glanced inside the shop.

Our girls stood at the café counter, laughing hard and clinging to each other for suppor t.

While I was thrilled she was having a great time, I also worried about her going home alone.

“I think as much as I’d love to finish our date, I also can’t just let her leave by herself,” I told him. “At some point, those two will go their separate ways.”

“Don’t worry. I already had the same thought. What do you say to a rain check for the second half of our date, and we go join our ladies? I’d rather be safe than sorry.”

“Agreed.” I grabbed the dishes, and he grabbed the game. We made fast work of clearing off our table and tossing out our trash before going inside.

“Okay, ladies! Who wants to play a game?” Loren asked playfully as we joined them. I sat next to Eva while Loren picked a spot between me and Katy.

His knee bumped against mine, and I put my hand on his thigh, giving it a light squeeze.

Loren grinned but never looked away from Eva and Katy as they rambled on and on about what game to play.

His fingers traced my knuckles in featherlight touches that had my nerves tingling.

And all of it did nothing for how badly I wanted the man.