Page 61 of Under the Mistletoe with You

‘Oh, I did.’It’s hard to just say it and explain what he means, and he knows he’s making it worse by going round the houses about it.

Beside him, Christopher frowns, clearly trying to work out if he’s missed something in Nash’s half-deliberate obtuseness.But credit to the guy, he doesn’t ask any more, waiting for Nash to fill in the silence rather than adding more questions into the mix.

Nash breathes out slowly, feels the tension loosen under his diaphragm.‘I’m...legally not allowed to drive, and before you get all excited, there’s no scandal or anything that resulted in me losing my licence.’

‘I wouldn’t even consider it.Not a single imagined road-rage incident or dramatically wrecked car from arguing with someone while they were driving.’

‘Yeah, yeah,’ he drawls, a little relieved Christopher is keeping this light.With his eyes set on the dark shadow of the peak ahead, he says, ‘I have seizures.I didn’t as a kid, that’s how I learned how to drive, but when I hit my twenties, I kept getting these weird moments pretty regularly.And I fall into this helpful little sweet spot where they don’t really know what’s going on or why, and none of the medication we’ve tried works, so I just ...have to manage them.Things like making sure I eat right and sleep enough and don’t get too stressed out.It doesn’t stop them from happening, but it stops me having so many.’

Nash braces himself for the usual barrage of questions, or slightly awkward statements.After all, most people’s major touchpoint for seizures is in medical dramas when someone’s going downhill fast.So few people seem to know anyone who just has seizures and lives with them.But, Christopher pauses.Takes a moment.Eventually, he says, ‘That must be tricky, to manage with work and life, especially if the seizures take a lot out of you.’

This wasn’t quite what he was expecting and, in fact, Nash is fairly sure no one has ever said this as the first response before.Usually, it’s an apology, as though it was their fault or a major disaster, rather than a fact of his life that he has to live with.Or platitudes, yes, he’s used to those.And therewas that one time, a freakout about whether it was contagious – he’s glad to not repeat that.

But this is ...different.

Christopher is different.

‘Why are you giving me that look?’

‘Keep your eyes on the road, Calloway.’

‘Then stop giving me weird looks!’

‘I’m just ...’Suspicious.Surprised.A little taken aback.Trying to work it all out.He doesn’t want to say all that out loud.‘That was a very considerate response,’ he says, finally.

It delights him a little to see Christopher huff.‘I’m very considerate.You shouldn’t be surprised by that.’He looks like a fluffed-up chicken.

‘Sure.’

‘Iam.’

‘I don’t think it counts if you insist on it.Plus, the brand of considerate you showed me the last thirty-six hours is more like ...deeply irritating.’

‘Excuse me?’Christopher says, but there’s a tiny laugh and a smile caught in there.

He’s relieved.These conversations usually go a different way.It’s so tricky to be vulnerable about this that he usually resorts to humour and then people get weird about it.At least Christopher seems willing to meet him there.‘You know what I mean.’

‘I do not.’

‘The way you just like, lurk around asking me if I need things.That whole flapping thing you do.’

‘I have just been trying to be hospitable in an unexpected situation!’Nash can still see the telltale sign of a grin in the corner of Christopher’s lips.‘If I’m soannoying, then stop saying yes to things.’

‘Why would I do that when you keep doing things for me?’

They both laugh, and when a quiet settles between them, it’s not sharp or brittle.It’s ...comfortable.

‘And you don’t have be suspicious about my reaction, by the way,’ says Christopher, using what Nash is starting to recognise as his serious voice.‘My sister is disabled, though she doesn’t have seizures.She has this thing called a connective tissue disorder—’

‘Oh, Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, right?’

Christopher’s eyebrows practically shoot up into his hairline.‘Yes.You’re the first person I’ve met who knows what that is.’

‘Eyes on the road please,’ Nash reminds him.‘Yeah, a lot of people with EDS have some flavour of seizures too.Clearly, the support groups are a wealth of surprisingly useful info for conversations in cars with near-strangers.’

The jokes are a comforting place to return to, a nonchalant head space where he can pretend it’s not a big deal.Being earnest is hard because it means being honest about his feelings and his life, and that’s not something that Nash particularly likes to do.But he’s taken the lid off now.

‘Would it be helpful to tell me about them?Like, in case you have one while you’re here, or feel unwell, and need some help?’Christopher asks.