Page 54 of Until Tomorrow (Love Doesn’t Cure All: The Ashwood Duet #1)

Logan

“I didn’t expect to hear from you,” I said as I answered my phone.

“ Well, my trip will take a little longer than expected, so I wanted to check in on you, ” Amelia replied. “ We were right in the middle of some very important things. ”

“We were,” I agreed. I shifted in my seat, trying to find a way to get comfortable in the front seat of my car.

Across the lot, I offered Loren a small wave and held up a finger, silently asking for a minute.

Date night certainly started differently when you fielded a call from your therapist. “But, please, don’t think you have to call.

I know how trying family situations can be. ”

I only saw my family once a year for my dad’s birthday, but I was privy to everything that happened in their lives. And I did mean everything. My mom had a thing for oversharing as if her life depended on it. I did not envy my brother, who lived one block over. He heard all of her drama.

“ Don’t worry, Logan. I wouldn’t have called if I didn’t have time for you, ” she told me with a slight laugh. “ I have a few minutes now if you do. ”

“I only have a few, but that would be nice.”

“ How are you? ” Amelia asked.

“I’m doing okay,” I told her. I paused, taking a momentary stock of everything. For the most part, I was okay. Conflicted but happier than I’d been in a long time. However, there was a major hole where Elliot’s presence was concerned.

“ You paused. Are you sure about that? ”

“Elliot found my dating profile.” I sighed and reclined the seat a little. I was going to be here a lot longer than just a minute.

“ And how did that go? ”

“First, he thought I was cheating on my wife. Then, he stormed my work screaming about it.” Just the thought of that made my heart kick up.

I tipped my head back against the seat and focused on my breathing.

So far, it seemed like no one in my office had a clue what had happened between Elliot and me.

I didn’t want the people at work to know about what I was doing—not yet.

Not until I was comfortable. Yes, I was oddly comfortable with small displays of affection with Loren, but it was conditional.

His end of town was nowhere near anyone I knew.

I fell into a false sense of security when I was around him.

“And then he didn’t realize my profile only showed up for him because I’m on it looking to date men. ”

“ That’s quite a big issue for you, ” Amelia said. “ How do you feel about him outing you at work? ”

“He didn’t. At least I don’t think he did. The yelling was behind a closed door, so I don’t think anyone heard. I have no idea how to tell if they did—”

“ Focus on the question, Logan, ” she interrupted. “ How do you feel about what happened around your coworkers? I know people finding out about your sexuality was a serious concern of yours. ”

“I’m… afraid of how it’ll affect my career,” I admitted. “But I don’t… I don’t care what they think of me. I don’t know how to describe that, but I care about my job. At least, right now I do. I need my job, and I don’t need it to be any more difficult than it already is, you know?”

“ I do. And how do you feel about Elliot knowing? ” Ah, yes. The real question I couldn’t figure out the answer to.

“I don’t know,” I said. “He’s not taking it well. I feel like I’m losing my best friend.”

“ Because you’re queer? ” Because I was queer. That sentence still resonated wildly in me. I was, wasn’t I?

“Because I didn’t tell him?” Why was I asking her?

“ Are you sure that’s the reason, or are you guessing ?”

“I don’t know.” I sighed. “I’m almost positive it’s because I didn’t tell him.”

“ You know, you’ve spoken extensively about Elliot’s importance and value in your life ,” Amelia reminded me.

“He’s always been important to me. ”

“ But if he’s as important as you’ve stated, why wouldn’t you tell him?

” she asked. “ Why wouldn’t you want his support?

Especially at a point like this in your life when that support is pivotal.

Going through what you’re going through is a big deal for anyone.

We’ve talked about the network you should have in place to process it, especially with your anxiety. ”

Anxiety that I’d also been keeping from Elliot. It felt embarrassing to admit that I had anxiety to a man who ran into burning buildings for a living. I dealt with contracts. There was no comparison.

“Because what if he left? All of this started because of that night. What if he blamed himself? What if he was mad at me—I don’t know why he’d be mad, but what if he was?

I don’t want to lose him. I don’t know who I am if I don’t have Elliot in my life,” I admitted.

“It’s always been me and Elliot, even before Eva.

Elliot’s… I just need Elliot. I don’t know how to do my life without him.

And I wanted… all the facts so that if I had to argue to keep him in my life… then I had the facts to help me.”

Even to myself, I sounded ridiculous. There was no good reason for Elliot to pull away, but my anxiety kept telling me differently. And my brain filled in the gaps, making it a smart decision to wait until I could present him with everything.

“ Logan, ” she began, and I already didn’t like where she was headed. I could hear it in her tone. “ Is it possible that you’re in love with Elliot? ”

“What?” I frowned. “No, I’m not… I mean, I love him, but I’m not… I’m not in love with him.”

“ Are you trying to convince me or yourself? ”

“I’m not in love with Elliot.”

“ There’s nothing wrong with it if you are, ” Amelia assured me.

There absolutely was. What better way to bomb a friendship?

And with my best friend? Who I’d known my whole life?

“ I think you should give yourself the space to think about that. I understand the feelings you have for him are complicated—anyone tied together as long as you two will have extensive feelings involved. ”

“But it’s Elliot,” I told her stupidly. Across the parking lot, Loren stepped off the curb.

“ You already care about him. Is it so hard to believe you could love him? ”

“Yes,” I said. “No. No. I’m not… I’ll think about it.” Only because I knew that anxiety wouldn’t let me think about anything else until I had it figured out. I couldn’t be in love with Elliot. I’d know that fact by now.

“ And how is dating going? ”

“I’ve stopped with the app for now,” I said. “I’m still on it, but I’ve been spending time with someone, and it’s what I need right now. Simple and uncomplicated.”

“ That’s good. I’m glad to hear that, ” she replied.

“Are you going to tell me what I am yet?”

“ No, but we can talk about it in a few weeks when I’m back, ” she promised.

“ I have to go, but take care of yourself, Logan. And let yourself face the uncomfortable things. They suck, I get that. But being uncomfortable is vital to growth. It changes us in ways we don’t realize we need to change. ”

Loren approached my car, and I rolled down the window. As I held up my hand to request one more minute, his fingers laced through mine.

“I will,” I told her. “Thank you for checking in on me. Good night.”

“ Good night. ” And with that, she hung up the phone. I sighed heavily, closing my eyes for just a minute. I couldn’t focus on any of her wrecking ball statements. Loren’s lips brushed over my knuckles.

“You’re looking a little stressed over there, baby,” Loren commented. “You good?”

“Note to the wise: don’t accept a call from your therapist before a date,” I muttered.

“Honestly, I probably could’ve told you that.” He chuckled. “You still want to go? If not, it’s okay.”

“God, yes.”

“I’ll double the cookie amount.”

“You know, at the rate you feed me cookies, I need to up my workout routine,” I said. I shut off the car. Instead of stepping back so I could get out, he leaned through the window and kissed me once. Short and sweet. Simple and uncomplicated like him.

“Date night calories don’t count,” Loren teased.

“When I’m eating my weight in cookies twice a week, they do,” I scoffed. As he let me out, I said, “Thank you for waiting. Sorry about that.”

“No sorries at all,” he assured me and took my hand. I let him lead the way across the parking lot and shoved aside every thought of Elliot that I had.

“ Okay… okay… hold… no… no… yes !” Loren exclaimed, raising the wooden block in victory.

“How?” I demanded. I sat back in disbelief. “How the hell is it still standing?”

There was no way.

“Come on.” He grinned wide. “We all know I can handle wood.”

“Jesus Christ,” I said with a laugh. We sat at one of the outside tables at our usual cookie spot, playing Jenga of all things.

The café had added board games and the like to its menu of random oddities.

At this point, I couldn’t remember how many games we’d played, but the man had an impossible ability to judge the weight and balance of wood blocks. “I swear it’s magic. You’re magic.”

“Nah,” he replied. “This shit is just right up my alley.”

“You’re cheating somehow,” I retorted. I carefully leaned on the table and began gingerly poking wood blocks to find a weak spot. “This is because you work in construction.”

“That’s not entirely unlikely.” Again with that smile.

It did things to me—things I didn’t need to deal with in a public place.

Loren was all too comfortable with taking things slow for my sake.

It worked. Most of the time. But there were moments like these when he looked at me like that, where taking it slow was the last thing I wanted.

My dick in particular was racing toward a finish line with him that I had no idea how to cross.

Google was helpful. Sort of. Rather, internet people were helpful—though some weren’t.

Some were just downright terrifying. And then I kept landing on some porn website that I didn’t want to be on because you could only look up so much about sex—gay or not—before the internet offered up porn as a solution.