Page 114 of Under the Mistletoe with You

‘Harsh.’

Nash furrows his brows, because he has looked up Christopher’s Instagram account, and scrolled quite far back, past the baking content of last year to a whole load of nothing beyond a few fake-coupley photos with Haf.‘Accurate?’

‘Yes.Fine.But you like acting, don’t you?’

Nash leans back and sighs.‘I do.I did.I do?It’s complicated.’

‘Well, you’ve done a million festive romcoms by now.I swear the only person who has you beat on sheer seasonal output is Lacey Chabert.’

‘She’s a powerhouse.And yeah, I love romcoms, genuinely.I think there’s so much power to them, a universality.That’s why people gravitate to them, over and over.Plus, I’ve had a pretty steady career being one of the hot guys they like to wheel out from the stable every year.’Christopher chuckles at this, so Nash adds, ‘Just to be unclear, there is unfortunately not a literal stable of hot guys.’

‘The greatest disappointment of my life.So ...it’s not your dream anymore, is that it?’

‘That’s what I’m trying to work out.The deal that’s on the table isn’t just for the next Christmas Vet ...I meanChristmas at the Clinicfilm.It’s more than that.They wantme, and if I don’t sign, there’re a lot of people’s jobs on the line.’

‘Like Barbie’s?’

He doesn’t answer, and Christopher takes a sharp breath in.It’s horrible to have to explain to him the way the industry rapidly dumps women once they’ve passed a particular age and area of stardom – those Instagram followers seem less and less relevant to the execs now that she’s over thirty, and that fucking sucks.

‘And you don’t want to sign this big deal?’Christopher continues.

‘I don’t know really.’

‘Right, but what is the thing youdowant to do, that you’re not saying?’

Urgh.Stupid smart tall man for spotting the gaps in what Nash is saying.‘It’s embarrassing.’

‘Tell me.’He says it so softly that Nash finds he does want to tell him.

‘I think ...I want to write?’

‘Why is that embarrassing?’

‘Being a writer is fundamentally embarrassing.All your feelings on the page thinly veiled for entertainment?’He fake-shivers.‘I think I’d like to direct, too, maybe?I got to help out a little on a few episodes ofParental Unitsbut I was still a bit too young and inexperienced for them to trust me with the reins on such a big show.The thing is, I’ve been on screen for nearly two decades and I just think I’ve had enough of being a public person.’

‘You’re hardly doing interviews every day.’

‘It’s not that so much ...like,yesI’ve slowed down on doing those but part of that is because people are significantly less interested in me than say the latest Marvel ingenue.It’s more thebeing perceivedpart.Like physically?I don’t think it’s all dysphoria, and I don’t think it’s none, either.The only time I wear a packer is when I’m filming.’He pauses to catch his breath, because this is spilling out faster than he expected.It’s weird; he’s held this all in for so long.‘I think the general having to worry about my appearance so much when it’s filming season is the problem.Too much policing what I’m doing with or to my body.I don’t think it’s very good for me overall.The exercise keeps my brain from boiling over, but is it only doing that because I’m constantly having to think about being on?Would I be constructing home gyms in your bakery if I wasn’t thinking about acting?It’s an ouroboros.’

‘A what?’

‘That snake thing that eats its own tail and goes in circles.You’re posh, aren’t you?I’d have thought you’d know what that is.’Christopher makes an indignant noise but doesn’tmove away.In fact, his hand is still placed on Nash’s arm, a quiet reassurance.

‘Have you started writing?’Christopher asks, doing that goddamn earnest face again that makes Nash want to tell him things.

‘Yes,’ he quietly admits for the first time.‘I’ve got a couple of script treatments.Like a proposal or synopsis of a few films or shows I’d like to work on.It’s all pretty amateur stuff, but I think they’re good ideas.I still want to work on romcoms, but not as the leading man.I want someone else to act out the stories I tell, and I want to make space for other actors coming up the ranks.’

His mouth feels dry.Talking about his writing makes him realise how different it is from acting.When he acts, it’s all about embodying someone else.He’s not really Nash when he acts; the disappearing is the point of it.But when he writes, it’sallhim.Hehasto be himself, and that is both thrilling and terrifying in equal measures.

‘Basically, I want to try something new, and I worry that if I sign that deal, I’m locked into this life that doesn’t fit for so much longer.’

‘What does your agent say?’

He shuffles.‘I haven’t spoken to Kurt about it.The execs pushed the deadline until after Christmas, which saved me from having a conversation about it.’

‘Wait a moment, is that why you’re here?To avoid all this?’

Nash can feel his cheeks redden, and he’s grateful that the lights are off.