Page 15 of Unmasking You (Hidden Hearts #1)

Chapter 14

Shane

Is this how I pay for my sins?

One minute he’s in my arms, and the next he’s gone, leaving me as alone as I always am.

The kiss we shared was like nothing I’d ever felt before. Having him in my arms was a gift I never thought I’d receive, no matter how many times I asked or how much I desired it. Just for it to disappear in the blink of an eye, transforming a peaceful cohabitation into a long, awkward moment of silence.

I’ve been here six weeks now, and things are worse than when I arrived. Maybe I should leave and go back to my place, leave Jamie alone and come to terms with the fact that nothing is ever going to change, no matter how much I want it to.

I spend my day on the sofa, pretending to watch TV, while I hope to get a glimpse of Jamie every time he comes out of his office, but that’s a rare occurrence and only seems to happen when it’s time to eat. He seems skinnier than before, and he has dark circles under his eyes. They’re not as bright as before, and his mouth is always in a flat line, which speaks volumes about the tension he’s holding in his body.

He stays as far away from me as he can, and the only words we exchange are the greetings in the morning or the thank you I say when he serves the meals. Other than that, there is only silence between us.

I hear him typing on his keyboard well into the night, and sometimes I wish I could say something to him, as I’m worried he’s not taking care of himself, but it’s like a comet passing through, too fast to stop.

Thinking about him working reminds me I need to go back to mine… and it reminds me I haven’t called my father yet. I sent a text to Karl to let him know that I’m forced in bed after saving Jamie’s dog. Another to my PA to ask her to cancel all my meetings as I was down with a bad flu, keeping me in bed. And I did the same with my mother. She replied, saying she was going to let my father know. After that, I booked a couple of weeks’ holiday… without discussing it with him.

I did it knowing I would pay for my rebellion. However, now it’s time to face the monster.

Maybe I shouldn’t wonder why Jamie avoids me at every turn and why he runs away every time we get close. Because I’m cut from the same cloth my father was, since he is a monster, and so am I.

What a fucking cheery thought. I did everything I could to be different from him, but I still wound up hurting the people I care about.

I pick up the phone and scroll until I find my father’s number. I press call, followed by the speaker button.

“Morning, sir. I just called to let you know I need to take a couple more weeks.” The gelid silence that follows my words pushes me to fill it. “I’m not well…”

My father’s voice breaks through my words and stops me from finishing my thought. “Nothing has ever stopped me from going to work. New generations don’t know what working hard means. They spend more time on their phones than doing actual work.”

He inflicts jab after jab, leaving me without a chance to say a word. I stop trying, hoping he’ll run out of steam soon. When he does, I jump in.

“I was in an accident. I broke my arm and leg. I’m not spending my time online.” I try to keep my mood in check before I lose my shit and shout my frustration. He’d make me regret it by taking away something I love or what makes me happy.

“Probably one of those dangerous sports you love so much. Or that damn bike.”

“No. It was a car, and I was saving a dog.”

“Risking your life for a dog,” he scoffs, unamused by my behaviour, and then inflicts another jab. “Are you stupid? I can’t believe you’re my son.”

He says the same thing every single time, so I should be used to it. But his comments cut me every fucking time. I spent my life trying to please him, but there was no pleasing him.

I want this conversation finished quickly. I don’t want Jamie to hear what he’s saying and think I’m like my father, because I’ve spent my life working hard to be different from him.

I want to ask Jamie if I’ve succeeded, even though his answer will be no . And while I believe he’s right, I couldn’t face it coming from him.

My father continues, but I’m no longer listening, as I know nothing good is coming out of his mouth.

“Anyway, make sure to be back in a couple of weeks. I hate when things don’t go as planned. Don’t make me pull the plug on that foundation of yours since it’s only wasting your time.”

The phone goes dead, and my rage sparks. Not even a fucking “ How are you ?“ I grip my phone so hard my fingers sting, but that’s the only thing stopping me from throwing it across the room until it smashes against the wall.

I raise my arm, ready to do just that, but a knock at the door has me stopping mid-air and turning towards it.

As soon as I spot Jamie, I know he heard the whole conversation, and he heard how useless I am, according to my father. I wait for him to speak, to say something nasty, to use this newly discovered weakness against me so I can finally atone for my sins.

Instead, he enters the room, and while pretending to tidy up, he gives me the time to calm down. I watch him move around the room, his body light on his feet. I watch his back and his body, with well-proportioned shoulders, a slim waist, and a pert backside that looks amazing in those black jeans he’s wearing.

Lost in the wonderful view he offers, it takes me a while to realise he’s not going to use whatever he heard against me. Another sign that he’s a better person than I am.

“It’s time for your medication.” His tone is abrupt, but it’s missing the usual punch that keeps me at arm’s length every single time.

If I had doubts before, I don’t anymore. Jamie heard the full conversation, every single beautiful word my father said to me.

Is he pitying me now?

He shouldn’t let the way my dad treats me influence the way he sees me. I was as bad as my father. I was a prick, and I made him suffer when I chose my friends and my dad over him. So everything coming my way, I deserve it.

“I’m sorry,” I say, because I can’t stop, and because maybe this time he won’t throw it back in my face. Even if he has every right to do so.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he says while handing me my pills. I touch his fingers when I take them, and for a second, every single memory of us touching fills my mind. I want to grab them and never let go.

When he moves away, it’s like I’m losing a limb. I have to let him go. I don’t have the right to want him close.

His hand, though, doesn’t pull away as fast as it usually does, and a glimmer of hope grows inside me. I savour the sensations and the emotions that this barely there touch brings. When it’s gone, I want to cry because I want more of it and because I’m sure I won’t have it again.

This call with my dad taught me yet another thing: if I want to be different from him, I can’t force Jamie to listen to me, and I can’t force him to accept my reasons. If my trying to explain is making him sad, upset, or hurting him, then I need to stop.

I need to respect his wishes, even if all I want is to give him everything I took away before. I’m ready to have my life turned upside down just to witness a real smile touch his lips, hoping one day he’ll allow me to kiss him and to worship his body in the way he deserves.

I let my hand fall on the sheet and watch him walk away, continuing to tidy the room. One thing I understand now is that Jamie doesn’t like messy , and he has a need to control everything that happens in his life. Since I moved in—and I wish it wasn’t the case—he’s been cleaning non-stop, maybe to keep the mess my presence brings at bay.

I’ve heard him at night when he can’t sleep. He walks or he types on his laptop, and the speed varies depending upon how nervous or frustrated he is.

It’s all my fault, I’m aware of that, and if I were a better person, I would have left him alone. But how can I? When he looks like he’s lost. When he looks like he needs me more than I need him.

“I’ll go make breakfast. Do you want to eat in the living room?” he says without looking at me, unconsciously caressing the fingers that had connected us for a few moments.

Maybe there is a hope I don’t deserve, but I’m a bastard, and I want him more than I ever wanted anything. I want to have another shot, and I want to try my damn best to make him happy. I would spend my life trying every single day to make Jamie Wilson the happiest he’s ever been.

“No, I’d prefer to stay here,” I say, because it seems that inside this smaller room we’re kind of connecting, and I’m sure that outside, the real world would crush what we have now. “Thank you,” I say before he leaves the room, and he pauses at the door. I hope he stays, I hope he talks to me, I hope he gives me the second chance I don’t deserve but want like water in the desert.

Instead, my hopes crash to the floor when he walks out without a word.

When Jamie comes back half an hour later, he places everything on my lap and moves away.

The smell of food fills my nostrils, and my stomach growls in appreciation. I glance at him, and I love the small smile curving his lips and the red spreading across his cheeks. I thank my stomach for giving him the best compliment we could.

I look away as soon as he glances at me and focus my attention on the food he so beautifully prepared for me. The eggs are so soft that they melt in my mouth, and the mushrooms are crispy and delicious. I put two bites into my mouth in quick succession. But what’s making my mouth water more is the bacon, crispy and golden against the white plate. I try very hard to cut a piece because I want to savour it, but it keeps running away from me. I can’t really stop it from taking a walk around the plate with one hand. I let out a sigh of frustration, and I take another mushroom, but the fork disappears from my hand, and I lean back, surprised by the move.

Jamie takes the knife in his other hand and cuts a piece of bacon, bringing the fork to my mouth. I hide my surprise, trying to calm the butterflies going crazy inside my stomach because I don’t want this moment to end. Instead, I open my mouth, and a moan escapes me at the heavenly flavour hitting my tastebuds. I can’t ignore that it tastes better because Jamie cooked for me, and even more so now because he’s feeding me.

I stop breathing when a giggle fills the room, and I force the tears suddenly filling my eyes to go back where they came from. I don’t want any of my nearly uncontrollable emotions to push him away. I don’t want to lose this moment.

So without looking at him, I chew the bacon and then open my mouth, silently asking for more. My heart nearly explodes with joy when Jamie brings the fork to my mouth again and feeds me another piece.

Neither of us says anything, and I eat in a companionable silence that I hope never ends. Unfortunately, even eating as slow as a snail slides, the time for Jamie to put the knife and fork down comes too soon. I wait for him to move away, but instead he stays where he is. I don’t look at him, because he’ll move away. I want Jamie close, even if it’s only for a few more moments.

I pick the fork up and slowly finish everything that’s left on my plate.

While I finish, Jamie goes back to tidying up, and I go back to following him with my eyes, trying to take my fill of him. That’s when I notice him glancing back at me when he thinks I’m not looking. His face tells me he’s trying to find the courage to tell me something.

I don’t want to push him because it could easily be something that’ll make me sad. I glance down at my plate and stab a mushroom, and that’s the moment Jamie decides to speak.

“Is your father always…” He pauses as if looking for the right words, and what he says next pulls a snort out of me. “That charming?”

“He can be very charming, but not with me.” Never with me. I failed before I was even born.

“How was it living with him?” Jamie asks, taking a seat on the bed next to my legs.

A nightmare, a struggle, something I wish I’d never experienced.

“Tough. He’s not an easy man.”

“I always had this idea that because you came from money, you had an easy life.”

I scoff at how far from reality his words are. “My life has never been mine. I always had to be perfect, never tarnish the family name, and always be better than everyone else around me.”

“You’re old enough to make your own life.”

“I am, and I always thought when I was young that one day I would fly free. So high and so far that I could never find my way back. But life never goes how we expect it. I did things I regret, so many, and I wish I could take them back. I hurt people I cared about.” I look at him, hoping he’ll understand. “And some of the things I did can never be taken back.”

“What’s keeping you there?”

“I have people depending on me.” Jamie’s face goes dark, and I take his hand in mine, inwardly cheering when he doesn’t pull away. “I’m not talking about a lover. But the people I’m talking about are important to me, and I want to do my best to give them a future. Even if, and this may sound dramatic, I live in a prison I can’t escape.”

“I know what living in a prison looks like. I’m living in it every day. A prison created by others, and I can’t even see the bars so I can bend them to get free.”

“I’m sorry.”

He goes to pull his hand away, but I stop him. I don’t want to lose this connection we have. It feels like the last chance I’m ever going to get. He doesn’t want my sorries, and I won’t give him any more.

“How was living with your parents?”

“I’m lucky. I had two loving parents who doted on me,” he says with a smile. I love it and want more of it. “We didn’t have much money, but I never felt like I was missing out on anything. Not until…” His voice trails off, and I’m aware of when he started to feel like he was less than others… When he joined my school.

“What about friends? Did you have any before us?”

“I’ve never been one to socialise. I’ve always preferred video games and coding. I met my best friends after I left your school.”

A heavy silence fills the room, and I regret the question, so to keep him here I ask more. We never talked about any of this. We were too young to care about what made us different from each other.

“Do you have any brothers or sisters?” I ask him, interested in knowing more, but also wanting to change the tough subject.

“No, I don’t. But I’ve always wanted a sibling.”

“Tell me more about when you were young.”

“My parents were older when I was born. I think they were in their forties, or close to it.” He giggles, and I bet it’s a joke they have between them. “They tried a lot to have kids and were overjoyed when I was born. You have to see the pictures I have of when I was a baby. Ridiculous.”

It’s my turn to laugh.

“I’d love to see them.” I bet he’d be so damn cute.

“Nope, and don’t ever ask my mum for them.” He glances at me with a dark face that makes me laugh. What has my heart soaring, though, is the fact that he’s hinting at the possibility of seeing each other after this is over.

“Did they allow you to have a dog even then?”

“I had pets but never a dog. I’m happy I found Queen; she’s the best.” And as if she was waiting for Jamie to mention her, she appears. Head held high, her tail swinging from one side to the other. We look at each other and smile at her antics.

“She’s great.”

“You say that only because she’s nice to you. She doesn’t even look at me since you saved her.”

“Queen loves you.” And as if on cue, she goes to Jamie and sits on his feet.

“Okay. Maybe she does.”

I look at him while he pets the dog, and at that moment it becomes clear how deep my feelings for him run.

“Isn’t she cute?” Jamie says, but I’m lost inside the soul-deep realisation I just had.

“What I did was unforgivable. There are no excuses.”

“I don’t want to have this spade always hanging on top of my head. I’m not ready to talk now, but one day I’ll come knocking, and I’ll want the truth.”

“I’ll never lie to you.”

He looks at me for a long time, and I don’t look away. “Okay, “ he says, standing up as if he found the answer he was looking for. “I’ll be in my office, “ he says before picking the plate and walking away.

I watch him leave, and it’s as if, in some way, we’ve turned a corner.

My heart is beating hard against my ribcage, and a flicker of hope is growing inside my chest. Maybe we have a way to go back to what we were before.

Friends.

Even if I wish for more, so much more.