Page 39

The blindfold is ripped off my eyes, and I whimper when Ryan grabs me by the hair and yanks my head up. Now I can see Oscar is the one holding my arms. “Color, Cassidy. If you can’t tell me, we are stopping.”

“No, please. I’m sorry,” I say tearfully. “Green. It’s green. I’m sorry.”

“You have to speak up when someone asks you. That is not up for negotiation. If you can’t speak up, everything stops. Set aside whatever shame you are putting on yourself right now and communicate. Okay? That is how this works. With us, with Oscar and the twins. Okay?”

“Yes, sir,” I say as I try to sniff back my tears. “I’m sorry.” I realize that Julian stopped a while ago. He kept his hands on me, but I wasn’t paying attention.

“You’re good, Juli,” Ryan says before leaning down to be eye-level with me.

I rest my head on my arm, and I am desperately trying not to cry.

Julian pushes his fingers back into me, and this time it’s different.

Panic doesn’t stab through me, and my body relaxes.

“Good girl, Cassidy. That’s really good. Relax for him.”

“I’m sorry. I…”

“Shhh. Listen,” Ryan says. “Your night terrors aren’t of Troy.

You spent most of the night begging your father to get off you, to stop touching you, and so many other things that will truly haunt me.

So much anger showed through in those nightmares, and we all started noticing that when you are triggered, you rage.

Even if it is for just a second and you snap at someone with a sarcastic comment, there is anger behind it that I don’t even think you see.

We all knew that Julian was a trigger for you, so we needed you to get to that anger and let some of it out.

The only way forward is over the obstacles.

Your anger and being triggered by a mere attraction to Julian was an obstacle, and we faced it head-on. And you know what, Cass?”

“What?” I sniff.

“You did so fucking amazing,” he says proudly. “I know you have so much more emotion to process, and this isn’t a cure-all, but I think you will find solace in submission. When forced to communicate what you wanted, it pulled you out of that state.”

“No, you smacking the fuck out of my ass, I think, is what did it,” I say.

“Maybe.” He smiles and leans down to kiss my forehead. “Now, we are going to do this impact scene, and then Julian is going to play with you. I have no idea what he has planned, though.”

“Yes, sir,” I say softly.

“You good, Oscar?” Ryan asks.

“Yeah. I’m good,” Oscar says. “It’s hard to see her panic like that and not rush to her, but I appreciate you letting me be close.”

“It’s not letting you, Oscar. You have every right to be here and make calls.

One may lead, but we all get an option over the girls and each other,” Ryan says.

“You both are nearly codependent and absolutely trauma bonded. There is nothing wrong with that, but you both need to understand that you can trust others with your wellbeing.”

“I thought this scene was for her,” Oscar grumbles.

“We all could stand to use some kink therapy every now and again, bud,” Ryan says.

“He’s totally going to butt-fuck you,” I say to Oscar.

“Are you going to come on yourself then, too?” Julian teases, curling his fingers inside of me.

“Maybe twice if he whimpers again,” I say. “That is so fucking hot that I don’t know what to do with myself.”

“I tease, but I have done it,” Julian says.

“Please, God, tell me you submit for them,” I groan. He laughs and pulls his fingers out of me.

“I do, but they submit for me too,” he says.

“You and Oscar are going to have to wrestle, and the loser gets fucked by the winner,” I say.

“Alright, dirty girl,” Ryan laughs. “Ready?”

“Yeah,” I say, but then correct myself. “Yes, sir!”

Everyone steps away from me, but Oscar keeps his hands on my wrists. “Alright, I’ll start with a few light ones before getting into it. I will go as far as you let me. When you get to yellow, tell me. No matter where that is, I need to know. Okay?”

“Yes, sir,” I say.

The first hit is more like a brush. I don’t react, but I can tell that it is a leather flogger.

He does three extremely light ones before hitting slightly harder.

I still offer no reaction. More than twenty hits later, and they are more than tolerable.

I wouldn’t say they hurt, but they offer a slight sting that is blissful.

A hand touches my back, and I gasp, not even realizing I just nearly fell asleep.

“I told you. Just skip to the harsher shit,” Eliza laughs.

“Cassidy,” Ryan asks.

“Yes, sir,” I mumble.

“Scale of one to ten, where was the last hit?” he asks, rubbing my back.

“Mmmm. A four, maybe,” I answer. He sighs and is quiet for a second. “Alright. One light strike, then one like Eliza gets at the peak of one of her scenes. Okay?”

“Yes sir,” I say.

“If you do well with that, we will go one at a time until I find a limit,” he explains.

I take a deep breath and slowly exhale. When the leather bites my skin across my mid-back, I groan as fire spreads across my skin.

The warmth is delightful, and it causes my body to curl almost. Someone repositions me back into place, and someone holds my thighs down to the table.

“Don’t let her move,” Ryan says.

“I won’t,” Gunner replies.

The next strike makes me gasp loudly, and my entire body tenses.

It feels like a crack of lightning flashed across my upper back, and although painful, it’s so goddamn peaceful.

Another hit and the same thing—I gasp, and my body tries to curl up, but they don’t let it happen.

With no pause or moment to breathe, the flogger bites again between the first two strikes.

Another flashes. And another. One more, and there it is.

The answer to why I’m not reacting to the pain.

Pleasure rolls through my body so fast and hard that it knocks the wind out of me.

Just as quickly as it hits me, it disappears, and the self-loathing slams down.

I abruptly scream something unintelligible and bang my head on the table.

I feel out of my fucking mind. It’s as though I just justified everything that bastard did to me, and it hurts.

It hurts to think the man who raised me influenced my sex life as a consenting adult.

It makes me hate myself, and I don’t know how to cope with that.

I am quickly yanked up from the table and arms wrap around me.

I know what a sub drop is, but this version is violent as I am shoved deep into my memories.

Flashes of him on top of me play on a loop.

I don’t know what I am screaming, but my body feels numb.

Someone is crying. Someone who isn’t me.

Voices are arguing until everything goes silent.

My body relaxes. I am missing gaps of time, but warmth starts to seep back into my brain.

I am straddling someone’s lap, but who? My belly aches, and I am stretched wide to accommodate the massive cock buried inside of me. I whimper and bury my face in someone’s neck when I am fully seated in their lap.

“There you are. Good girl, Cass,” Julian hums in my ear as he rubs my back. A blanket is laid over my back, and I melt into his chest.

“What the fuck happened?” Eliza asks. “I am so confused.”

“Cassidy has a lot of sexual trauma from her childhood,” I hear Jasper say.

Why the fuck is he here? “I’ve pulled the case files and reviewed them for the sake of Oscar’s criminal history, and…

She disclosed everything to the female detective who came to talk to her when Oscar was being arrested.

I watched the interview footage of it, and…

It’s horrific. That man did things to her that brought seasoned detectives to tears.

She was quite literally tortured for most of her life and was trained by him to hide it all away. ”

“There is a lot that I don’t even know,” Oscar says from close by. “The day I walked in and saw that… I had never seen someone look so broken until then.”

“I’m just confused how we went from impact play making her come to a full-fledged meltdown,” Eliza says.

“He taught me how to gain pleasure from pain,” I say quietly.

No one says anything and waits for me to sit up a bit.

I go to turn, but Julian doesn’t let me, so I can only see him and Oscar.

I can’t look at Oscar when I say this, so I tell Julian.

“He would hurt me while forcing me to have an orgasm, only to mock me when I did. He gloated that he was the only one that could get me off… But it was because of the pain that I did. Trey was so similar in that respect, and it only fueled his belief that I am a whore… I was taught from the beginning that you can’t have pleasure without pain.

Experiencing pain I can control… Is blissful.

It brings me a sense of clarity that I didn’t expect. ”

“Turn around here,” Jasper says.

“I’m…” I start to say.

“I know. That’s why you have the blanket.

Turn around,” he says again. I sigh heavily and get up.

When I go to get off the couch completely, Julian grabs my hips and shoves me back down on his cock; only now I am facing everyone.

I bite my bottom lip and groan as Julian fixes the blanket over us.

He moves my legs so that they drape over his and rests his hands on my inner thighs, inches from my pussy.

“Yep, this hits different,” I choke out, struggling to relax. I close my eyes and try to slow my breathing, but I can’t. His cock is pressed against my G-spot, and he is gently teasing my clit under the blanket. “Juli, you’re gonna have to stop.”

“I want to point out that in no way are you in pain right now,” Julian says, gently kissing my neck. He stops teasing my clit with gentle touches and shifts me so that I can relax a bit.

Jasper sits on the ottoman in front of me and I frown at him. “What?” he asks with a smirk.