Page 36 of Until Tomorrow (Love Doesn’t Cure All: The Ashwood Duet #1)

Logan

“I don’t know how to describe it,” I repeated, my head tipping back against the chair as I sighed in frustration.

I sat in Amelia’s office for another therapy session.

I worked around her schedule, letting her fit me in where she could.

Mr. Burke was kind enough to work with me, knowing the shit I was going through and knowing that I always made up for it.

“Well, first and foremost,” Amelia began, “I need to remind you that you’ve been at this for a little while. And in that time, you’ve gone out with Chad once and Emerson twice. The sample size you’re working with, Logan, isn’t very big. Have you tried arranging more dates?”

Outside of our random late-night conversations when stuck at work, I had gone on a second date with Emerson. And Ernie. Again, it was nice. He was a nice guy, he was attractive, but nothing.

Chad’s entire existence had been a complete turn-off, so I knew why I wasn’t attracted to him.

It all left me wondering if that one moment with Elliot had gotten so far in my head that it fucked with my anxiety and left me thinking things about myself that weren’t true.

“With who?” I asked. “Okay, yes, there’s Tumble , but it’s just… I can’t connect with people on there. Eva and I have always had a deep connection, even when we were young. Elliot and I have a connection. I can’t… I’m a lawyer who doesn’t have the words to make this make sense.”

“ Let me ask you this: when you look at your wife, what is it about her that you’re attracted to?”

“Physically?” I frowned. Was there a right answer for this? My anxiety ran rampant with the best way to answer this question, which was dumb, considering this was therapy. There were no wrong answers—at least, according to her.

“Whatever comes to mind first,” she said.

“Her fire,” I replied without thinking. That much was easy. I’d been pulled in by her fire from the moment I met her. “She’s… strong and independent, but not in the way people think of strong, independent women. She’s gone through so much, and it just shows, if that makes sense.”

“Would you still find those qualities attractive and find Eva attractive if she were a man?” Amelia asked.

Her question made me falter. Honestly, I’d never thought about it. I couldn’t imagine my wife as a man, which made it hard to answer. I just shrugged.

“And what about Elliot? What do you find attractive about him?”

“Oh.” I blew out a long breath of air, stalling. God, I hated therapy. I liked therapy because Amelia was good at what she did, but I also hated most of the questions she asked. “I don’t know… he’s just… Elliot.”

“That’s not an answer, Logan,” Amelia said. “You’re attracted to Eva’s fire, strength, and independence. What are you attracted to in Elliot?”

The woman was relentless, even if I didn’t want to think about what I found attractive in my best friend.

“Elliot’s just… fuck. This is going to sound pathetic.”

“No one is judging you here.”

“ I’m judging me.” I was. Painfully hard.

“We’ll work on that,” she promised.

“Of course,” I muttered. “Elliot’s just… he’s sunshine. Does that even make sense? I don’t know. Elliot’s always been this calm and steady bright spot in my life. He’s so unapologetically himself.”

Fire and sunshine. Apparently, I was attracted to things that could burn me.

“And Emerson?”

“I’m not attracted to Emerson,” I told her. “He’s attractive. I’m not saying he’s not, but I’m just not… attracted to him. He’s a good guy—good-looking, nice enough, I like his dog. I should be attracted to him. Isn ’t that how being bisexual works? Being attracted to both men and women?”

So, why didn’t I fit? I wasn’t attracted to men and women. Not really. I was attracted to very specific men and women. Was I even bi-curious at this point?

“Don’t get too ahead of yourself, Logan,” she cut me off as if she knew what I was thinking. “I’ll be taking a leave of absence for the next few weeks to deal with a family emergency, so we won’t be able to meet, but I want you to do something for me.”

“Okay,” I replied slowly, feeling the small ebb of panic weasel its way into my chest.

“I want you to talk to people,” she said.

Damn it. I wasn’t good at talking to people.

“On the dating app and in public. At the end of every day, I want to note every person you’ve talked to, and I want you to write down if you find yourself attracted to them.

And if you’re attracted to them, I want you to write down what it is that you find attractive, okay? ”

“And this will help me? Do you do this for everyone?”

“You’re a concrete person, Logan. To be completely upfront, I’m a mile ahead of you right now, but you need to get there in your own time and at your own pace.

” Amelia smiled. Well, shit. I wanted to know what she knew.

“This list is something for you to look at and see how you feel attraction to others. Think of it as a stepping stone. It’s going to be work—”

“I don’t mind doing the work if it’ll help,” I interrupted. She was right. I liked concrete things I could see and make sense of.

“I know, and that’s why I know you’ll do this. But don’t stress over it.”

“That’s easier said than done,” I scoffed.

“I know,” she said. “But dating—for all its Chads and mediocre dates—is meant to be enjoyable. Let yourself enjoy it, Logan. I know trying to understand your sexuality and where you fit in the world is confusing. But your sexuality isn’t what defines you.

The people who care about your sexuality don’t matter, and the people who matter don’t care about your sexuality. They care about you for who you are.”

“Yeah, but it feels like a big deal,” I said.

“It is a big deal,” she agreed. “Understanding yourself is a big deal, but it isn’t a big deal for the people around you. Didn’t you already learn that Eva won’t love you any less because of your sexuality?”

“Yes.”

“ And do you honestly think Elliot would care about you less if you told him?”

“No.” I sighed. “No, he wouldn’t.”

A fact that Eva liked to gently remind me of from time to time.

I wasn’t worried about Elliot caring any less about me.

That’d never happen. I just worried about how our friendship would change if he figured out the inciting incident to this whole damn journey was him trying to kiss me.

I didn’t know how to handle that—I wasn’t ready to handle that.

“I know it’s scary, and I know it’s a process.

For some people, it takes years, and even then, they still don’t figure it out,” Amelia said, and I groaned.

I didn’t want that. “I know you want answers here and now, but I just want to make sure you’re prepared for the fact that it doesn’t work that way. ”

“I know. I appreciate it,” I whispered.

“What makes a guy attractive to you?” I asked Eva as we cooked dinner.

Well, she cooked dinner and made me sit at the island out of the way.

We hadn’t cooked for ourselves in years.

Everything was takeout or meal plans. Before that, our cooking skills were that of creative ramen endeavors and simple shit.

Watching her attempt to make a full meal was endearing—though the color of the vegetables gave me concern if I was being honest. “Like what about them is something that you’re attracted to? ”

“Oh.” Her lips pursed together as she considered the question. I was stuck on my therapy session and curious about what she’d have to say as it applied to her. “Eyes followed very closely by arm veins.”

“Arm veins?” I repeated stupidly. Who noticed arm veins on anyone?

“Arm veins make me go a little bit stupid, sweetheart,” she said. “I wouldn’t say I have a particular body type, but the eyes always get me every time. You have very pretty eyes.”

“Well, thank you,” I replied, more perplexed than I thought I’d be. That was nowhere near the same concept as what I’d told Amelia.

“Why do you ask?”

“It was something we were talking about in therapy today,” I told her.

She made a small sound but said nothing else.

Eva was always very careful not to ask questions about my therapy.

“She’s helping me figure out what I find a ttractive in people.

I’ve been on two dates with Emerson. He’s a good guy, he’s attractive, and…

nothing. I’m not attracted to him at all. I don’t understand why.”

“Well.” She stopped cutting meatballs to look at me. “It’s okay if you aren’t. You know that, right?”

“I do, but I’m having a hard time with this whole…

dating thing,” I admitted. “You look at guys and think… oh, they have nice eyes and arm veins, I’m attracted to them.

I don’t look at people that way. I look at people and can objectively see why they’re attractive, but I’m not just randomly attracted to them.

Does everyone do that? Is there something wrong with me? ”

That was the question on repeat in my head. It felt like there was something wrong with me, no matter what Amelia told me.

“There’s nothing wrong with you, Logan,” Eva assured me quickly. “Attraction is different for everyone. Why don’t you ask Elliot? Maybe he can offer some insight. Maybe hearing what he’s attracted to will help?”

“Because he doesn’t have a clue what’s happening,” I reminded her.

“No, I know that,” she replied. “But you can easily say it was a conversation that came up, and you were curious about his response since he bailed on dinner tonight.”

Elliot was supposed to join us for Eva’s first big cooking endeavor.

Because he’d helped her make the list, she wanted him here.

But an old hook-up of his was in town for the night, and Elliot wanted to see him.

While Eva was quick to tell him to go enjoy his night, I knew her well enough to know she wasn’t okay with it.

“You’re still mad about that, aren’t you?”

“Not at all.”

“You’re a terrible liar,” I said.

“Text Elliot while I finish up cooking.” She waved her wooden spoon at me.

“You’re a bossy little thing.” I chuckled as I took out my phone.

“Oh, you like it,” Eva replied with a smile. I did. I fell silent, watching her cook while I did as she told me to.

Got a minute?

ELI : For you? Maybe.

Jackass.

ELI : Loooove you. What do you need?

What about a guy makes you attracted to them?

ELI : Oooh… I want to make a dick joke so bad.

How many guys just have their dick hanging out when you meet them?

The second I sent that question, I regretted it. He’d tell me, and I wouldn’t want to know.

Nevermind. Don’t answer that. I don’t want to know.

ELI : Lol. I won’t.

ELI : I’m a goner for a good smile. Weirdly, I also have a height thing—I like taller guys.

You’re 6’4”, Eli. Where are you finding guys taller than you?

ELI : Not TALLER. Just TALL. I’m a glorious beast of a man. My height is often unrivaled.

I scoffed, shaking my head. Yeah, that sounded about right for Elliot.

Your ego too.

ELI : Touché.

ELI : But his voice will seal the deal every time.

I have no idea what that means.

ELI : You ever have someone just open their mouth and you hear their voice and go damn?

Do you mean when they open their mouth and the stupid comes out? Because I’ve experienced that.

ELI : No, no. Hell, for a one-night stand, I can work with stupid. They make ball gags for a reason.

Why are we friends?

ELI : Because we both know too much at this point.

ELI : Why do you ask?

Because so often you say stupid shit like the ball gag thing and I just wonder about us.

ELI : Not that! We all know why you question our fabulous friendship. It takes a special breed of man to be my best friend, and you’ll always be it.

His saying that about me did something to me I couldn’t quite explain.

ELI : Why do you ask about what I find attrac tive in men?

It came up in a conversation between Eva and me—about us, not you. But then she said you owe her an answer because you bailed on her.

ELI : I DID NOT BAIL.

Don’t you all caps me, young man.

ELI : I have to make this up to her, don’t I?

Have to? No. Should you? Yes.

ELI : Fine. I’ll order her forty-some fucking bouquets of flowers.

ELI : Oh, wait… that’s your move. My bad.

Go get laid so you’re less grumpy.

I dropped the phone and stared at Eva, who waited expectantly for me to give her the update. I shrugged.

“Well, it’s not arm veins, but for him, it’s height and smile,” I told her.

“Who the hell is he finding that’s taller than him?” she demanded ludicrously, her eyes widening comically and making me laugh.

“That’s what I said!” I exclaimed. “It’s that he likes them to be on the taller side.”

“Well, lucky for you, you’re tall,” she said and immediately shut her mouth.

I understood the sentiment. Eva and I were in disagreement about my telling Elliot everything.

She’d respect my decision to wait, but she didn’t agree with it.

She felt it’d make things easier for me to just talk to him. She whispered, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” I replied. “I’ll tell him eventually. I just want a little more time to wrap my head around this before I have so many outside voices trying to help me.”

And Elliott would have a lot to say about the matter. That much I knew. He had a lot to say about everything. I wanted to be able to answer questions when he asked them, not be handed more questions.