Page 21 of Until Tomorrow (Love Doesn’t Cure All: The Ashwood Duet #1)

Logan

Despite being in a lobby full of people, I felt alone and stuck inside my head.

I hugged a wall as I organized the thoughts in my head.

Shortly after the presentation ended, everyone filed out—Eva included—with the promise of finding me in a bit.

I didn’t mind. I needed a moment to think. Or like a month with them.

Maybe a lifetime? Who really knew?

I grounded myself by watching Eva comfortably talk with Amelia. I had so many questions about how the two of them had met. How had this been the road Eva ended up on?

Did she want this? Genuinely and honestly. Could she handle a life where I was with her and someone else?

Could I?

Every question led to another one without offering many answers. The only real answer I had was the understanding that I didn’t want a life without Eva. I was miserable—more miserable than I had imagined I’d be. If there was even a chance for some kind of way to… what? Have both?

Shit. And there my mind went with the wild thoughts all over again. How did something like this even work? Was I cut out for this? Anxiety-wise, I wasn’t sure I could.

“Logan, right?” Loren’s voice pulled me from getting stuck inside my head all over again. He stopped in front of me. When I frowned, he said with a laugh, “Eva talked a lot about you when we took her out to a drag queen karaoke night.”

Drag queen karaoke night? What had she been up to? That didn’t sound like something Eva would do.

“It’s nice to meet you.” Because what else was I going to say? I offered a hand, which he shook.

“You look like you don’t know what to do with yourself,” he said. “Why don’t you come outside with me? I need a smoke, and we could chat for a bit.”

“About what?” I asked tightly, feeling the red flag rise.

“Don’t get tense on me now, big guy,” Loren replied. He clapped me on the shoulder, and I froze momentarily. I didn’t know the guy at all. Still, his arm slid around me as he turned me. “Been there, questioned that, you’re not as alone as you’re feeling right now. Let’s have a chat, okay?”

“She told you?” Shit, who else had she told? I didn’t want to have this conversation surrounded by a room full of people I didn’t know. With a fleeting glance back at Eva, I let him lead me outside.

“Not quite. But I did catch part of the conversation she had with Foxy when she started crying,” he explained. God, that made me feel like crap. “Don’t worry. She was well taken care of.”

“That doesn’t make me feel any better about it,” I said. Not in the least. It should’ve been me taking care of her. Even if I was the cause of it all.

“Don’t beat yourself up about it,” Loren said.

He pulled away and leaned against the rail, taking out a cigarette and lighting it.

He inhaled deeply, blowing out the smoke slowly.

Me? I paced because I didn’t know what to do with the anxious energy coursing through my veins.

“Let me ask you something. Have you talked to anyone? Besides dropping this on your wife?”

“I don’t…” I cleared my throat. I didn’t what ? It wasn’t any of his business, but I’d heard his story too. Besides him, who else did I have to talk to? “I’m not good at talking about my feelings.”

“Welcome to an entire generation of men,” he scoffed. Amen to that. “Start with the facts. We’ll go from there. Have you talked to anyone?”

“No.” That was mostly a fact. Talking to Mr. Burke had been glossing over the details. “I don’t… I don’t know who I’m supposed to talk to. A bartender suggested a therapist.”

“Honestly, that’s probably a good start.”

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

“ You know, the great thing about sexuality and relationships is that they’re exactly like every other part of life,” Loren replied. “There’s no one way to do anything. You can define both exactly how you want to.”

“That doesn’t help!” I exclaimed in frustration. “I can’t work in abstracts like that. I need something concrete. I need direction.”

“Okay.” He nodded slowly. My outburst probably made me sound like I was losing my mind to him.

“Let’s look at it this way. I build houses, and the great thing is you can literally make a house out to be whatever the fuck you want it to be.

But— but— the framework is always the same.

You start from the bottom up: build the foundation, put up the frame…

and so on and so forth. I won’t bore you with those details.

Instead of overthinking it, you need to simplify it. You have an interest in men, correct?”

“That feels like it’s putting it too simply, but yes.”

“Have you done anything about it?”

“I asked Eva—”

“No, I know that,” he interrupted, “but that’s not what I’m asking. As far as satisfying your curiosity, have you done anything? Talked to men? Dated men? Had sex with men?”

“I asked my wife for a divorce, and that’s the only thing I’ve done,” I reiterated.

Maybe I was being a little difficult. I sighed.

That was the last thing I wanted to be, considering he was going out of his way to talk this through with me.

I leaned against the rail beside him and crossed my arms. Quietly, I admitted, “I’m scared. ”

“Why?”

“Eva and I have been together pretty much since the day we met. We weren’t dating at the time, but she’s my Katy,” I told him in terms I knew he’d understand.

“We were eleven when we met. I’m closing in on forty.

My whole life has been one way, and it’s all I know.

And now… I feel like I took a deck of cards and chucked it into the wind for the worst game of fifty-two card pick up in history. ”

“That’s an accurate assessment.” He laughed.

“Look, I wasn’t as old as you are, but I was set where I was at.

I was comfortable. I know I talked casually about it in there, but at the time, it was hard.

It’s fucking terrifying when life is going one way and then it changes.

But when that happens, we’ve got choices to make.

We can run from the changes at a cost to our own identity, or we can get damn comfortable with being uncomfortable. ”

“I don’t like the sound of that.” Not at all.

“You’re not supposed to.”

“ I’m uncomfortable. I’m miserable. I miss my wife. I want to understand… all of this and know… am I bisexual? Is this just… some fluke of a moment?”

“Don’t cheapen it,” Loren cut me off, his tone sharp.

“Society has a way of trying real fucking hard to cheapen sexuality into the idea that it could’ve been a fleeting mistake.

It doesn’t work like that. If it’s there, it’s a thing.

It’s not a drunken mistake or whatever. You can’t run from it, no matter how much you want to.

If you’re curious enough to end a twenty-something-year relationship, you’re not that curious, Logan.

To some extent, you are attracted to men.

What that looks like for you is what you have to figure out. ”

“That’s the part that stresses me out,” I said. Stressed me out was an understatement, but he didn’t need to know about my anxiety.

“Yeah. Dealing with the unknown will do that to you. Give me your phone,” he ordered, holding out his hand.

I did and unlocked it for him. I watched as he put in his phone number without asking me.

“For as alone as you feel, you’re not. I know the younger generations often have a handle on figuring their sexuality out young, but that doesn’t mean they’re the only ones.

It can happen at any age, and lucky for you, I know people.

If you ever want to talk, I’m around. And if not me… again, I know people.”

“You don’t have to,” I told him quietly. His willingness to help threw me off. Why?

“I know, but I want to,” Loren said as he gave back my phone.

“And for what it’s worth, if I were you, I’d have a long conversation with Eva about changing up your marriage.

I think you owe it to yourself to have the conversation.

You wouldn’t still be here if you weren’t open to the idea of it.

There’s no reason you can’t be with her and work on figuring out your interest in men as long as both of you are on the same page.

She’s good people. Better than most. I don’t know too many who, if they were in your position, their partner would be as willing as she is.

Her and Katy have spent hours on the phone talking about this. ”

I knew just how good Eva was.

“They have?”

“Yeah.” He chuckled. “There was a whole day Katy had me calling Jack to ask questions while she damn near interrogated Avery on behalf of Eva. Something about a binder or some shit.”

That made me laugh.

“ Sounds like Eva,” I stated. She was the queen of organizing things. I adored that about her. It made life easier. “Thank you.”

“No need to thank me,” he said. “Just give yourself a little grace, Logan. I’m a firm believer that we’re always figuring out who we are, but some moments test us, you know?

This is one of those moments. The harder you are on yourself, the more difficult the process will be.

There ain’t nothing wrong with you. You’re just growing. ”

Just growing. It felt a lot more complicated than just growing. The anxiety that coiled around my chest, making it uncomfortable to breathe, agreed.

“There you are,” Eva interrupted the conversation as she came outside. I offered her a small smile.

“And that’s my cue!” Loren announced. He snuffed out his cigarette with his boot before offering me a hand one more time. “Good to meet you, Logan. I meant what I said. Hit me up anytime you need to chat. Eva, my dear!”

He turned from me to offer Eva an awkward hug around the massive tote bag she had on her shoulder.

“Good to see you,” she told him.

“Always. Don’t be a stranger,” he replied. “Have a good night, you two.”

“Thank you, Loren,” Eva called after him as he went back inside. The two of us were left in an uncomfortable silence. I could see how she silently steeled herself for whatever came next.

Loren was right. I did owe it to myself to have this conversation with her.

Moreover, I owed it to her.

“Let’s go talk,” I said softly. For as composed as she was trying to be, I didn’t miss the surge of emotions in those pretty eyes.

I slid my hand under the strap of her tote bag and slipped it off her shoulder.

Good Lord, what the hell was in the bag?

She rolled out her shoulders with a small sigh of relief.

“You tell me where you want to go, and I’ll drive. ”

“Okay,” she replied.

I held out my hand. Her fingers laced through mine, and I clung to her. I wasn’t a praying man, but as I let her lead the way across campus, I said one with the hope that we could make this work.